delivered

32

"fuck," it's the seventh time dan has cursed out loud, lowering the flames and stirring the sauce, sucking on his finger that accidentally touched the hot pan. chicken pasta doesn't really scream apologies, but that was the only dish that came to dan's mind that was full of chaos and arguments.

he hated fighting with phil, and hated it more when it was irrelevant and stupid and all the blame was his to hold. he hated seeing phil mad, the ignorant and disinterested and sickeningly calm phil was his least favourite.

he sighed, folding the pasta into the sauce and letting it sit for a few minutes, leaning against the counter helplessly.

it was rare for them to fight.

of course they had arguments and short spurts of angry words here and there, they even ignored each other on some unfortunate days, but this was different. at least for dan.

mostly it was dan who was mad at petty reasons, and it was phil who would come after him and calm him down and they would talk about the things that were stressing the younger boy.

this time it was phil, phil who never really got mad, and even if he did, he would forget about it as soon as the morning starts and he has to go for work. dan never had to really apologise to phil, but then again this time was different because phil had an actual legitimate reason that was bothering him and dan had no idea how to kill the doubt in phil's mind.

he couldn't just stop talking the chris, he was one of the only reasons dan liked getting out of the house. chris had been there for him at the worsts of times, whenever dan was mad or angry or sad or bothered. chris never failed to make dan feel as if everything is under control, as if dan was okay.

dan let out another loud breath, eyes climbing up the wall to the clock, which showed seven thirty, meaning phil could be here any minute. he turned off the flames, and grabbed the wine bottle he bought on the way home, placing it next to one of the glasses that he kept while setting the table.

he sat at one of the chairs, running his fingers through his hair in boredom as he waited for phil.

it was ten minutes later when he heard the shuffling of the door knob, and he sat up straighter in his chair in anxiousness, biting his lip as he watched phil push open the door and walk inside.

phil's hair was pushed back, and he was humming softly as he took off his shoes but it wasn't late when phil noticed the smell of lavender lurking in the house from a scented candle, and his expression faded into a more confused one.

dan knew phil was mad still, as he placed his bag on one of the dining chairs without as much as a look towards dan, pulling at his tie to loosen it and making his way into the bed room.

"i made dinner," dan blurted, before phil could go very far, and he heard phil sigh out loud before continuing to walk again.

"i ate outside," his voice was still hostile, and soon dan heard the door of their bedroom click shut.

dan groaned in frustration, grabbing fistfuls of his hair and burying his face in his arms. how the hell was he supposed to apologise to phil? and for what? for going to work with chris?

he waited for a few minutes before getting off the chair, making his way to the bedroom and pushing the door open to find phil in the middle of pulling on a t-shirt. phil turned slightly at the sound, looking away as soon as their eyes met, and continued the task, pulling the t-shirt down his torso and immediately getting into bed, his phone in hand.

"how was your day?" dan mumbled, walking over to sit on the edge of the bed, and phil just glanced at him before sighing.

"fine," was his only response and dan bit his tongue from saying anything else. he had no idea how to begin apologising, or even if he was supposed to apologise. it was all so awkward, so full of tension and the continuous silence stretching between them made dan want to scream out loud.

"i know you're mad at me," dan started slowly, voice cautious and slow as he watched for phil's reaction. "and i'm really sorry if i hurt you," he added, and nothing but a loud breath escaped phil's lips.

"i-i had no idea that chris was coming or i wouldn't have asked you to drive me, i swear," he explained and when phil just looked at him questionably, dan laid his palms flat against his thighs, gaze drifting away from phil.

"you know i wouldn't do that to you, especially after you said-you said that you're not comfortable with chris and i spending that much time together," he chose his words carefully, not wanting in any way to offend or hurt phil, or spark anything that may set him off.

"i am also sorry for coming home late every night, we've talked about this before but i can't do anything about it, it's my job and you know how much i like it," dan sighed, fingers picking anxiously at the frays in his jeans as phil lay silent on his side of the bed, the grip on his phone loosening each time a syllable escaped from dan's lips. "but it's not more important than you," dan closed his eyes, volume dropping with every word.

"i can't just stop talking to chris, and i'm sorry about that, but he is currently the only friend i can trust and i really like him as a person," he spoke, too afraid to look up and watch phil's expression. "but i like you more, as a person and as everything, and you are much more important to me than anything and anyone will ever be,"

"if you want i can talk to my boss and get my timings shifted from eight thirty in the morning to like five or something, that way i can come back home at the same time as you, and if you really despise my job, i can start looking for another ones in the meanwhile," dan offered, not sure how happy he was with the decision, but he was tired of the boundless gap between him and phil. he just wanted their relationship back to pancakes for dinner and unplanned movie dates.

"i just, i hate whatever this middle-ground bullshit is going on between us, and if me adjusting into another work place might help then so be it, i don't care," his words were a half lie, but he was ready to compromise as long as phil was happy. he had no idea for how long phil has been paranoid, because the problems between them just seemed to stretch and stretch and he had no idea what the root was.

"dan," phil had spoken for the first time in forty eight hours, without a guarded look in his eyes or hostility in his tone. the sound made dan raise his head up to look at phil, and he sighed out of relief when phil did not look the least bit angry, although his expression was mildly confusing, it did not give off any bad signs.

"hm?" dan hummed and phil just gave him soft smile, pushing the covers off his body and lunging forward to wrap dan into a warm hug, dan's whole body practically melting into the touch.

"i love you," phil breathed, and everything was suddenly a whole lot better.

--
might be my last update for the week bc i'm going on vacation !! ah i desperately needed to get out of delhi

depressing rant ahead !!!

anyways i've been really insecure abt my writing bc my updates are comparatively slower and i've lost like so many readers im not even kidding and it just makes me sad when i compare the reads on one chapter and then my recent ones

it just makes me feel like my writing is not good enough & although some people have told me that i'm improving i just feel like i'm not bc???? idk

i don't think i'll continue writing anymore after i finish my recent books which will take less than two months honestly

anyway

sorry for bothering you with this depressing rant oh god

thanks for reading if you did