Bash Mendez must save his favorite snack food from getting ruined by being turned into a gluten-free, sugarless, tasteless, and ultimately useless food by the nation's most zealous health nuts.
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When Bash Mendez realizes...
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Bash held Buddha's leash while she sniffed the grass around the apartment complex. The grass was green but there were little dog turds scattered around. He walked past a doggy bag dispenser and saw it was empty.
He looked to the sky and trees and tried to block out the fact that he just lost his job. Calmness and a lack of distractions would help clear his mind.
His clear mind was suddenly crowded by music thumping in a vehicle he couldn't see, but was getting closer. Around the corner of an apartment building an old blue Ford appeared with a black P.O.W. flag standing up in the back and rap music blaring. It swung into a parking space right beside where Bash stood on the sidewalk.
Bash knew he should continue walking Buddha, but instead he stood there with a puzzled look on his face. A man got out of the truck and looked at Bash, who was staring at the truck.
The man, bald and wearing auburn sunglasses, asked, "You alright?"
Bash realized how often people asked him this question while he was staring at something he did not want to see.
Bash half-pointed at the truck. "The lines," he said. "Your truck."
"Yea?" The man laughed and looked at his truck and the white parking lines. "It's between the lines. Are you a security guard?"
Bash straightened up and said, "Yes". He thought about what he'd just said. "But don't worry about it. Just, maybe next time—"
"Yea, alright," said the man. "No problem, no problem."
Further on down the sidewalk, Bash stopped and looked at a car that was parked in two parking spaces so the line between them was under the middle of the car. "Good grief," he said aloud. "That's so blatant."
He watched cars drive in and out of the complex. "Buddha... there's no gate. Anyone can just drive in here. Like bad guys."
Just then a yellow van near him began shaking. He looked at it as if it was possessed. "Hey," he said to Buddha, who looked at him like, "Yea?"
"You're so much like Scooby Doo."
Buddha started sniffing around the van's engine and watching it rock.
"Wonder what's in there," said Bash. The van's passenger wheels were parked right along the white line, leaving little room for the car beside it to open their doors.
Disgusted by everything about this van, Bash began unconsciously pretending to be the apartment security guard. He walked around to the back of the van and used both hands to peer into the back window.
Suddenly he heard something banging around in there and then someone hollered, "HEY DUDE!"
Bash nearly peed himself. The blood drained from his face. He looked around the side of the van to see a large hairy guy staring him down in the side mirror.
"Oh," said Bash. Good, good, no I thought, I thought maybe there was a dog being held in there ... or like a person, tied up, like for sale."
"No dude, that's crazy."
"Well hey," said Bash, "while I'm talking to you, did you notice how you parked?"
"Who are you, Pal? You the parking Nazi here?"
"That's just not how you park," said Bash.
"I parked this way, didn't I? So how ain't it?"
"No, I mean—" Bash stammered when he saw an emaciated woman with big red hair climb across the guy's lap and stick her head out the window.
She said, "Tell us what you mean, Parking Nazi!" Then she cackled and the big guy joined her with a deep laugh.
"I gotta walk my dog," said Bash as he walked away.
The guy said, "Yea, go walk your dog, Dog Walker."
"Nazi dog!" The woman shrieked at Buddha.
Bash swung around and surprised himself: "Don't diss my dog!"
At this, the two in the van nearly lost their minds in a fit of laughter.
"Don't diss his dog, Babe!" The man yelled between laughs.
Bash continued walking and muttered, "Dog bashers".
He really wanted to do more about it, but since he wasn't really the security guard, he had no authority. He knew he could never win a fight against that guy, so authority was what he needed.
Authority was control, and over the last two days he had lost control of his whole life. "This can't continue," he said to Buddha.
Later, in a kitchen cupboard he found a box of sugar cubes and ate each of them while watching Futurama.
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