Oneshot Book Of Amazingness

When I Realized... (Killugon)

(Play song)

When I realized you cared, I was shocked. All my life I was told I was a killer. A heartless assassin. No one should care for me. But you did. You showed me that I was worth it. I couldn't believe that you risked your own life, just to save me from my family.

When I realized I was your friend, I was happy. I knew I didn't deserve to be your friend, but I was selfish. You didn't seem to mind. You were always there for me, so I decided to always be there for you. I swore I would never leave you.

When I realized that you made me smile, I was surprised. I never had any reason to smile, but you taught me to smile even in the darkest moments. I smile, when you smile.

When I realized that I cared, was when you injured yourself. I called you a baka, but that was my way of saying I cared. I never knew how to say it, but you seemed to understand. I don't know how you put up with me for two years. I never would have been able to, but I'm glad you did.

When I realized you were my world, was when you were close to finding your dad. I felt jealousy for the first time. I didn't want you to find your dad. Then what would happen? What would we do? Would you leave me? Would you abandon me? I was relieved that we found Kite instead, and I hated myself for it.

When I realized I needed you, was when Neferpitou nearly killed us. I couldn't stand the thought of you dying and leaving me, so I did what I do best. I ran.

When I realized I would do anything for you, was when you demanded to take on Pitou by yourself. I never should have let you do it. I should had stayed by your side, like I swore I would do.

When I realized that I wasn't alone, was when I met Ikalgo. I used what you taught me, and made a new friend. I was never more grateful in my entire life.

When I realized that I hated myself, was when I was running from Illumi with Alluka. I felt worthless and powerless. I had abandoned Alluka, and was letting you die. Your words stuck with me during that time, and only Alluka kept me going. I wish, I had just died though.

When I realized, that I was depressed, was when I cut myself a year after we separated. It felt so nice... the pain of my worst dreams coming true concealed by the cut. I made more you know. I wanted the feelings to go away. I went overboard, and scared Alluka. She and Nanika saved me. But I never stopped. I couldn't stop. It felt to good.

When I realized I loved, was when we met up again five years later. You had fiance. She was a lovely girl. Sweet and kind. I wanted to hate her, but couldn't. Alluka liked her, Leorio liked her, even Kurapika liked her. When you both asked for my blessing, I gave it to you. I never could say no to you.

When I realized my love for you would turn into heartbreak, was during your marriage. You looked so happy... So did your new wife. I felt like I was going to faint. I felt sick. I felt jealous, depressed and heartbreak.

When I realized that Illumi was right, I was devastated. He had been right all along. After all... he only wanted what was best for me right...? But I couldn't return to assassination. Not now, not ever. I was broken. Wandering the world, hoping for something... anything!

When I realized, that no one actually cared, was when none of you looked for me. Not even Alluka. No one wanted me around. After that realization, my depression got worst. Every day I cut. All over my body. Crimson red stained my existence... I just wanted to die!

When I realized, that I had no purpose in life... was when I finally hung. I decided on the Big Tree... it was where I was once happiest. I stepped over the ledge.... no more pain... no more sadness... finally... peace.

Note:
Holy crap this was depressing. And holy shit am I bad at writing angst. XD Sorry for this piece of shit. Anyways, I guess it's kinda Killugon? Maybe? And wow! This is the second time I've killed one of my husbandos. I'm so evil aren't I? Anyways, I would appreciate feedback on how I did. I want to improve on writing angst, cause I love writing it. I've even made myself cry once by thinking of such a depressing back story for an oc of mine. Yeah, I'm pretty pathetic. Okay, I'll shut up now... XD

P.s It's in Killua's pov if you couldn't tell.
P.p.s sing is Realize by Colbie Caillat.