delivered

52

phil's mind is haywire with thoughts as he types and backspaces relentlessly, even the words on his screen are incomprehensible just like his thoughts.

he can't seem to put a finger on where he has gone wrong, what is making dan hide things which could simply make or break their relationship. phil knows that he's been bitter about their friendship, but he also knows he's been trying so hard to accept it.

he had never in his life been so insecure about something.

he's never even doubted if he's trying as much as dan is, if he was actually one who had been ruining everything. right now, he feels solely responsible for whatever their relationship has become, maybe it was his lack of interest or ignorance as dan said which is creating deep pits of insecurities and uncertainty between dan and him.

he had never blamed dan for anything that has happened, the reason always somehow seemed to stem from himself and even when it didn't, phil would find a way to blame himself.

today it wasn't changing.

yet again, phil was starting to blame himself for dan's consequences, for the fact that his husband had to find comfort in someone else's company rather than his own.

he wasn't sure whether there was any love reciprocated between them anymore, it seemed more unnatural and forced the more he thought about it. maybe while he thought they were getting better, it was just dan's way to not make his life as hard as phil was making it for him.

he didn't want to hold back dan. if he was starting to lose interest in phil or his heart had started beating for someone else, phil couldn't blame him. love wasn't something that you could control, and it wasn't impossible to fall out of love with someone either.

phil just thought it would last a little bit longer for them.

he knew for a fact that he was jumping to conclusions, unnecessary ones at that, and there could be a logical reason behind why in the hell was chris in dan's room at seven in the morning.

maybe they fell asleep while working on an assignment together? phil decided to believe that it was just that and nothing else. he was somehow sure of the fact that they wouldn't have shared a bed because dan knew phil wouldn't like that, and he was sure that even if they did, they would be on the opposite sides.

just like dan and phil are.

his phone buzzed loudly on his table distracting him from his thoughts, and he cracked his cramped fingers before grabbing the device. the sight of dan's name was supposed to bring a smile on his face, but this time, it just elicited a loud sigh.

"hello?" phil's voice was slightly croaky, both from not speaking for a while and because of the lack of water.

"hey! i'm sorry we haven't talked in a while, i was really busy. how are you?" dan's voice was hurried, and bouncing a little bit as if he was walking somewhere.

"don't worry i understand. i'm fine, how's your work going?" phil wanted to ask about last night, he just wanted to know the truth so it could calm the chaos in his mind.

"it's going good, i'm just really stressed about this presentation i have today, it's really important," dan's voice held an undertone of panic, and phil wanted to comfort him, he could too, but for once he thought he needed the comfort much more than dan.

"you'll do fine, i'm sure," phil hesitated a little. "so, what were you upto last night?" phil hoped that the question didn't sound as suspicious as it did in his head.

"last night?" dan sounded a little shocked. "oh, um, i, was just, doing some work, nothing interesting," he stuttered.

"oh," it was evident in dan's tone that he was lying. "what about chris? is he also working on the presentation with you?"

"chris? no, i mean, we haven't exactly been talking, i haven't even seen him since yesterday morning, it's a very busy schedule you know?" phil sighed, almost dropping the phone on the floor as he buried his face in his hands.

"okay, i'm a little busy right now so i'll speak to you later, all the best for your thing," energy was seeping quickly, leaving phil's body and falling off his fingertips and all he wanted right now was to lay in bed and sleep.

he knew he could take a half day and go back home and do exactly that, but he wasn't sure if he could find a proper distraction there. he didn't want to lash out on adrian unnecessarily, and make the one person who loved him mad at him, so he avoided the idea.

"alright, good luck with work, i love you," dan spoke after a while, and phil had no interest in repeating the words if they didn't mean anything. he simply ended the call, and let his phone fall on his desk, as he resumed his unsuccessful task of typing the email again.

+

phil's thoughts are dissolving quickly with every gulp of the bitter tonic in his hands, soft music playing in the background and the smell of alcohol prevalent in his breath. the lumbered bar in front of him is decorated with several glasses and several people leaning on it, phil being one of them as he raises one of his fingers to order another one.

there is man sat next to him who has failed at trying to make a conversation with phil, who is normally a very talkative and sweet person, but today was rather harsh and just flipped off the man. he has curly brown hair, and eyes so green that they are burning a hole in phil's skin, and phil looks over at him with a disinterested expression.

"look, i'm gonna be real blunt mate," phil's northern accent is highlighted as the blood in his veins is replaced by cheap alcohol. "you're really hot, but unfortunately, i'm married," he raises up his left hand and points to the deranged ring that holds no meaning, the man only laughs, and runs his hand through the tangled looking mess of hair.

"it's a shame isn't it?" he raises his eyebrows as he raises his glass upto phil's, silently asking for a toast and phil grins, shaking his head pathetically.

"damn right it is," and their glasses clink together.

phil is three drinks down by the time his phone buzzes, and he runs his hands through his hair before leaning on the bar in front of him, pressing the green button and pressing the cool device to his ear.

"hello?" phil's voice is loud as he speaks, the unnamed man leaning his head in his palm as he unashamedly looks at phil.

"dad? when are you coming home?" adrian's voice is laced with confusion and phil can feel the guilt pool inside his stomach, mixing with the bitter alcohol, almost making his chest ache.

"in an hour at the max, can you please eat something and go to sleep?" phil tries to make his tone softer, but he is aware that his words are slurred enough for adrian to know that he's definitely not at work.

"okay, i will, will you please take care and not drink too much? i'll be up and wait for you," adrian sighed, not wanting to suggest his dad not to drink because he was sure he had a reason for it.

"i will darling, i promise, i'll be back soon alright? i love you,"

"okay, i love you too,"

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i don't deserve all the followers i have honestly there are so many people better than me and have way less followers ?????? kms