Holding On To You//Joshler

Chapter 39

★ Brendon★

Ryan squirmed around in effort to tell me to move, but I was adamant that I was going to stay, I needed to talk to Dallon. I needed to sort things out, I was Brendon Boyd Urie and I did not half heartedly approach life and its obstacles. 

"Are you sure you wont come with us Brendon?" Ryan pleaded before wolfing down the last of my pancake that he had stolen. "You know we still have much to discuss" Ryan non discreetly sent a wink in my direction, "You know the BAND"

I sent a punch to his side as a little gift, "Ryan please, we can discuss it another day yeah? I have something I need to do here, something I need to say"

"What like, the big something?" Ryan seemed concerned like he knew a storm was coming, but I didn't think it was, in fact I knew I could keep the storm at bay.

"It isn't a big deal Ry, he practically knows already, and don't worry I'm not going to name drop you unless I'm sure that everything is going to work out"

"Good luck Boyd, oh God I do love that name" Ryan giggled softly, I didn't know how but Ryan was getting sweeter and sweeter by the second.

"I don't need luck I need you, now go on scram, I cant stand not being able to kiss you"

"You're so fucking gay, how did you stay in the closest for this long?"

"Shut up" I spat, holding my foot out so that he would trip, but Ryan had grown accustomed to my foul play.

"I know you too well" Ryan waved daintily at Sally who was looking at him with nothing but admiration. Ryan was a shiny button of a boy, the good citizen that every parent dreamed of.

"Good luck Brendon, you have more balls than I'll ever have for doing this, I'm proud" Tyler gave me an unusually delicate look.

"This is the first time someone's been proud of me then" I said, it was partly the truth.

"It wont be the last" Tyler ruffled my hair and I squealed as a result.

I sat patiently and waited for Dallon to clock off from work. I watched as the gentle baby blue tones of the sky began to sink into a darker, more harsh palette . From the cotton candy clouds a few stars had started to show themselves and shine down on the small diner, my heart was synchronised with their frequent flashes. It felt like a scene ripped right from a children's tale, I suppose I was just overanalysing everything in the abundance of time that I had.

Dallon came over to my table around twenty times in the six hours that I was sat in the booth alone, he'd skate over with a somewhat fresh pot of coffee to offer me. I had tried to deny it for the first two hours, but after that I needed something to keep we alert (awake). Raising my head from the table, I checked the clock for the final time, 9:06pm.

"I think I hate your 8 hour shifts more than you do" I groaned, sleep swallowing me whole.

"Why did you stay? If you wanted to talk you could've just left and came back at nine" he was wiping the table down with a cloth, I'd never pegged him as a domestic type.

"Shit" I mumbled, "I didn't think of that" Dallon threw his head back and let out a chuckle.

"If I didn't know any better Bren, I'd say you were high"

"I quit smoking it months ago"

"Its apparent you don't need it to be weird and relaxed anymore, now" he paused as he clambered into the seat across from me. He rested his fists under his chin and looked at me with an intent focus, this was the first time in my short life that I had realised how intimidating Dallon could be. If someone had the ability to scare me whilst in roller boots and a bright green uniform then they had some kind of hold over me. I'd never noticed the strength of his jaw and how sharp and definitive all of his features were. To be honest, I don't think I'd ever taken the time to notice anyone, it felt nice to leave my world of arrogance, I was starting to notice a whole array of new things.

"What did you wait so long to say?" Dallon removed me from my analysing state.

"I don't know how you're going to take it dillweed, but I have a few months of high school left so if everything goes horribly wrong than there's only a short amount of time I have to endure it so"

"You haven't called me dillweed since middle school" Dallon wanted to softly chuckle but the moment for laughing had passed,"and you're talking about leaving me? Why do you think I'd leave you Brendon?"

"Dallon, if I tell you this will you promise to tell no one. I want to be the one to tell people okay, and you're the first person I'm talking to, well out of our group"

"Brendon, I get it. You're gay. And I'm sorry for acting the way I did when I saw you and Ryan together, I guess I didn't want the others suspecting anything about me, that was wrong of me. I shouldn't have used you as a shield"

"How did you know?" I shouted under my breath, I was filled with panic, "Is it that obvious?"

"Not to those boneheads that we call friends, did you notice anything odd about me?" I'd completely blanked out the part where Dallon was hinting something at me.

"No, why are you gay? Is my gaydar broke?"

"Just because I'm not sexually into girls it doesn't mean I'm gay Bren, that isn't the only sexuality"

"Sorry Dallon, go on, we might as well have a heart to heart whilst we're at it. I feel like I'm at a mothers meeting"

"Shut up, I'm trying to be serious here" the laughter came back into his tone, "You're the first friend I'm talking to about this too okay"

"I'm all ears, metaphorically"

"That joke wasn't funny five years ago, and it still isn't"

"Go on, I wont interrupt"

"I've never looked at a girl like that you know? Nothing in me has ever wanted to be with a girl sexually. So I thought, I must be gay. I must be into guys. But then I started to look into that and realised-"

"You've been sexually active with guys? Wow Dallon"

Dallon blushed, his stern features seemed softer now. "One guy, but I wont tell you his name, it was equally as embarrassing for us both"

"I wont judge you for it you know, I mean as long as you use protection and shit"

"Same to you, but you're missing the point. What I'm trying to say is, I don't want to have sex with anyone Bren and I never knew that was thing until a few months ago, I found some chatroom and I talked it out with some people like me"

"I'm glad you've found people like you Dil, that's nice. I hope everything's a little less suffocating for you now"

"A weight has gone from my shoulders yea, but yeah Brendon I'm asexual. Just, don't tell the others yea? Like you said, I wanna be the one to tell them. I doubt they'll understand but"

"Well I understand" I grabbed his hand from over the table, "Is this okay?"

Dallon nodded, "I wont out you if you don't out me?"

I spat on my hand and Dallon mirrored my actions, "Deal" we shook hands.

"You know, that Ryan is quite cute I think I might-"

"He's mine Dillweed, don't even think about it"

"Come on, I'll walk you home, surprisingly no one wants to approach you when you're dressed like this"

"Oh really?" I sniggered. I couldn't remember why I didn't confide in Dallon sooner, he always was different from the rest, more open minded. I hated myself for not saying something sooner.