Georgetown Behavior Health Institutions

April 19th

My eyes opened and i saw the blinking blue light coming from my computer. I couldn't move, not because i was restricted or anything, but because i was so emotionally numb that It felt like i just had so much weight on my body and all i could do was look around. It's not that i couldn't get up, its more like i didn't want to. The skies were still dark so i knew it was early. After a while of just laying in the dark, i finally got up and i grabbed my phone and turned on the screen to check the time. A bright shot of light hit my eyes and blinded me right away. I quickly turned down the brightness and then checked the time. it was 3:47 am. I thought to my self "why am I awake?" I then laid back down and tried to go back to sleep, but i couldn't. I felt like i wanted to cry, but no tears were coming out. I wanted to punch the wall or something, but i couldn't find the strength to do so. I felt like i was just going completely mad. I knew that I finally found rock bottom, and I hate it. After finally not being able to handle that feeling of just depression and sorrow, i forced my self back to sleep. 

After a while, I was being awaken by my mother, she was telling me i needed to get up so we can go to blue bonnet trails. On the truck ride there I was strongly thinking about whether or not I should go back. I knew i had to, but i also just wanted all this to end already. While in the truck my mother told me " It's okay if you go back, It wont be as bad as the first time, so don't worry about us, we can handle it now" after she telling me that, it made it so easier to decide. Knowing that my mother was okay with it, i knew i can go back now. 

After awhile of sitting in the waiting room of the building, a lady came back and got me and my mom to talk about counseling and medication and our "future plan" while she was talking i had to interrupt her sentence because what she is telling me is not useful, so i blurted out "I'm going back..."  she stopped and looked at me and then at my mom, and my mother explained everything. The look on her face was confused and surprised, as if she never had this happen before. She then helped us with the whole process of going through the paper work again asking me the same questions as last time. After an hour of questions and evaluation, she told me that they will be expecting me tonight. I then went home and packed everything and headed back to G.B.I.H. 

The process was the same as last time, i waited four hours to complete everything and then another 2 hours just to get to my room. But when i went back to one of the waiting rooms i saw a kid in the room we passed, i looked at him and he looked back and then i continued to the waiting room. 

Finally i got to my room, there was a kid already in there laying down. I placed my things on the bed and i laid down. But of course i couldn't sleep. My nerves were high awake. I laid there and then the tears started rolling down my face, thinking to my self "what am i doing?" How could I do this again. Deal with these people again? Why would i put my self back in this situation when less then 5 hours ago i was free from this place. Now i'm back. After a while of crying, i finally fell asleep. I didn't dream. And honestly, whats the point of sleep if you can't dream.