Georgetown Behavior Health Institutions

April 17th

I woke up at 6:30,  but for a few seconds I was confused because i wasn't in the same room. I forgot i went home. I leaned up in my bed and i didn't want to get up. I felt like i had no confidence to get up to do anything. Now that i was back in the real world, i didn't want to face what was going to happen. I finally got up and walked out of my room and into the kitchen. i thought to  my self, "geez, i'm thirsty" When i walked into the kitchen the sky was still was still dark, no one was awake. I got a glass of water and drunk it. I could feel the cold water go down my throat and into my stomach after it reached my stomach it was as if i could feel the cold course through my veins. I set the glass of water down and i went outside and sat on the 4 step staircase that led to the side walk. I stared into the sky and then into the field that was across the street. I stayed out there for a while, then imagined the voice in my head of the staff telling everyone to wake up, and seeing everyone come out of their rooms and gather into the day room. I miss Jacob. He always made me smile, but now i don't have a way to ever talk to him. So I probably won't ever see him again. I got up from the steps, and went inside. I can't describe what i am feeling, right now i don't feel sad, nor happy, or depressed, or anything. I feel like i am emotionally numb. I feel like i want to scream loud, and just throw things and just go mad. But, i also seem to not have the strength to do so, i feel weak, as if i wanted to crawl back in bed and just lay there, not move. not eat. nothing, do nothing but lay there. But i also know that if i just lay there, staring at the ceiling. I am going to go insane. I flopped down on the couch and laid there. I eventually closed my eyes and drifted back to sleep, around 8:30 my mother came into the living room and woke me up. She then proceeded to tell me that we had to go see officer New. Which i wasn't looking forward to. I wasn't ready to deal with this yet. I'm not ready to talk to anyone. I just want to be left alone. But i couldn't say no. I didn't have a choice in going or not. I got up and i went to the truck and i didn't say a word my whole way to the office. I haven't talked much since i got back. I haven't seen Justin, or heard from him, which is a good thing. When we pulled up to the office me and my mother got out and walked up to the desk. My mother requested officer New, the receptionist told us to have a seat in the waiting area and officer New will be with us shortly. We waiting for a while then officer new came to the front and called us back. We went back there and signed a bunch of legal documents about everything, and she explained to us that how she cannot tell us just yet whether or not we will have to appear in front of a judge, or what will happen. She did tell me, that since it was my first time ever being in trouble that it could work out for me. If the D.A  wanted to just dismiss it, i wouldn't have anything on my record, i wouldn't have to see a judge, and i would only have to serve a small amount of punishment. After about an hour and a half, of speaking with the officer, we finally left. On the way home my mother told me that we have to go to blue bonnet trails tomorrow for an appointment scheduled by officer New. She also told me that i have an appointment with Mr. Washington at school. I really don't want to see that dip shit again. I have a lot of hate for him. 

It was around 11:30 at night. My parents were asleep, and i couldn't sleep. So i decided to take a shower. I went to the bathroom and locked the door and turned on the water to the shower. I turned around and looked at my self in the mirror. Then i started thinking of everything. All the memories came back and was hitting me hard. I bursted into tears and i couldn't stop crying. The pain of not being good enough. Being cheated on, Being stepped all over. Came back, I felt like i was rock bottom. I couldn't help my self. I stood up and i opened the mirror and i grabbed the razor used to shave and i broke it. i took the blade out and i pressed it against my skin, pulling it, letting the blade re-unite with my skin, letting the blade kiss my skin. Watching as the blood slowly runs down my arm, One cut, Two cuts, Three cuts. I couldn't help my self. I kept going. Over and over and over. More blood the blade demanded. The blood dripped on the floor and in the sink. But i wasn't stopping. My face was red and so was my arm. I didn't stop until my arm was completely covered with opened wounds.