Holding On To You//Joshler

Chapter 22

♪Tyler♪

I sipped my new cup of coffee, the heat was blistering but that didn't stop me from drinking. I needed the energy to deal with Josh. I needed the energy to deal with myself. Josh hadn't left me alone for the past 18 hours or so, and I needed time to think. But I didn't have the time to reach clarity of thought when I had a hungover child who was probably still asleep In my bed. Why did I leave Josh in my room? Why didn't I just send him home? I suppose I wasn't innately an asshole, like Brendon. Grasping my mug, I tipped it vertically and downed the last bit of coffee. I wiped my mouth and set about leaving the realm of peace and entering the chaotic house.

As I opened the back door, I lifted up the veil that I had trapped myself in for those brief few minutes. Josh was waiting impatiently by the door it seemed, he'd apparently claimed ownership of the hoodie that I had kindly offered him. I swiped the bundle of clothes from the kitchen counter and sauntered over to him.

"My mom washed these for you" I grunted lowly and handed him the stack of clothes. He reluctantly grabbed them. "I'm sorry for snapping back at you but, do you really have to leave so soon?"

Josh shrugged his shoulders, but his body continued to jerk slowly. If I knew any better he was crying softly.

"I didn't mean to upset you Josh, look I've had my morning caffeine now okay I can be my better self, just don't go home yet okay? I don't want your dad seeing you hungover"

"Can I go back to bed?" Josh's voice broke is various places, it was so broken that I don't think broke was the right verb, broke suggested that it was stable in the first place and then damaged.

I awkwardly twiddled my thumbs, "Are you upset about me?" I cooed, trying not to upset him further with my usual blunt tone. Josh shook his head softly.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I need to, I just, I'm scared"

I placed my hand on Josh's lower back and began to guide him back toward the staircase.

"You don't have to be scared Josh come on"

I felt Josh jump lightly as he noticed my arm curling against his side, he'd started to radiate a heat of embarrassment.

"Do you want me to let go? Sorry it's just after last night I thought that it'd be normal to touch you but I guess not"

I heard Josh's Adam's apple hit the floor as he fought the urge to gulp - it suddenly hit me, maybe he regretted everything about last night. He probably didn't even intend to get that close to me, it wasn't like he came onto me or anything, it's just In the brief moments of last night I felt like I finally had the capacity to finally feel something other than numbness. The thought of Josh's arms around me just made me feel warm, I don't know what else to compare it to because it was a totally new feeling for me. I guess I was taking a liking to the idea of affection, but Josh obviously felt very uncomfortable on the subject.

"No, no" he quivered, "I like when you hold me, I feel, I feel stable sort of. Thank you for looking out for me Ty"

"Like I've said last night was no biggie it's okay"

"It's not that, I just mean. You didn't have to be my friend, I know I make you uncomfortable, and that you barely know me yet I put you through all of this"

I opened the bedroom door and swiftly shut it behind us, to keep the prying eyes of my mother safely in the dark.

"T-t-t-Tyler?" Josh stammered, gobsmacked at my sudden burst of energy. I moved my arm from Josh's waist and pulled him close, it felt odd, me being the weedy one and Josh the strong, but it seemed like Josh needed a hug as much as I did. I felt him nestle his head into the crease of my shoulder and I sighed a little, I'd been craving his warmth ever since he left me alone last night.

"Is this okay?" I muttered into his ear, as I whispered the hairs on his neck shot up.

"It's nice Ty, its just, are you okay with this? I don't want to force you into anything"

"I like it, I think, I don't know I don't want to overthink it"

Josh pulled away slowly and gave me a polite smile, he plonked himself down on my bed and patted the empty space next to him.

"Why were you mad at me this morning?" he tilted his head in his usual puppy like nature.

"I guess I was confused about last night you know?"

"How so?" my hands had started to shake as a product of my nerves, Josh took them into his own and started to rub them softly.

"It's just, did you mean it?"

"I don't know how to say this, I don't want you to think any less of me"

"I would never"

"It's just I cant remember anything I did last night, and I'm just scared that I maybe forced myself upon you? That's why I thought you were mad"

"Nothing like that happened Josh, don't worry"

"If I ever do something like that again, don't be scared to stop me. I wont be offended. What hurts me more is the fact that I could be taking advantage of you and you wouldn't even be able to tell me"

My brain didn't have the time to stop and think. In the heat of the moment I just acted upon the urge that was suffocating me. I turned my body to face Josh's, after inhaling deeply I lightly placed my hands onto Josh's head and brought him a little closer. I kissed his forehead softly and lingered there for what felt like too long, my breathing quickened it was stupid how worked up I was.

"Tyler, I think I might cry. You're so adorable"

"I am not, I just, whatever okay I'm not cute"

Josh pushed my gently, "You're like my small child bless. A forehead kiss? The purest kiss"

"I wish I could take it back"

"Do you mean that?"

"No, not really"