Holding On To You//Joshler

Chapter 30

👻Ryan👻

I hated myself for being so weak. I should have realised that Brendon's perfect version of himself was his own idea of perfection - not mine. He didn't care about me, not really. Brendon didn't have the capacity for it. But he did have the power to care about himself, we live in a dog eat dog world and unfortunately Bren knows this. He knows that no one else has got his back.

I did not want to cry. I did not want Brendon to feel like he had won. But he had. Brendon had won. Every tear that fell stung, my cheek was a blank canvas that was now drowning in self pity, self hatred,disgust. My arms shook violently as I tried to pick myself up, but I couldn't even support my own small frame. I should never have come back here. I should never have let myself talk to Brendon Urie.

My body jerked as someone grabbed me tightly by the arm, they dragged me forward and it didn't look like they intended to stop anytime soon.  I turned around, Brendon's skin tone was blotchy and red - he'd obviously run back in a hurry.  His cigarette was now lit and its smoke was creating a fog that was enshrouding us.

"That's a dirty habit" I spat as I grabbed it from between his lips. He snatched the cig back and threw it on the floor, using his shoe he extinguished it.

"Be careful, you don't know how to handle them"

"Apparently you know how to handle me"

"I want to go somewhere quiet to talk,come on"

"No!" I squeaked as I tried to wiggle away from his grip, "You're ashamed to be seen with me and I wont stand for it"

Brendon leaned over and wiped the new set of tears from my cheek, "Don't push me I'm trying my best here"

"Well maybe your best isn't enough, I'm not strong enough to deal with this right now"

Brendon looked around nervously and then realised that the coast was clear, "Come on Ryan" He opened the cleaning cupboard door and gestured for me to walk in first, how romantic.

"You couldn't have picked a better place?"

"Do you wanna talk or not?"

"Fine" I crossed my arms again and pouted like the child I was.

★ Brendon★

Ryan was so cute when he pouted his lips, it hurt. 

"Don't do that" I said sternly, fighting back the urge to kiss them right here, right now. I couldn't look away, my anger, my passion, it was all mixing into the one giant mess that was me.

"Why not?" he teased, his tears were fading.

"Because" I stuttered, Ryan was so cute and I'd finally allowed myself to really look at another boy and I didn't want to look away.

"Anyway," Ryan said as he attempted to brush me off, "Did you come back to say something important?"

"I'm sorry okay Ry, I don't know what came over me" I shook my head, "That's not enough is it?"

"Not really Brendon, I'm sorry. What you did really hurt, but it made me realise you're not ready to open yourself up yet, don't force it, its not going to work"

"Can I fix it?"

"Take me out sometime"

I had to pause to think everything through.

"Hm the fact you had to pause shows you're not ready to be seen with me in public"

"Can we start off slow?"

"Brendon?Do you like me? I mean you don't even know me? You like Tyler its obvious, I don't wanna be second bes-"

I couldn't take it anymore. I took his chin into my palm and I raised him up to his tiptoes, our faces were somewhat parallel. I moved in quickly so that he couldn't question me, Ryan's lips crashed against mine, but it wasn't violent, he didn't fight against it. He mirrored my movement perfectly, he tasted so sweet. I moaned softly, Ryan must have found this humorous as he pulled away with a grin smothering his face.

"Am I the first boy you've kissed?" he sniggered as he wiped his lips.

"Was it okay?" I rubbed my back awkwardly and suddenly realised how small the cupboard was, there was no backing out now.

"Am I the first boy?"

I nodded lightly, it felt weird to be the inexperienced one.

"And yes it was okay, not the best one I've had but"

"Not the best?" I raised my eyebrow, "You mean you've kissed other boys?"

"My friends in England were pretty chill, they weren't homophobic dicks like you"

I pushed him gently, this time it was gently enough.

"Do you believe me that I'm sorry?"

"Mm partly"

"How can I make it up to you?"

"You can try that again" I'm sure I caught Ryan winking, god. Everything was happening so fast but I didn't care, I was fuelling myself from the adrenaline.

"I thought I didn't compare to the English boys?" I leaned over him and placed my hands on the wall behind him in attempt to get even closer, but somehow it wasn't close enough.

"Well they're not here anymore" I could see nervous beads of sweat starting to roll down his forehead, I smirked. I was back in control.

"Oh?" I said raising my pitch, "So I'm second best now"

Ryan leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek lightly, "Come on Bren lets go back to Eddy's room, I hate it in here, I feel so dirty"

"Dirty? You mean because of the mops and shit?"

"No, this feels so scandalous"

"Teen boys make out in a closet oooh" I teased, Ryan blushed.

"You made me!"

"You liked it"

"Whatever, come on. We need to keep an eye on your little crush Ty, I saw him wearing Josh's hoodie, its official, they're dating"

"Pfft why would I care?"

"You care so much Ty don't lie" Ryan placed his hand on my chest and looked up at me with those big fucking eyes of his, they wanted to swallow me whole and I didn't care. I wanted to be lost in them, I wanted them to take me away.

"Whatever , come on" I echoed. As I turned the door handle it fell off into my hand. Shit.

"Umm Ryan?"

"What is it now?"

I showed him the door handle.

"Fuck"

"What do we say when people find us in here????"

"I was thinking more like ARE PEOPLE GOING TO FIND US AT ALL BRENDON"