delivered

98

it's confusion and chaos on a whole different level as phil shifts further onto the bed and lets the mattress dip under his weight. his entire body is ignited with the gruesome battle between his heart and brain, between mind and soul, between what's rational and what he actually wants. he is sad and anxious and afraid and confused and there is a supernova of emotions flooding through him, his eyes dripping off stars that drench his flushed cheeks, his entire being waiting to explode into nothingness.

he hates himself.

he doesn't know who to blame anymore, even if there is someone to blame. he is selfish and problematic and he can't handle things properly and he is the worst person at relationships. even after years of their relationship, he fails to know dan, to give him what he wants, he was the one who coaxed him into cheating.

he probably wasn't enough.

it has been merely ten minutes since dan left their bedroom, and although phil doesn't want to face him, doesn't want too see him, doesn't want to be in his presence, he is still worried about him. he wipes his cheeks and sniffles noisily, pushing his hair back off his forehead and walking into the bathroom to take out his contacts.

five minutes later he walks out into the living room, only to find his mother asleep on the couch and adrian curled up on the recliner, his eyes trained on the bright telivision screen. phil smiles at the scene slightly before walking inside, ruffling adrian's hair and pressing a kiss to his forehead, the younger boy only looking up at him with a worried expression.

"are you okay?" adrian asks softly and phil just nods, giving him a half hearted smile and covering his mother with a blanket, removing her glasses cautiously and placing them on the table in front.

when he walks out, he searches the kitchen and the bathroom and the hall and the balcony, anxiousness surfacing his fingertips already when he doesn't find dan.

"dan?" he calls and flinches slightly at his raspy voice, continuing to search for a certain pair of brown eyes everywhere but not being able to find them.

"adrian have you seen papa?" phil asks, his fingers messing with his hair nervously, and the younger boy just furrows his eyebrows and shakes his head.

"why? i though he was with--" phil doesn't let him finish, he just quickly rushes to the door and slips his feet in his shoes, grabbing his phone and dialling dan's number frantically, biting his lip in worry when dan doesn't answer.

"lock the door, and don't open it unless you hear me or papa okay? be safe," phil presses another quick kiss against adrian's forehead when he emerges from the living room, and the younger boy doesn't ask anymore questions, nodding his head in understanding and watching as his father hurried down the steps.

ten minutes later phil is driving insanely down to every place where he thinks dan could be, tears of frustration dotting the corner of his eyes and his body temperature uncomfortably low even with the blasting heaters. he hates dan for doing this to him, for making his chest hurt and for making him feel so worried that he can barely hear anything but his own ragged breathing.

he is so scared, so impossibly scared of losing dan even though a few hours ago he wanted nothing to do with him. he hates knowing how irrational dan is, how he is impatient and inconsiderate and downright stupid when he's this hurt, just the possibilities of what dan might do in this state makes phil want to pull to the side and throw up.

his stomach twists uncomfortably as his fingers dial dan's number once again, his car zooming past the bridge where he had hoped dan would be but it was just as silent as it was any other time. the steady buzz of the unanswered call drips into his brain, mixing with the confusion and fear and creating a galaxy of chaos that can't be sorted out even if he tries his best.

twenty minutes more and he is crying, fingers shaking on the steering wheel as he tries to focus on the road through his blurred vision, the bright christmas lights that drape like vines across england seem to be mocking him in the worst way possible, his skin glowing a pale shade of gold and all the misery on his face reflected in tear drops that glisten his flushed cheeks.

"please," phil whimpers pathetically, trying to reach dan again, his heart literally beating to a stuttering stop once he finally answers, phil's feet hitting the brakes almost instantly as he holds his breath.

please be dan, please be dan,please be dan

"phil?" and this is when phil completely breaks down, sobbing unabashedly into the receiver as his palm flattens against the steering wheel, his other hand gripping onto his phone tightly as he tries to catch his breath.

"phil are you okay? phil?"

"fuck you! i fucking hate you! how dare you, i was--fuck this!" phil doesn't know whether he's angry or relieved, small stars of mixed emotions spewing out of his mouth, slowly shrinking the galaxy in his mind.

"are you okay?" dan mumbles softly through the line, and phil runs his hand through his hair, the small tangles gripping at his fingers slightly.

"no, i'm not fucking okay, what makes you think you can just leave like that? leave--leave me, i can't i was so scared that i--" phil can barely speak through the lump in his throat, he just wants to see dan, to know that he's okay, to know that he's not leaving.

"i'm sorry, i shouldn't have done that," dan keeps his voice low and cautious, as if he knows that a single word could break phil completely, and phil just whimpers in response. "where are you?"

"where are you?" phil asks instead, biting his lip and sniffing pathetically. "are you okay? are you hurt? did you--"

"i'm okay, i'm fine don't worry about me, tell me where you are, calm down,"

"i-i was so scared i thought you, i thought you," phil chokes, resting his forehead against the steering as he presses the phone closer to his ear.

"no, don't be scared, i'll be here when you come back, i'll always be here,"

--

aH sorry if you feel this is a little weird ?? im not used to writing on laptops it comes out so shitty but i just wanted to update hNg

thanks for voting for me in the fanfiction awards wtf u guys are great i love u