Delirious

Frozen

"Frozen." I say my breath billowing out in a cloud. The cold air burns my lungs, and I welcome the feeling. Cherish it almost.

"It's cold, ain't it?" They chuckle, smiling as snow falls onto the ground.

"Yeah." I said in a monotone voice. I wasn't talking about the weather.

"Something wrong?" They question, tilting their head slightly.

"Yes." I whisper, the snow falling steadily. Even with tears about to fall down my face, I appreciate the beauty. I see the beauty in everything.

But me.

"Are you okay?" They ask, furrowing their eyebrows, their undivided attention on me now.

"Yeah." I respond, watching my breath disappear into the atmosphere.

"Are you lying?"

"Yeah."

That changes the atmosphere. A tension builds up. It feels like it's building in my lungs, preventing words from escaping.

They look at me, speechless, and I turn my head to face them. I raise an eyebrow, daring them to say something about it.

You're supposed to be happy.

You're the happiest person I know.

You're too happy.

All things that have been said about me, all things society expects me to be. Naturally it would come as a shock to see the 'happy girl' upset. Little did they know, I wasn't close to happy. I was cracked. I was broken. I was shattered.

I was nothing anymore.

"What's wrong?"

"That's not the question to ask." I quickly retort, brushing the hair out of my face.

"Then what is?"

"Ask me what's right."

"Fine. What's right?"

"Nothing." I said, stuffing my hands in my pocket and beginning to walk away, "Nothing is right and everything is wrong."

"You can't just say something like that then walk away CJ!" They say, and I hear their footsteps following me rapidly, trying to keep up with my long stride.

Just breathe. I tell myself, the familiar feeling of suffocating from my thoughts coming in, keep breathing.

I stop suddenly in my tracks, my breath yet again wafting up in the air before dissipating into nothing. I'm frozen, paralyzed. Living the same nightmare day after day. It's all on loop. It's not changing.

"I've been depressed for years." I say, back facing them, "And no one has noticed. No one. I've told several, and they didn't care. They didn't fucking care at all. Because it doesn't matter. I still smile don't I? I still laugh? That's their conclusion. I can't really be depressed. So don't act like you care. I know you don't. A true friend would of noticed my cries for help."

With that, I continued to walk away.

And I didn't hear them follow.