Everything I Own

White Lies

"Kim, ayusin mo yung pag set!" Sigaw ni coach habang kasagsagan ng laban namin sa loob ng Razon.

Shit! Pang-ilang sigaw na ni coach yan and i really think Kim is very distracted.

After ng ilan pang sigaw ni coach, he decided to cut the training. At bago siya umalis, nag-iwan pa siya ng message kay kim.

"Ayusin mo nga ang sarili mo Kim. Kitang kita na wala sa training ang utak mo! Team captain ka pero ano? Sana okay ka na bukas dahil kung hindi, alam mo na ang mangyayari sa buong team!"

Yan ang sinabi ni coach. Verbatim!

Sh*t. Alam kong ako lang ang makakaayos nito. She's distracted because of me.

The selfish me would not mind and let the whole team be punished tomorrow. But i cant do that. That would be hell.

I need to keep my sh*t together.

I need to do the right thing.

Even if that means i'll sink.

Sink alone.

Kaharap ko ngayon si Mika, Ara , Mok and kianna. Ang mga taong tanging nakakaalam ng kahibangan namin ni kim.

"What are you gonna do now Achi?" Mika asked.

"The right thing to do Miks.. The rightest thing to do.." I answered with a dry smile.

Kianna hugged me first and then they all hugged me.

Just what i needed.

"We will always be here, ate gurl." Kianna said while breaking the hug.

And why did i ever think i'll sink alone? And why did i ever think i'll sink? I have them. I still have my family. I still have them.

"Just so you know, im trying not to cry here so please dont be so melodramatic. You're ruining my make up." I said as i try to touch the sidelines of my eye.

"Gaga! Wala kang make up! Kakatapos lang ng training!" And Mok being Mok, alam nyo na ang ginawa nya after.

"Kagabi ka pa Mok ha! Ubos na braincells ko kakabatok mo." Sabi ko sa kanya.

"Dont worry gurl. I'll be your doctor." Sabi naman nya sa akin. -___- wow ha

Nagstay lang kami dun at nagkwentuhan. Tapos every minute ata silang nagtatanong if Im okay or if i'll be fine or what will i do next.

I know they're just concerned. But it would be a lie if i answered them that im okay. So i told them, i'll be okay. In time. And i dont know what's next after this. I'll stick to my motto. Whatever happens, happens.

Ara's making kwento when she suddenly stopped and nakatingin sila sa likod ko. I looked behind only to fine the creature who's always on my mind, my heart and my soul.

"This is it." Bulong ko.

"Pwede ba kitang makausap, Dit?" And the phrase avoided this morning was dropped now like a bomb.

I somehow expected it na pero iba pa din talaga pag narinig mo na ng live. It stings! Big time!

Nagpa-alam na sila mok. May pupuntahan daw sila. Sus. Napanood ko na yun sa movie. Ang cliche lang. Sana pelikula na lang ito para pwede kong i-stop at wag ng i-play pa kahit kailan.

But no. This is the reality.

I tap the space beside me. Lumapit naman siya pero sa tapat ko siya umupo. Wow. Ang cold lang! What happened to sobrang-close-no-space-clinginess? Wala na. In just a snap.

"So? What is this about?" I finally asked her. Ayaw magsalita eh. Naaawa pa siguro. Okay. Bitterness alert.

"Cyd--"

"Wow, nung kaharap sila Ara, Dit tapos nung tayo na lang dalawa, Cyd. From Dit to Cyd real quick huh?" Now my words are full of bitterness.

"I-im sorry." She said as she bow down.

You shoul be! You should be kim kasi ang sakit sakit ng ginawa mo! You told me you love me and we will just wait for us to happen pero tang*ina lang, ako na lang pala yung umaasa. Ako na lang pala yung nagmamahal. Ako na lang pala yung natira sa eksena.

God knows i wanted to tell her that pero it will just make things from worse to worst.

Kinastigo ko pa ang sarili ko for sounding so bitter kanina. That will not help the situation. You need to convince her. Convince her that this is fine. That she didnt do anything wrong.

I held her hand. She looked at me. And just like in the movie, she's also crying. I wipe her tears and smile.

Yes Cyd, you're doing the right thing. Just say it and go. You only need to make her feel secure that you will be okay. That she 's not at fault. That it's not her, its the situation.

Do i really need to do this? I want to hold this hand as long as i live. I want to be with her.

Shit Cyd! What are you thinking?

I guess, my heart and mind have different say on this.

But, I'm sorry heart. All i need you to do now is to beat. Just beat. Okay?

I sighed first before i start my words full of lies. White lies. This is how much i love you kim fajardo! So you should make your relationship work or else..

"Dont be Kimang. It's not anyone's fault. We all know we are not going to happen. There's a lot to compromise and a lot of complications. We tried. At least we tried." There's only one word on my mind now.

Liar! Liar! Liar!

Make it three. Intense eh.

But i can see her face lit up and it'a good sign right? That means im doing good. And that also means im starting to fall apart.

Now im really convince, i can beat jacquelyn next mmff.

"And what's there not to like? Mela's a good catch. She's great. She's wonderful. And you look good together."

Im even a fan of myself now. I didnt stutter saying every word. Not even once.

I'll audition for pbb next season. I'll make it big. I suddenly feel like a pro.

"Do you really mean that Cyd?" She asked full of hope in her eyes.

And that "Cyd" though. I think i should start getting used to it. No more "Dit" for me.

No! Of course not. It's a lie. Everything was a lie! Even you!

"Y-yes.."  And there. A stumble a bit. But she didnt notice because she's so static as she hug me tight.

Is this my reward now? A hug?

If this is then..

I'll take it anyway.

So i hugged her as much as i can. Because this will be the last time.