Handwritten || s.m

3.3

It had been a month or so since Shawn had come back from America. Things seemed to go back to the way they were; Shawn was with Jess nearly every second of the day, Rose was still trying to get her grades up, and Jeremy was nowhere to be seen. I had started to avoid the cafeteria completely, too afraid of seeing anyone. Specifically Shawn. My feelings for him had my heart inflating to the point of physical pain, and sitting alone just made me feel too vulnerable. You'd think, their favourite person, RealMe, saying that bullying wasn't cool would stop my fellow classmates from treating me like shit. I guess I just go to school with a bunch of idiots.

I had got into the habit of bringing my lunch to school with me. Although I was always on edge, it made it hard to stomach food. I was picking at my fruit salad, cursing at my healthy choice, when Shawn entered the music classroom. "Oh!" He gasped in surprise, making me look up just as startled. "Hey Ellie. I didn't know you were in here."

"Well, here I am," I reply, my body still tense. It probably had been about the same amount of time since I last talked to Shawn; a few days after he arrived back.

"How have you been?" He comes over to sit opposite me. "What's this you're eating?"

"I got sick of cafeteria food," I lie. "Besides, this is healthy." I pop a piece of pineapple in my mouth. "How about yourself? What has Mr Super-star been up to?"

Shawn sighs, running his fingers through his hair as he always does when he's stressed. "Not going to lie, I've been better," Shawn looks down at the table. "I don't need to bother you with my problems though."

"Hey, I don't go around saying I'm Shawn Mendes' best friend and then not act as his best friend."

"Really, you go around saying that?"

"No, silly. But that's what I am, isn't it?" I immediately regret asking. Maybe that has changed in the last few weeks. I mean, we had barely spoken.

"Obviously," he grabs my hand from across the table, and then lets it go just as quickly. My heart jumps into my throat, and I'm grateful he starts speaking again. "I mean, it's probably nothing. I just think Jess has been acting weird recently. She doesn't want to come over as much. And when she does, she just wants to have sex. She doesn't want to talk or do anything else."

My heart sinks back into my chest hearing what he has to say, my stomach then tuning to sinking very low. I shouldn't be surprised that he and Jess had done it. Heck, they were probably about to do it in the tree house that night. I hold back the shudder that is creeping up my spine. Sometimes, it really sucks being his best friend because he tells me everything. And I am so in love with him that I wish I didn't know him, so he wouldn't tell me that sort of thing.

"Well," I manage to say after a minute of thinking. "Maybe you're just entering a new stage of your relationship?" I look at the table awkwardly.

"I don't think that's what it is."

"Well I don't know! You've come to the wrong person! I have next to no experience!" I snap.

"Hey, but you understand me. I was kind of just hoping you'd tell me I'm over thinking," Shawn looks taken aback by my harsh reaction. I sigh.

"You didn't even come in here looking for me."

"I'm happy I found you though," he whispers. We sit in silence and I finish eating my lunch. While I'm packing up my stuff, Shawn gets on his feet. "I don't know, maybe this relationship is all wrong."

And once again, my heart jumps back into my throat. I swallow hard, forcing it back where it belongs. Before I can fully recover, he starts to speak again. "Thanks for listening, I'll see you later."

"Bye," I say as he runs out of the room. I fall back into my chair frustrated with myself. I shouldn't feel these things! I shouldn't be angry with my best friend for being intimate with another person. I shouldn't be happy that his relationship might be falling apart. Besides, he's only 16. He will be with plenty more people in his life. I should just move on. Fall in love with someone else. I can't help but smile at the idea that I might have the slightest chance.