warm | poetry

15 // without losing a piece of me, how do i get to heaven?

"This voice inside has been eating at me..
Trying to replace the love that I fake with what we both need.."

It would be a lie if I said I loved him.

I didn't.

As much as I do wish it were true, it isn't.

I loved someone else.

No,

it's not a he.

It's a she.

I loved a girl.

Unfortunately for me,

she didn't swing both ways like I did.

Strangely enough,

a brief sense of relief washed over me.

Yes, she rejected me,

but she's stil my best friend.

You saw me as a monster, an experiment in a lab gone wrong.

"Where did we go wrong?"

You had tears running down your cheeks as you yelled at me, my body shrinking into the couch.

"Was it your school?"

Your gaze burned holes through my chest as I sat there,

the both of you scrutinizing me for loving a girl.

You blamed my best friend for something she had nothing to do with.

You blamed the so-called influence my friends had on me.

I wanted to remain in the closet for the rest of my life, only opening up to those with open hearts and minds.

I told her I loved her.

She was fine with it.

You weren't.

"They want what's best for you, they're your parents."

I'm surprised you didn't disown me for something I have no control over.

The story of Prophet Lut's people still scares me shitless.

'The Upsidedown People' they were called.

I don't want to delve in too much on it,

but you forced me to listen to a 45 minute talk on his people,

what punishment they received for being gay.

"You'll burn in hell, dragging us along with you,"

you both hissed at me,

the venom in your tone dripping to the floor.

I cried,

cried,

cried,

and cried.

I wish there was something more that I could've been telling you,

but it was all said.

"I won't do anything," I whispered, tears still falling as I curled myself up in a ball on the couch.

"You better not."

After pushing yourself off the couch, you stormed off, leaving me there.

Later, I told my little brother.

He seemed relatively chill about it,

but weeks later,

he became your ambassador.

"Even if you aren't straight, they want you to at least act like it."

Was I some sort of puppet to you?

Mom  and Dad, I love you both,

but I must ask:

What were you going to gain from this?

I won't do anything stupid, I promise.

I just want you to know this:

I'm proud of who I am as a person, but for your sakes, I won't do anything stupid.

I love you.