Take Me Home, Ground Control

Angstyyyyyy

Ughhhhh

MANY TRIGGERS
BIG TRIGGER WARNING
DON'T READ
STAY SAFE

I'm actually such an angsty person sometimes. I'm literally Holden Caulfield a lot of the time. Ughhhhh. It's time for some angry ranting now, you can skip this chapter if you don't want to hear it. I won't be offended. C:

So my family. Ughhhh. I could rant so much about how unfair my life is, like any angsty teenager.

And dysphoria. I have a friend who will probably be starting testosterone soon and another who has already met with a doctor about it and another who's starting reallllly soon. And someone else who started estrogen recently. I'm so incredibly happy for all of these people. They're brave and wonderful and I love them and I'm genuinely and sincerely so overjoyed about their progress in transitioning and opportunities to start HRT. The thing is, it also makes me feel kinda disappointed. All these people are making progress and they're transitioning so smoothly both socially and medically right now, and I've gone nowhere. I've been out at school for almost a year and a half and out to my parents for over a year. But my parents have forgotten or are ignoring it. And we aren't close enough that I can just bring it up easily. I still look like a cis girl and I hate it hate it hate it so much. I'm misgendered even by friends sometimes. It hurts so much to be going nowhere. And I still have so long to wait before an opportunity to move out and make decisions for myself. I have hair to down past my knees, still a pretty high voice, I'm short, and I have a very very feminine body. And not even an attractive body. Ughhhhh.

I'm kinda falling into hating myself again. Which sucks because I'm the most fabulous person I know.

Like my thighs. Eww. I'm fat and there's so many scars and stretch marks and ughhhhhh. I've lost a lot of muscle. I'm not flexible or graceful for a dancer. I'm not strong or attractive enough for a swimmer. I'm just a weird blob.

I'm stuck with my mistakes forever and I've been so triggered and I don't want to make more mistakes. There's already enough scars and I don't want to hurt anyone else because nobody really knows about my problems with self harm. But I miss the blood. Ughhhh. Why is there so much wrong with me. I'm such a failure.

And my anxiety. I have such a weird personality and my social skills aren't the best. I'm obsessive and clingy but cold and unattached to most people. Plus the weird sense of humor and self deprecating jokes don't really help with making friends. Aghh.

I've been trying so hard to pretend I'm okay that I almost forgot how much I've failed. And now I'm back. It hurts to put up the whole act.

I'm the opposite of what my family wants and believes in. I'm annoying and stubborn. I'm really struggling to find good in myself right now. I'm the opposite of what anyone accepts and approves of. Who would want a stubborn depressed trans satanist in their life? Especially one that's gonna be in poverty from chasing impossible dreams? Nobody. Ughhhhh.

I hate everyone. And myself. Mostly myself for hating everyone. Sorry if I push you away, I'm not not in a good mindset right now. Sorry, brother. I'm so sorry about this if you're reading this. You don't deserve this mess.

Take care of yourselves. Please. Don't be like me.

Love ya,
Carter
Whatever pronouns I don't even care
<3