Delirious

The Eight Lies

"I know you're lying,"

Her voice filling the air between us, making me stare down at my hands. I scratch my wrists nervously, not even realizing I'm doing so, just because I'm nervous, because I'm scared.

"About what?" I respond, my breath coming out in a faint cloud. The brisk air stings my lungs as I inhale, feeling as if I'm breathing through a tube.

"That you don't need help." She responds, sitting on the cold metal bench besides me.

"I've lied a lot to you lately you know. But the thing is, I can remember every single lie." I said, my nails digging a little more harshly into my skin as my emotions start to get the better of me again.

"Tell them to me."

"The first lie, when I told you I was fine. Every single time I've said it, I was actually crying. Sometimes physically, others mentally. Either way, I wasn't fine. But I told you I was and you believed it." I breathed, narrowing my eyes at the ground.

"Why?"

"I didn't want to worry you," I said, voice cracking as tears started to form in my eyes.

"But that's not all the lies. " She responded, raising an eyebrow at me.

"No. No it's not. Second lie, when I told you I had eaten. Honestly, I didn't eat at all that day." I said, squinting my eyes tight as the tears started to fall. I felt her tense up next to me, but I still kept going, "Third lie, when I said the cat did it."

"You mean you cut yourself?" Her voice started to betray her emotions, the words laced with concern.

"Yeah. I did." I said, breathing in deeply as it became harder and harder to take air in, "Fourth lie, when I said I was getting better. In reality, the only thing I was getting better at was acting."

"Cynthia-"

"But that's not all, let me continue." I said, once I started with one, it became an obligation to say them all, "Fifth lie, when I said I was okay. I haven't been 'okay' in months."

"You should of told me." She said, her hazel eyes wide with worry.

"But I didn't." I said, "It's too late now. Sixth lie, now this one isn't verbal. Sometimes when I smiled, it wasn't genuine. Because yes I was smiling, but on the inside I was dying."

I looked over at her, and was shocked to see tears forming in her eyes. Why was she upset? It was just me, worthless, pathetic, annoying me.

"Seventh lie, when I said I didn't want to die. Now I'm not suicidal, but I feel if someone were to put a gun to my head.." I trailed off, the scenario playing in my mind, "I would look them in the eye and say 'do it'."

"You would?" Now it was her turn for her voice to crack, and it was now hard to look at her through my tears. "Why?"

"I don't feel that I'm worth anything, that everyone would be better off without me. It's not like I help anything in this world, all I do is screw things up." I said, watching as she opened her mouth to speak, before stopping her, "Eight lie, when I said I didn't need help."

"Why don't you get it?...Please." She begged, the first tear rolling down her face.

"Help doesn't always mean a therapist, doesn't always mean pouring your heart out to a shrink. No, it means reaching out to someone so they can help you. They don't have to be certified, they just have to be there for you. And that's what I'm doing, " I said, unable to stop the flood of tears coming out of my eyes, "I'm turning to you for help."

She breathed in raggedly before wrapping her arms around me tightly, crying along with me. I buried my head in her shoulder, sobs racking my whole body. 

"Please help me."