I'm saying "I do"....but not for Love

Chapter 28

Katy's POV

As the clock struck ten, I knew I needed to get on the ball. First things first...Mom.

Carter returned to his wii game with Jamie. I stayed in the kitchen, working up the courage to confront my mother. Though my mom hadn't been very much of an actual mother, I loved her. The little girl within me still yearned for her to approve of me and reciprocate the love.

But that didn't mean I would put myself in a position to get hurt perpetually. I needed to tell my mom how things needed--and were going--to be. With that in mind, I had a brief spurt of bravery. I walked to her room, purpose in my steps. 

"Mom," I called, knocking on her closed door.

"What?" she said. Her voice was annoyed.

I crushed down the feelings of belligerance that were rising inside of me. "Let's talk."

She swung open the door. "What?"

"Look, Mom," I said, "could I talk for a secong without interruption please? I have something that I really need to say."

She rolled her eyes, obviously unhappy about having to listen to me. "Fine," she said, folding her arms.

"Mom, I want you to know that no matter what, I do love you. Even if you aren't..." I trailed off, unsure about how to express my feelings correctly.

"I'm not what? Good enough for you and your fancy pants little man?" Mom demanded.

I took a deep breath to control the anger that sparked within me. "No that's not what I'm saying. Ugh! Look, I've tried my whole life to make you love me, but I've learned that you can't force somebody to love you. And I do love you, even though it's not...reciprocated. But it's not fair for me to let you use me and Jordan. So I'm going to ask, um, uh, for you to leave. Just know that whenever you're ready to actually get help, I'll be right here." 

A tear found a trail down my cheek as I spoke again. "I'm sorry," I whispered. I turned and left the room.

I was standing in the hallway when I felt a pair of arms wrap around me from behing. I leaned back against Jordan's chest. I tried to squash the feelings I had for him, telling mysefl he was only being a good friend to me. Nothing more.

"How'd it go?" he said.

I could feel the rumble of his voice from where we were touching. I closed my eyes, trying not to relish the feeling of his embrace. I sighed.

"Well?" he persisted. "Katy?"

What's wrong with me? An hour ago, I would have said I could never have any sort of feelings for Jordan. But now he seems to surround me. Who am I kidding, though? Maybe I've had these feelings for awhile and have been ignoring them all along. I don't know, I thought.