Take Me Home, Ground Control

Gender Dysphoria

Hey y'all

Here's a more serious subject. Gender dysphoria. I'm going to get into raw emotions here. Please do not read this if it could possibly trigger you in any way.

TRIGGER WARNING

BIG TRIGGER WARNING

PLEASE DON'T RISK YOUR HEALTH

STAY SAFE

Okay, here goes. *takes deep breath*

Please please please don't read this if it could trigger you. Please.

I've been struggling a lot over the years with my gender. When I was little it was okay. I thought I was a girl. Then I was exposed to people who weren't girls and learned about gender. I assumed I was a boy like the rest. When puberty hit, it hit hard and early. I started getting a more feminine shape and I hated it. I started developing breasts which was so awkward. I started wearing bras 4 years after I should have needed to by most standards because it took me that long to accept that my chest was changing. It freaked me out a lot because I couldn't accept that my body wasn't the same as the boys I was friends with. It started breaking me. The rumors were spreading that I was a lesbian because I was masculine, friends with boys, wore flannels, and came across as every butch lesbian stereotype. Nothing wrong with that, but it wasn't me. I got my period and I hate it. So so so much. I wouldn't tell anyone or acknowledge it. I broke down in tears and tried to refuse to use pads for it because no this can't be happening nope I'm not a girl no way not happening this is so wrong on my god I'm dying why is this happening to me it's horrible. It was awful at the start. It still is. I get suicidal and relapse when I get my period. Most of my relapses are because of it. I hide and skip school. I cry. I throw up. I stop eating and I let myself fall apart again because of my periods. Every time someone comments on my body or misgendered me or makes a joke in poor taste I feel that again for the moment and it hurts. Everything hurts and oh no here I go again falling apart. My hair. My chest. My lower areas. My legs. My arms. My face. My stomach. My everything. It's so wrong. All of it. Even other trans people have accidentally misgendered me. It hurts. I look like a cis girl. I look like an outcast. People avoid me. I try so hard but I have nothing right with my body. My body is so so so wrong. Hormone replacement therapy and surgeries won't change my scars or a lot of things about my body. Tattoos and piercings won't put light behind my eyes or genuine happiness in my smile when I see my body. Therapy won't ever change the past and where I am right here and right now, even if it helps me accept things. I'm in a bad place emotionally and I'm struggling. I try to hold myself together but when I see any part of myself it crashes down. When I get a weird look or get misgendered, it's a tidal wave. Even the hands that reach out to me aren't enough, because even out of the water it's still cold and dark inside. I'm scared of myself. Sometimes the scars on the inside hurt so much and the seams tear again. Trying to explain what my gender is terrifies me. I try to be brave and true to my heart, but I don't always have it in me and it's shameful. I want to be loud and proud and tell everyone who will listen that I'm a teenage boyflux metalhead who's going to do everything they can to spread information and to sing about gender and finding an identity. I want to scream to the world that I'm okay and feel great being my gender. The problem is that I'm anxious and I hurt. I feel sad, which is part of life, but it takes over my life because I feel wrong. So wrong. People misgender me all the time. If I'm in public people call me "miss" and "young lady" and whatever. I cringe. Pretty sure it's visible. Only once and and a maybe accidental time have I been sort of gendered correctly. A lady saw me and my friend and was advertising stuff and said "hey ladies" then stuttered awkwardly and said "hey guys." The good time was when another friend (cis boy) and I helped an old lady carry her things to her car and she said "thank you boys" and that felt really nice. Like I was wearing a loose flannel with a beanie and jeans and I guess my attempt at a lower voice was okay enough to roughly be seen as a boy by an old person that day because that's what she thought. No other time. It's been years and only then. I'm so feminine both in body and in mannerisms/personality. Every time I say or do any little thing that could be seen as feminine I feel awful because I don't want to be seen like that. Do I control dysphoria or does dysphoria control me? It's too much sometimes. I get anxious about existing. I pretend not to hear when people use the wrong name or pronouns. It hurts. I hate this.

Dysphoria hurts, and I hope someday it gets easier. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity, I just needed to get all of this out. Maybe HRT and surgeries will help. Maybe a haircut will help. I honestly don't know.

I love y'all so much. You're great.

Carter
He/him pronouns
<3 ;