delivered

106

(kREET ITS UNEDITED AS HELL)

cold fingertips glide over the bridge of phil's nose as he attempts to push his glasses further up, his eyes absentmindedly watching the man responsible for his constantly aching chest and his constantly choking throat and his constantly breaking heart.

dan sits motionlessly across from him, his half open eyes trained on his fiddling fingers like they have been since morning, his tangled hair plastered to his forehead and his cheeks blotchy with several shades of pink that fade into purple bags under his heavy eyelids. a grey jumper hangs loosely from his shoulders, cloaking his frame completely along with a black scarf that wraps around his neck-phil assumes it's because he wants to hide the mistakes of the previous night. he hasn't looked at phil since yesterday, when phil was sobbing pathetically and lying to himself as he said he wanted a break.

he didn't want a break, what he needed was for the war between righteousness and irrationality to stop so he could finally give into his toxic relationship and torture his weak heart again. he wanted all this pain, all this hurt, all these mistakes to stop hovering his brain, to stop altering his feelings, to stop making him feel as if he could live without dan. the idea of being without dan is revolting, he hasn't imagined life, he hasn't imagined laughing or crying or feeling or breathing without dan by his side and he likes the familiarity too much to even give it a thought.

phil doesn't know why the storm of emotions hasn't died down yet, being away from dan, being away from the constant reminder of his betrayal should have weaved a certain comfort through his breathing, should have collected his scattered thoughts, should have cured his ailing heart by at least an inch but it was only breaking apart further, only making the ache in his chest more prominent, only torturing him all over again.

it's unhealthy, it's wrong, it's completely and utterly ridiculous-but phil can't accept the fact that dan has finally listened to him and stopped trying. he can't bear the fact that dan might actually consider giving him space rather than trying to make phil forgive him, that he might actually leave if phil asks him to. it's not even been a week and he is so tired, so tired of fighting his feelings, so tired of telling himself that he doesn't love dan, so tired of pretending to be someone who can choose between right and wrong and mind and heart and body and soul.

he can't, he knows he can't because every part of him, every fibre of his being and all his thoughts and love and heart and body-it all belongs to dan. he belongs to dan.

he knows he will forgive dan, after a day or two or four-he will forgive dan for all the heartbreak, for all the tears and arguments and the emotional and mental breakdown. he will forgive him for breaking his trust and his sanity and build them up again from scratch because he is so hopelessly in love with him that all this betrayal hurts less than letting him go, hurts less than the thought of not being with him.

he knows they will not be the same-tongues will be too bitter, eyes too guarded, minds too distracted, lungs too damaged and hearts too caged to love again because neither of them would be healed enough to escape the agony that comes along with heartbreaks. and yet phil will have it all over again, he will let himself be completely ruined by the man sitting across from him if that's what takes to be loved by him.

every day, every minute, every torturously slow second he is reminded of just how dysfunctional they are, how neither of them can be good for each other. of course they love each other, there is an unmistakable similarity of thought and an unmistakable difference in personality, there are so many things they have discovered about each other and so many more left, there are so many things they have done together and there are so many yet to do, there is so much love between them but so much more toxicity, so many arguments and tears and mistakes and fights and broken hearts and collapsing minds and failing relationships and distrust and distance.