Take Me Home, Ground Control

Life and Day of Silence 2017

Hi there!!!!

Sorry I didn't update for so long, wow! Can't believe I didn't post anything here for so long.

So I participated in the LGBT+ Day of Silence. It seems like a lot more people from school did it than last year and more people knew about it. Some people communicated with sign language with me when they realized I wasn't speaking. It was pretty cool. My GSA passed out buttons they made to people all around the school this week and they got ally and pride buttons out to students and staff so it was really cool to see so many people supporting us. I heard our band teacher took the vow of silence too, which is amazing. Everyone seemed to understand and think it was cool that we were participating. I'm so happy to live in this community.

Also, one of my friends(who came out as a trans guy a few months ago, I'm so proud!) invited me over to his house in a few weeks. He's really cool and his parents are doing their best to accept him and learn about trans people to help him transition so he might start HRT in a few months. His parents are going through a divorce so it's a little hard right now but he's awesome. And he's soooooo gay. He's the best.

Hmmmm. My girlfriend is still the bestest person ever. It's been almost 10 months and I'm so in love with her. Honestly, people assumed we were dating back when she had her first boyfriend. I'm not one to be mushy and talk about soulmates, but we are sooo meant to be together.

Uhmm, what else has happened? I found a great place for my band to have our first gig. We still haven't gotten together yet to talk about it or play together, but we ARE officially going to be a thing.  And there's a great little restaurant/bar that hosts local musicians every night. I've got enough songs for an album and an EP put together already, they just need some work and polishing up as I salvage them from different journals.

I'm almost failing science right now but that's because I procrastinate and my anxiety has been crazy.

Dysphoria is my big source of unhappiness right now. I've noticed that I can live pretty normally when I don't have to deal with being misgendered because of good friends. By that I mean my depression kind of fades into the background and it's not too bad. I'm genuinely happy sometimes. But then I get deadnamed or misgendered. Then I think about my voice or my body. Then I'm reminded by my body that it's not okay yet and it'll be a few years before I can legally change my name and start transitioning and I might graduate high school unhappily. It's always dysphoria that drags me down. I'm still pre-everything so I have to deal with all the stuff puberty decided to throw at me. Eww.

But I'm trying. I can see happiness in the future. Happiness is simple for me. I'll survive if I can't afford a college education and have to work minimum wage and live in a scrappy little apartment with roommates I barely know. I'll survive if I can only get a name change and some form of contraceptive to avoid Satan's Niagara Falls every month. I need a binder and a packer, which I'll get this year somehow. I only really need a roof above my head and some food to survive. I could survive on the streets if I had to, but it's not ideal. And I need my guitar. Life is crazy, but I believe I can make it. The next few years will be rough, but I'll make it. I could be a house spouse and stay at home dad maybe. I'll try to get a job this summer because I need to start saving up money as soon as possible. I want to start selling my art and publish my writing and get my music into the world. I need to start building up sources of income because I will need it later. Plus if I apply for enough scholarships, I could apply to an art school and tell them I've been selling art and music and writing and show that I'm already showing a potential for success. Once I do that, I can start advertising my works at school and put out that information when trying to book gigs and generally let people know about myself to put my face into the world as an emerging young artist. The sooner I do this, the better. I'm ambitious and I'm not letting go of my dreams. I don't care how unrealistic it sounds. I'm going to succeed, even if I have to wait until I'm 90 years old to gain anything.

Ooh guess who will submit something to an art museum soon for a contest to have it displayed? Me! It's a long shot, but I have to try.

Alsooooooo I'm doing a giant paper on Bayard Rustin. He's really cool and nobody I know has ever hear of him. He's a great influence and inspiration, look him up.

I got new watercolor supplies so I'm happy. I'm a simple person.

I want to go to a swing dance and a really gay dance soon but idk if I can.

My family isn't too happy about me being vegetarian, but they're dealing with it.

I'm super insecure without my hat and I realized it when I didn't have a hat at school for the first time all year. It turns out people don't actually care that much. I'm myself regardless of how I look and looking feminine doesn't change who I am on the inside.

I've been making more friends recently. It's getting easier to have conversations with people as I accept myself and move past thinking about what others think. I've gotten to know a lot of people and I'm actually building bonds with a lot of people by just talking to everyone.

I'm pretty sure I just failed a math test, but it'll be okay.

Life can be nice. Our lives are messy and flawed, but they can be beautiful.

Love ya,
Carter
He/they
<3 ;