Aaron Carpenter Imagines & Preferences

Am I Still Not Good Enough?

(WARNING: Triggering, and contains self-harm. Please read the A/N at the end, thank you.)

Y/n's POV:

I am the diamond you left in the dust

I am the future you lost in the past

"Have you heard from Cameron today?" Aaron asked, not moving his gaze from his phone. I put the plate into the cupboard, that I had in my hands. Looking over to the couch with sad eyes, watching Aaron's hands text on his screen.

Seems like I never compared

Wouldn't notice if I disappeared

"No." I whispered, looking down at the cup I was taking out of the dishwasher.

"He said he was coming with a surprise," He said. "I've been so excited all day to see what it is. We've been planning on doing those like best friend costumes you know? It's going to be hilarious."

I nodded, putting the cup away. Aaron stayed quiet, before telling me something else Cameron had said. I felt my eyes fill with tears, and I swallowed hard.

You stole the love that I saved for myself

And I watched you give it to somebody else

"Y/n?" Aaron said looking up from his phone finally. His eyes no longer holding their loving softness. "You didn't laugh at the story, don't you think it was funny?" He asked, looking at me as I took my earrings out.

"It was funny." I say softly, looking up and giving him a soft smile. He shook his head, and looked away from me.

Ever since he moved to L.A. he's all about the guys, and I guess doesn't notice things that have to do with me. He sees me, but doesn't see me. I take off my shoes, and walk out of the kitchen.

Am I still not good enough?

Am I still not worth that much?

"Y/n?" Aaron yells.

"Y-Yes?" I say, stopping in my tracks. A sob dragging at the back of my throat.

"Can you run to the store? I need some more deodorant. The right kind this time."

I said nothing, closing my eyes in the dark hallway. Tears rolling down my cheeks, as Aaron called again. Asking if I had heard him. Asking if I was there. More tears burned my eyes, as I listened to his voice.

Does it burn

Knowing I used all the pain?

Does it hurt

Knowing you're fuel to my flame?

Don't look back

Don't need your regrets

Thank God you left my love behind

Couldn't change me if you tried

I walked into his room, slamming the door angrily. I locked the door, before letting my body fall against the wall. I cried harder, hugging the wall as I slid down the grey paint.

I was so happy he was finally closer, but that changed instantly as he became less appreciate of the things I do for him. Cameron this. Cameron that. Christian said this. Chris is coming over. I'm going out. No more goodnight kisses. No more 'I love you more'. No more 'You are the only one who understands me'. No more anything.

Am I still not good enough?

Am I still not worth that much?

I sobbed into my knees. Jumping as the door knob jiggled, looking at the white wood as the person on the other side tried to get it open.

"Y/n?" Aaron said plainly. I sobbed, pushing myself away from the wall and running to the window. "Y/n what are you doing? Open the door I need to get my costume." He said.

I sobbed harder, and the hallway grew silent. I hugged myself, watching the rain drip down the glass.

"Y/n?" He said softer. "Why are you crying? Open the door." Now he was worried. Typical.

I sniffed, wiping my tears away. Before opening my eyes and running into the bathroom that connected to the bedroom.

Am I still not good enough?

Am I still not worth that much?

I'm sorry for the way my life turned out

Sorry for the smile I'm wearing now

Guess I'm still not good enough

"Y/n." Aaron banged on the door. "Y/n! Don't do anything in there! Y/N OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT NOW!" He screamed, throwing himself at the door. Hitting the wood hard with the side of his body.

I opened the bottom drawer, reaching into my tampon box and pulling out a pill bottle. The perfect hiding spot for a little secret. I opened the cap and looked inside, blocking out the sound of the door cracking in the other room. The little pills winked up at me, screaming for me to use it.

I poured some into my hand, closed my eyes. Throwing them into my mouth and dipping my head into the sink. Swallowing the pills with the cold water, feeling free at last. I had broken myself. Broken my clean streak.

I sat myself on the floor, staring around the room as it began to lose focus around me. The room was spinning. I was on a Ferris wheel, spinning away from reality. Away from the hurt. Away from the cold nights. Away from Aaron.

You ain't seen nothing yet

Your love wore thin

And I never win

You want the best

So sorry that's clearly not me

This is all I can be

The bedroom door slammed to the floor, and Aaron screamed my name. He appeared at the bathroom door, and stared in horror at the empty pill bottle on the floor. He dropped down next to me, holding me in his arms as his voice sobbed words I didn't know.

My entire body was shaking, and soon Aaron's voce was completely gone. I could see the outline of his figure, his panicking face as he watched my eyes close and open slowly.

He screamed my name. Sobbing and yelling at my lifeless body. But my ears rejected it. Only hearing the sound of my own heart beat slowing. Finally falling asleep as he cried tears I'd never see.

"Why'd you have to use them all?!" He screamed angrily at my body. "Leaving me here with nothing to follow you with!" He sobbed.

"Y/n! P-Please wake up-p." He cried. "I-I'm s-s-so sor-r-ry."

Am I still not good enough?

Am I still not worth that much?

I'm sorry for the way my life turned out

Sorry for the smile I'm wearing now

Guess I'm still not good enough...

•

To the beautiful person reading this,

I want you to know I am always here. Yes, other writers always say "If you need to talk, I'm here". But please know I mean it from the bottom of my being. I've been there trust me. And I know what's it's like to not feel like I'm enough for anything. You matter. You are so special. If you don't believe me, then contact me and I'll prove you wrong. You are so amazing to me, and have changed my life forever. You are enough. You will always be enough. Enough for the stars that surround the world. Enough for the kingdom that is yours. Yours to find and take.

You are everything to me. Everything. Yes, you the one reading this. You.

I love you.

-meggs