Autumn

38: What Winston said

"You're being a bloody idiot."

"Fuck off."

Winston ignored Theodore and dropped down on the bed beside him. He nudged him underneath the blankets. There was absolutely no response so Winston punched his shoulder. Theodore remained motionless.

"I'm not gonna let you lose her like this."

"She's moving. I've already lost her."

Winston groaned. "Long distance is a thing, you know? I heard it makes the heart grow fonder."

"Just fuck off, mate, all right?"

Theodore knew it was over between them on the night of the party. The secret looks between her and her mother, the solemn stare engraved on her father's face. The way she cried later that evening like the world was coming to an end.

Like the stars were falling from the heavens.

"You are not letting her go. I fucking gave up smoking for you!" Winston was getting angsty, his voice rising. He sounded panicked and flustered. Theodore could feel his bed moving from Winston's jittering. 

Theodore poked his head out from under the covers and sighed. Winston looked at him with terrified eyes, creases lining his forehead.

"Dude..."

"Don't 'dude' me. Fuck, Theodore. Autumn is one of the best things that's ever happened to you. She's one of the best things that's happened to me."

"I don't see why we should keep trying," Theodore said, looking out his window. 

He thought he was brave enough to talk about it, but he obviously wasn't. His voice cracked saying those eight words and tears threatened to spill. Looking at Winston would only make it worse so he kept his gaze straight ahead, looking at the structure of the neighbouring house. 

"We're both going to finish school in a few months and then what? Whether we graduated in the same town or not, she would have left. You think a girl like Autumn would stay in a shitty little place like this? It's too small for someone with such big dreams and talent and passion. She's too beautiful and full of life and that needs to be appreciated. I'm just some average kid doing his best, you know? I'm going to live a generic as fuck life. Have kids and a mortgage and a job that goes from nine to five. I can't give Autumn anything more in life. I'm just holding her back."

Winston remained silent for a few moments. Then he said, "But you want to. You want to give her more in life."

Theodore sat up from his bed and buried his face in his hands. He pressed his palms against his eyes as if it would block the tears from falling. "Of course I do. I want to give her the moon and the stars and the world and galaxies. I want to give her more than she can imagine. But I can't, all right? I can't."

"You can." Winston shot up from the side of the bed and began pacing. He looked distressed as he moved from one side of the room to the other. Eventually he paused in front of Theodore and stared at him. His knuckles found his way into his mouth and he bit down as if trying to contain something. 

"Why do you care so much about it anyways?" Theodore asked.

"Because you two are my best friends! You're the only two people in my life who gave a fucking damn. If I go out in the middle of the night, my mum's too drunk off her ass to even notice. But you make me call every time I get home to make sure I'm okay. And Autumn reminds me she loves me so I don't fuck up and do something stupid." Winston was crying at this point. He ducked his head, choked sobs escaping his lips. 

"Winston..."

"She's in love with you, Theodore, you dense piece of shit."

Theodore was frozen. "What did you just say?"

"Autumn is in love with you."

Theodore knew exactly what it felt like to be in love.

But this was the first time he knew what it was like having someone in love with him. 

"Why didn't she tell me?"

"Because you shut her out before she was able to," Winston said, wiping his eyes. He took a deep breath to stop the hiccups between his sobs. 

Theodore didn't say anything.

He remembered the night where she tried telling him she loved him.

"She didn't tell you because she was afraid. Shit, Theodore, being in love is one fucking hell of a feeling. It's terrifying. And what scared her most was that if you had said you loved her back, then she would have done everything to stay."

Theodore didn't realise he had laid back down. He was staring up at the ceiling, thoughts never ending.

"You wanted to give her the world, but, dude, she already had it. And she was willing to give it up for you: her home."

***

You can now pre-order the Confessions About Colton audiobook and listen to a sample on Downpour, so it'd mean the world to me if you checked it out! I also uploaded a new chapter of Please Do Not Disturb on my main profile so that's available to read if you're interested. Love you all!