Take Me Home, Ground Control

Pronouns, Music, Passing

Hey frens

I'm going to start putting my day's pronouns in these chapters. If anyone has gender questions I can try to answer. Or any questions.

By the end of the day I might be in a band and four orchestras. Still trying to start a rock band too. Also playing 5 instruments, studying music theory, and writing music of several styles on several instruments. I'm going to feel the music and let it slowly become me. It's no use resisting this: I'm going to be a musician and put everything I have into music. I might take time off after high school before college to transition and be a street musician if I don't get accepted to a school for music. Or if I get accepted to a performance job or have a stable job in a band or writing music early I'll take that and skip college. Somehow I'll follow my ambitions. If I become an English teacher or something I'll still pursue music on the side.

Now passing. This can be a tough subject. This could be triggering for people with gender dysphoria. Stay safe. Don't read if it could trigger you.

TRIGGER WARNING

So I'm trans. For me personally, passing is a problem for me because I would like to express myself with masculinity. Which is hard for me because I'm AFAB. I have big boobs, no dick, and an extra 3.5-4 feet of hair. I'm not very tall. I'm considering becoming Sherlock and using the "good coat and a short friend" method to look taller because one of my best friends is really short and I would love a Sherlock coat. Anyways, back to the point, I live in hats because they hide my hair. I also always wear jeans and baggy T shirts because they hide my legs and cover my chest a little. It's hard to find anything that makes me look like a cis boy. I usually wear 2 sports bras and loose shirts but it doesn't do that much. It helps that I have broad shoulders from swimming but I have really wide hips and a pretty feminine form. I've tried to change my walk into something more masculine, but my body isn't built for it. It hurts my hips so I tend to just do the walk with my chest and face. When I stand or sit I tend to do the thing to take up space like standing with my feet wider apart or spreading my legs out when I sit, but ONLY if I'm certain that I won't be taking up anybody's possible space because I'm not a jerk. I like to present as masculine, but I'm not inconsiderate. My voice. Eww. Too high. Such a problem. I'm really insecure about my voice. It makes passing off as a guy hard. At this point I don't really care much what people judge my gender to be, but I want to be happy as myself. I wish people would use my pronouns at school. I gave a thank you note to an old teacher for being great with my pronouns because he was one of the few people who cared enough to try. My chest. Ughhhhhhh. I hate it. I want top surgery. Now. Eww. Or at least a binder please. I haven't shaved my legs since July and I don't shave my armpits. I'm not out at swimming yet so it's a little awkward but that's okay. Passing is even harder when my gender isn't male because not everybody understands nonbinary genders and even if someone asks my gender I'll probably say something like "idk man I'm not any gender atm wbu" or "50% manly 50% spite" or make some weird sound they wouldn't understand. How do I pass as a man when I want to wear something feminine? How do I present as no gender at all when I want to wear a suit? How do I genderflux? How do? *screeching noises*

Love ya,
Carter
He/him today
<3 ;