warm | poetry

17 // you don't care, you never did.. you don't give a damn about me

(i'm warning you now, this chapter is months old and i wanted to lash out, but i didn't, so this has been in my drafts the whole time.)

"All alone I watch you watch her, like she's the only girl you've ever seen..
You don't care, you never did..
You don't give a damn about me..
Yeah, all alone I watch you watch her, she is the only thing you ever see..
How is it you never notice that you are slowly killing me?"

Whatever the fuck this is, I'd like to give a big old

fuck you

for not responding.

And yet, I can't.

I don't give a shit about what you think. I am not clingy, I am not needy.

I don't text everyday, I don't expect you to talk to me 24/7.

I get it, I'm not your best friend anymore, but hey, be glad.

I was in love with the idea of someone like you.

You're a fucking machine now, you're dead to me.

Where the fuck did I go wrong?

Why did you promise we'd stay close even after we graduate?

I look fucking pathetic now because of you.

He still teases me and acts fucking childish about it.

I've had enough.

I've had enough of you, of him, of everyone looking at me like I'm a pitiful little dog.

I am not cloying, I'm not needy.

I grew attached to you because I was so scared of you letting go, of you disappearing.

This whole thing has fucked me over too many times to count.

Now that you really have disappeared, I wanna say goodbye.

Goodbye to you, to him, to everyone.

I'm sick of this shit,

I'm so close to falling apart,

to collapsing when I see what you've become.

It makes my chest, my heart, my head, my mind, my lungs ache thinking about the power you have over me.

"I hate her so much," a wallaby told me.

I asked her why, begging her not to hate you for how much you hurt me.

"You love her so much, as much as I love Q," she told me.

"Just like you hate him, I hate her for doing this to you. She's not trying to fix a damn thing, she's living her damn life and leaving you behind, running off and having fun and preparing for her future."

There were tears pouring out of my eyes at that point, my chest too constricted for me to breathe.

I was drowning on my own, you swimming to shore without me, leaving me in the dust as you ran towards your endless possibilities.

I was becoming swallowed whole all over again and I didn't know what to do with myself.

"She's ruined you, hurt you so fucking much and so I hate her with a burning passion."

I couldn't breathe.

"Ma, please don't cry.. It's okay."

I broke down, sobbing by that point.

"I think it's time for you to let her go, Ma.."

I'm trying, I really am.

I showed a kitten the texts between us.

"I have very mixed emotions about this. That's probably the saddest thing I've ever seen."

This kitten had gone through hell and back, so hearing her say that was enough of a fucking siren blaring in my ears.

"If this is taking too much of a toll on your mental health,

D O N ' T ."

I'm fucking exhausted.

I'm on the cusp of

wanting to shake your shoulders like an earthquake, leaving destruction in my wake in an attempt to get you to turn around and face me

or

wailing for the next century and a half, a cry even the deaf could hear echoing across the earth.

Do you see what you've done to me now?

How is it possible that what we had before could turn into this?

I feel..

hollow.

I don't expect anything from you.

I just want closure.

I don't want to be left hanging,

like a cliffhanger on a book that's never going to end.

I want some sort of finale,

whether it be a bang or a fizzled out candle.

I just want an

END.

FIN.

FINITO.

FINISHED.

THE END.

That's all I'm asking for.