Delirious

Suffocating

"Sometimes it's hard to breathe." I say, shifting uncomfortably on the scorching hot sand. The waves fall down harshly against the beach, the noise constantly there. By the time the water recedes, another wave takes its place.

"I'd like to think I know what you mean, " She said, her golden brown eyes not shifting from the waves. She was entrapped in the calming, comforting trance they put people in. But me, my mind was in such a state of chaos it jailed me away from the feeling of peace I wanted to seek and achieve so desperately. She bit her lip slightly, shoulders sagging, "But I know you're not talking about just running out of breath."

"Nah. It's just...sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating." I say, a seagull squawking somewhere in the distance. "But, there isn't anything visible choking me. You can't see what's cutting off my flow of oxygen."

"Sadly," She starts, taking a moment to watch yet another wave crash down. "I don't understand what you mean."

"I'm suffocating." I say, "I'm breathing through a tube. At least, that's what it feels like. Want to know what's suffocating me? My thoughts. I'm drowning in my thoughts. My mental state is hurting me on a physical level."

She's quiet, obviously disturbed by my words. I tear my eyes from her, not bearing to watch as the inevitable look of disappointment crosses her face. I can't handle watching people be disappointed in me, not anymore. I look back at the ocean, yet again struggling to breathe in the salty air. The sand is burning into my skin , and as I try to move, the rough grains rub against my already scorched skin, making me grimace. The sun is beaming down on us, causing sweat to bead on our foreheads. Somewhere down the shoreline, a family plays in the water. And distantly, a surfer rides the waves. But, in this moment, it's like none of that exists. Like I don't exist.

My mind prevents me from being in reality, caught in my own prison. I'm the prisoner, yet I'm also the jailer. And I don't understand it at all. And just thinking, it makes it all worse.

"Just breathe." She finally says, surprising me by her sudden words, "Breathe in. Breathe out. It's all we can do."

"I'm trying." I say, voice cracking.

"Try harder. Anything can be beat, you just need to try harder. Because either you keep fighting and win, or you lose and die of suffocation. It's your choice."