Georgetown Behavior Health Institutions

April 27th

After finally getting out, I knew now was the time I was going to have to deal with reality. I can't go back. Not again. After getting up and getting prepared, I had to go straight to the probation office, to discuss what the plan is for me. The drive there was silent. Not too much was said between my mom and I. I just knew now that I had to face what I have done. I guess you can say I got the easy way out of this. I didn't have to face jail, which I was okay with. After arriving at the probation office, I had to wait to be called into the back to speak with officer New. While I was sitting there, there were other kids in there too. While sitting there, I heard the familiar voice from the last time I was here. Officer New walked out from the door that led to the offices, with a boy, who looked like he could be in his 30's.  His mother stood up from the chair.

"He is dirty." Was the next sentence spoke from officer New. His mothers eyes shot wide open, and he just stood there and smiled. By the actions he was showing, i'm going to go ahead and assume that he is one of those kids who do not care if they get locked up, they do not care if they get in trouble. You know, the ones that think they are "all about that life" but truly aren't. You could see the embarrassment on the mother's face when the officer said that.  Officer New leaned back into the door and told the staff inside something, my guess was that they are gonna prepare him for jail. A few minutes later, I was called back. We walked back to her office and me and my mother sat down in the chairs in front of her desk. 

"Ryan, why don't you tell me what exactly happened. why did you write those things on the wall."

I looked at her, not exactly wanting to tell her why I did that. I wasn't very comfortable telling her that it was cause of this guy I liked. I never liked really telling "adults" the way I see things. 

"I felt back-stabbed. Betrayed. A lot was going on and I was having a mental break down. I didn't know what I was doing until it was too late. I mean, I know what right from wrong is. But when you feel like you are losing your shit, Nothing seems real. You feel like this is a nightmare, that you just want to hurry up and wake back up from. But, it wasn't. I don't think I realized what i did, until I was laying there at Georgetown. I'm not usually like this.."

And i'm really not. I usually keep everything so bottled up and pushed down I just continue with my life. But that day that everything happened. I don't know. You can only keep everything down for so long. Sooner or later, it will come back up. Bigger then you would ever imagine. You turn into this monster, something you can't control. The amount of hate you feel for the world. The amount of hate you feel for yourself, Is so unreal. Depression isn't something that just "goes away" I've been dealing with depression for almost 5 years now.  Don't let people tell you that "it gets better" because it doesn't. It only gets worse. The depression grows and grows. Sooner or later, you will go crazy. Whether you're just so fed up with it and finally live your dream of being free from this place, or completely go psychotic on society. It all depends on how well you fake it. But faking can only go so far. 

The officer looked at me for a short second, as if she never dealt with a case like this. Which she may have not. I'm sure she was trained to deal with this situation, but training for something, and then having it happen right in front of you is completely different. 

They couldn't do much with me. Not until the judge decides what he wants to do with me, whether I even need to go upon the judge. Officer New explained to me, that there might be a possibility that I don't have to go in front of the judge, that he may understand and dismiss everything, all the charges and give me a second chance. It all depends on the attitude of the judge. I was charged with Terroristic threat. A felony 3. But in my best of luck, everything could be dismissed and i could be on the lowest level of probation and it would be over quickly. 

"I want you to continue with bluebonnet trails also. They still want to see how you are doing."

I just nodded my head. My mother and I had to sign a few papers stating that I am completely aware of what is going on.

After leaving the Probation office, we went straight to Bluebonnet Trails. I talked to the same lady who sent me back last time. Megan. To refrain my self from going back, I played the act iv'e been playing for the last 5 years. I guess you would figure after going crazy and hitting rock bottom all that can happen is to go up. But I didn't "feel better" Georgetown Behavior Health Institution did not help me with anything. All they did was keep me away from my horrible reality for a bit. She asked me the same questions from before, How I was feeling and How was my experience. I didn't say much. Just kept it short and simple. About half an hour went by discussing my so called "plan." They wanted to continue medication for me, Which i was kinda okay with. Because don't get me wrong. I want to get better. I don't want to feel like I constantly want to kill myself. Or when something goes bad, go straight to slitting my wrists. But, I could never find something that felt better then feeling the hurt leave your body through your blood. It just makes everything better. I've been playing this game for so long, I'm ready to find something else.

after leaving Bluebonnet trails, We went home. Then everything was back to the way it was. We all treated it as if nothing ever happened. I stayed in my room most of the day. usually i don't mind my phone. But iv'e been keeping it close to me ever since I got out. To be honest, I was waiting for the phone call or text message from Addison. I guess, Just to reassure that he was okay. That he made it out of there, okay. That nothing happened. That he didn't fall weak. That he's still alive.