Ericka's POV September 27th
I can't tell if I was right to put Jordan down in the way I did last night. To be honest, the kiss was nice, okay? I admit that. It was perfect, and then my mind started racing. It wouldn't stop. I felt like he was going to hurt me. I know he wouldn't, but my mind is telling me he will. The war between my heart and mind is slowly killing me, I can't keep going on acting like everyone is going to pretend to love me and then stab me in the back when I turn around. That exact scenario was what I was raised with. It's also why I have no family. I fucking hate my Uncle for it, but I can't help but feel it was my fault.
"Ericka, are you alright?" my lab partner, Sean asked me. I've been quiet this entire period. It would have been normal, but now we were a month into school and Sean and I have become friends. He knows I'm shy, but when I'm quiet, somethings up.
"Yeah, I was just thinking." I replied, giving him the fakest grin I've done in a long time. Somehow, he bought the excuses and fake grins and went back to his work. Fifteen minutes later, and the bell set me free from biology. Only three more classes to go until I can go home and cry about all the stress I've given myself. Perfect.
I sulked throughout the halls, occasionally forcing myself to say hello to a few good friends. I felt like I didn't have to the right to be so upset over my own actions. Of course, it's just my fucked up mind doing this to me. Making me feel at fault for saying or doing something. Yep, that's me. I don't even know if I'll be able to face Jordan in the next few minutes without getting overwhelmed by the guilt of shutting him down last night.
Taking a deep breath, I reluctantly entered the guitar room. I rushed to grab my guitar and sat down in my usual seat next to Jordan. I can't even look at him, but I feel his eyes burning at the back of my head. Then he spoke. A lump in my throat rose.
"Ericka, if you don't like me that way, its fine." he spoke softly. I don't want to listen, the walls are caving in on me.
"I just need to know if you're okay." he said. "You're shaking harder than you usually do when you get nervous." fuck, how observant was this kid? I stayed quiet, but I placed my guitar to the side and rested my head in my hands.
"Ericka, are you okay." he spoke in a bit of a harsher tone now. I'm familiar with this, he's getting tired of my silence. He's getting frustrated. The same thing happened with Jam and any other guy that tried to talk to me.
"God, Ericka. I can't help you if you won't speak." he muttered. I could hear him turning the other way and continuing to play an unfamiliar piece. After keeping my head down, I finally got around to picking my guitar up and playing a song I wrote. The lyrics ran through my head and I strummed the chords.
"What I am is a shattered mirror.
Broken and neglected, rejected and alone.
I hurt myself trying to pick up the pieces.
Maybe everyone would be better off, if I was dead and gone."
I stopped myself before I could suffer a breakdown. Mr. Chambers was beginning to speak, anyways.
"Alright, let's get the performances over with. I've decided that we'd have our best players go last. So we'll have a real treat." he winked over at Jordan and I. Oh, he'd have a real treat alright. I bit my lip as Mike and Bryan went up first. They were given the song Slide by The Goo Goo Dolls. They barely made it through the piece, and Mr. Chambers was obviously unimpressed by their effort in the song.
About eight other groups went before Jordan and I. They were either good or bad, there was no in between. Jordan and I were called up to the front of the class. I managed to stop shaking, I gave no idea how it happened. But Jordan was still angry with me, I could easily sense it. We didn't even look at each other before playing, we just waited for Mr. Chambers signal, and we began playing. The lyrics ran through my head, along with memories of Jordan and I 's short lived friendship. Playing tennis, the guitar. The trip to Smoothie King and the hill. And more specifically, the kiss.
