Snack Food Hero

Chapter 3: Mad World

Bash's eyes opened to a new day and he wasn't sure where he was until he saw Buddha sleeping on the floor beside him. He looked down to find himself holding a package of Creamys close to his chest like a baby. Unsure of where they came from, he gently caressed them with his thumb. Then he kissed them and held them right up to his eyes, staring at their glistening pink spongy bodies, and didn't even realize he was drooling.

Finally he got up from the floor. In the bathroom he saw the door to the towel closet ajar and towels on the floor. Suddenly he remembered his secret Creamys hiding spot behind the towels. This was good and bad because now he knew where those Creamys came from, but he also knew they really were the last Creamys of his life. He realized he must have been so excited to find them last night that he blacked out.

The realization that last night was real washed over him and made him feel nauseous. Bash grabbed his hair while urinating and held two fists full of hair while staring into his dirty toilet. "I can't freaking believe this," he whispered to the room. "Have they no conscience?"

Maria Bartiromo on CNBC's Squawk Box explained to the nation, which Bash found felt the same desperation as him in this time of crisis, that Creamy Mimis were taken off shelves across the country overnight due to outrage sparked by a new documentary. It was going viral on YouTube and said the cream inside Creamy Mimis (the best part, as far as Bash was concerned) was the most unhealthy and useless food product on the planet.

"BLASPHEMY!" Bash jumped out of his recliner and pointed and yelled at the TV. Maria kept on reporting, unphased as usual by his outbursts.

He sat down and looked at Buddha, whose head was raised. "It's ok," He told Buddha. Bash picked up the Creamys and unwrapped them. He took a bite and closed his eyes. Concentrating on his mouth, he maneuvered the Creamy into place and then pushed his tongue into the long spongy body and penetrated its creamy treasure so it coated his salivating tongue.

The guy at Walmart flashed into his mind: "I don't think those things are safe, man." Bash banished the memory into nothingness and continued enjoying his favorite snack.

That's when he heard all the noise outside, a cross between human babies and wild cats. "Stupid kids," he said. He put the last bit of the Creamy Mimi on an end-table and swung his balcony door open.

Four floors down he saw children he didn't recognize. It was no good to have the last moments of the last Creamy ruined by the shrieks of these little people.

"Hey!" he yelled. Buddha stood next to him but the dog just wagged her tail, always excited to see other living creatures.

The group looked up at Bash.

He asked them, "Do you live here?"

"Huh?"

"Do you live in these apartments?"

One kid said, "No!"

Another said, "Are you a cop?"

"I'm a veteran!"

"What? What is that?"

"It means I fought for your freedom, now get out of here!"

"It's a free country!"

"Yea," Bash said, "you're welcome, now beat it!"

"But that doesn't make sense," a kid yelled, but was quickly pulled away by a friend who said, "Come on, that dude's crazy."

"I'm not crazy!"

Just as the kids left his view the last one hollered, "Crazy head!"

Bash went back inside his apartment. Plopped down in his recliner, he reached for his very, very last Creamy Mimi but all he felt his hand grab was an empty wrapper. He opened his hand and said, "Oh my God."

Bash's eyes wandered over to Buddha. "I walk away for one second and YOU EAT MY LAST CREAMY?! UGH! What do you think this will do to our relationship, Buddha?"

Buddha looked at him and then started cleaning herself. 

"You have no shame."

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