Ash and Dusk

Chapter 17

The crown was pressed on my head with the power of my betrayal. That's the way it felt when I was walking through the throne room. I couldn't look at the people's faces, because I was too afraid of their expresions, of what I could see if I turned my head a little. The thought of my friends watching me was enough to make me feel sick.
I couldn't even look at him but it doesn't matter. I know what I would see. His face knowing he already won. Without anything to look at, I forced myself to keep my eyes on the two thrones in front of me. One of them being mine now.
I kept my face emotionless, but inside I was a hurricane, one that looks terrifing but it can be kept at bay so easily.
I stopped near the stairs. One step, two steps, three steps and the Darkling was near me. My eyes were still focused on the thrones.
"Look at me" he said with coldness, obviously iritated by my behaviour.
I turned my head. His face was a reflexion of my own, not showing any emotion. I pretended not to notice the strange flicker in his eyes caused, once again, by his victory.
I took his hand while he was guiding me to the thrones. The stairs were gone just like the distance between me and my throne. My throne.
And that was the moment when I felt like everything I've built has turned to ashes. The moment when I was seated on my throne to finally see everyone's faces. Some grisha were frowning, but that wasn't important at all. They were trying to look happy, but that fake happines was dimmed by the shadow of sadness. Confusion. Anger. I saw a girl forming the word betrayal with her mouth. She had tears in her eyes. That cutted deep in my heart.
But that wasn't the worst. Not at all. The worst was that my friends were in the front line. They were hurt. I could easily saw that. They were hurt because of me. And how can I encourage myself with the thought of doing this for my friends when they have lost their trust in me?
I felt the cold arms of loneliness crawl around me.
"My queen"
I was brought back to reality by his voice.
"My king" I responded. That words burned my tongue.
And I swear I saw him smiling satisfied.
At a nod of his head the crowd eruppted with a fake joy.
"All hail the king and queen of Ravka!"
I remained still until every single thought vanished from my mind, leaving nothing to comfort me.

***

"My queen, you have a meeting in five minutes."
"I know. Just let me..." And my papers flew everywhere in the room.
I'll admit. I was surprised when the first papers came ready to be signed, but what really shocked me was their quantity. I had to read every single word, on every single paper even if it was important or not. When I finished them I left a tired sight and threw myself directly onto the bed. My joy lasted a few minutes before I heard a light knock at my door. I opened and a servant was holding another pack of papers. I haven't even bothered to fake a smile.
Since then the paperwork and meetings were my major activities. In some way it doesn't bother me because they keep me busy, consuming my whole day, without leaving time to think about how my friends are avoiding me. Or how I haven't even tried to spoke to them.
I was brought back to reality by the sound of someone clearing their throat.
"Your papers, majesty."
I took the papers and put them on my desk.
"Thank you" I replyed, already leaving the room for another meeting.
The servant kept following me.
"No problem. It was my pleasure"
I stopped in my place to examine him. He was a little taller than me, his hair was a blonde mess, and he was clearily younger than me, with at least three years. I don't know how I haven't even noticed how he looks. It was like he never existed.
"I don't think it's a pleasure to do every little thing for me."
He remained in his place and I went further.

"I think it's better to do this way."
"But there are too many things that can go wrong. We better..."
The rest of the conversation vanished. I was in the war room at another meeting, where, obiviously, I was out of my comfort zone. The Grisha were arguing with some nobles while the Darkling stood silent watching them. This continued for more than an hour and I was both annoyed and bored.
"I think we should start to transport goods through the shadow fold again" said a noble.
"And how are you planning to do that? The west is waiting for the perfect opportunity to start a battle against us and we can't take the risk of going on another road."
The man who spoke first rolled his eyes.
"But we have the Sun Summoner. I'm sure they'll be more obedient this time."
The Darkling gazed at him and I saw the men suddenly shivering, because that look could have killed someone.
"The Sun Summoner as you said is the queen of Ravka and, at the same time, your queen. So I expect from you to refer to her as your sovereign and nothing less."
The man looked completly terrified when he heard the Darkling's voice, calm as the sea before a storm and sharp as the ice.
"It applies to everyone."
For the first time in that day in the room was a heavy silence.
"Understood?"
Everyone nodded.
"Good. You may leave."
Some of them were looking like they wanted to say something, but they reconsidered when they looked at the Darkling. When everybody left I got up from my chair and went toward the doors.
"Alina, wait"
I turned around waiting for what he was going to say next.
"I will leave tomorrow. The castle remains to you."
I nodded, a question still bothering me.
"Where do you go?" I finally asked.
He sighted. "Does it matter?"
I was considering if I should question him further or just let go. More informations can be helpful.
"Yes, it matters" I responded.
He studied me a little before replying.
"Near the fold. Satisfied?"
"Very."
One corner of his mouth raised into a half smile.
I left without saying anything else. On the way back to my rooms I was still thinking about how he really leaves the palace on my hands.

__________________________________
Here it is. I am so sorry that I haven't uploaded a chapter in months but school is really pissing me off right now and it keeps me so busy. I feel like I should just make a chapter where I am apologizing.

Anyway, christmas is coming! If that's not a reason to be happy then I don't know what is it.

See you when I can find more time to write,
your annoying fanfiction writer,
Annie