Secret Love Story #wattys2017 (COMPLETED)

Been Three Weeks

Kajol-2008

"Did I wake you?" Shah Rukh mumbles from the doorway leaning casually against the door frame of the hospital room. I shake my head sitting up in the hospital bed. I haven't been sleeping well for the past three weeks. I think it's because I'm worried about our baby. The doctors keep insisting that our baby will be okay, that a lot of people who give birth at six months have babies who survive but I'm paranoid. I've done so much shit towards Shah Rukh...
"Have you been down to see him yet?" Shah Rukh asks awkwardly. I just stare at him. He looks so handsome today in a pair of chinos and a tight white top. I haven't seen those cute dimples for ages and I know it's all my fault. I nod my head. I have been to see our son every day for the past three weeks. Looking at him with the lights around him, the little eye mask and all the tubes coming from him makes me feel physically sick. I pray for him every day, pray that he'll be okay and just last until the next day.
"If you want I can go?" Shah Rukh rubs the back of his head looking down the corridor. For some reason looking at him standing awkwardly half way between being fully in my hospital room and half way to being completely separated from me makes me feel sad. A sadness that's not to do with my dad or with Aman or with the premature birth of our son... No it's all to do with Shah Rukh and how sad I feel for hurting him again. I can feel tears pricking my eyes and I don't want Shah Rukh to leave. I slide down the bed rolling onto my side so I'm facing him, patting the space beside me encouraging Shah Rukh to sit beside me. His mouth parts slightly in confusion and shock before he shuffles across the room towards me. I'm just craving his touch right now. Shah Rukh slips his shoes off before sitting on the bed and swinging his legs up so he can lie down. He turns onto his side and looks at me. I feel my hand subconscious slip up his chest and over his neck before my hand rests in his hair at the back of his head. Right now I can see all the sadness in Shah Rukh's eyes, all caused by me.
"I'm so sorry you know," I mumble trying to gulp back my tears. Shah Rukh shakes his head a sad smile tugging at his lips as his hand snakes over my waist squeezing my hip.
"It's not your fault," he mumbles and that just tells me all I need to know. Although I've told him 'I hate him', I want a divorce, I didn't want our baby... He still loves me, he still doesn't blame me for my harsh words or actions.
"I don't hate you really," I sob leaning my head down so Shah Rukh can't see my tears slowly slipping from my closed eyes.
"I love you, I don't care whether you hate me or not that's never going to change," Shah Rukh chuckles as I feel his forehead touch mine. That tingling sensation, that electricity, that love is just so evident. I slide my body closer to his feeling the love emanating from his body.
"I want to tell you, honestly I do," I sigh just wishing I could tell Shah Rukh how much I truly love him but feeling the words blocked in my throat by some strange force. Shah Rukh shrugs. I love the fact he doesn't mind that I can't tell him how much I love him. It's like my presence around him and the fact that I would give up my life to make him happy and he doesn't require anymore from me.
"How's Aryan?" I mumble hoping he is more resilient that I think. I want Aryan to be unaffected by these past few months. I want him to know that there is going to be no difference in the way we lived before my dad's death and after. I still love Shah Rukh and I don't want to divorce him and I'm definitely not going to tear our family apart.
"He's here," Shah Rukh leans back and I look at him.
"Can I see him?" I ask feeling more tears stinging the back of my eyes. Shah Rukh nods his head, swinging his legs off the bed causing me to remove my hand from his neck. He pads out of the room and down the corridor. I've been such a bad mother towards Aryan for the past months. I've tried to pretend everything is fine when it blatantly wasn't and I know he knows there is something more than the death of his grampy going on. I just had so much self-loathing for myself, for Shah Rukh, for my dad for leaving. I acted as though I wasn't hurting around Aryan, I plastered on a smile and pretended like my life depended on it but I knew it would slip and it had. I had shouted at Aryan for something so small and petty! All he had wanted was a cookie and I just flipped out on him and since then I know he knows there is something wrong. I've just become such a shit mum, a shit wife, a shit sister, a shit daughter, a shit person!
"Ammi?" I look up and see Aryan reaching out for me from Shah Rukh's arms and I smile sadly. I reach out for him as he manages to wriggle out of Shah Rukh's grasp and crawl up the bed towards me. He buries his head in my neck as I feel his podgy arms around my neck pulling me close to him. I pull him into a hug and smile into his hair. I've missed being close with Aryan, he is the spitting image of Shah Rukh and reminds me of all the hardship we went through to be where we are now.
"I'm sorry I've been a bad mum lately," I mumble into Aryan's hair feeling a tear slip from my eye and roll down my cheek.
"Nahin ammi," Aryan replies squeezing me more to show me he loves me.
"I promise you things are going to get better," I whisper pulling back so Aryan can look at me. He pulls his lips down into a frown before using one of his hands to wipe my tear.
"No crying ammi," he mumbles and I smile at him.
"No crying," I hug him again looking at Shah Rukh who is smiling encouragingly from the other side of the room. I gesture for him to join us and he does immediately. He wraps his arms around me and Aryan kissing my cheek.
"Shall we go and see your baby brother?" Shah Rukh asks Aryan who nods his head enthusiastically. He clambers off the bed and runs to the doorway. Shah Rukh and I follow slowly and I feel my hand reach for his, our fingers tangling together.
"Maybe we should name him today?" I mutter feeling embarrassed and disappointed that we didn't name our son but things have just been so up in the air and confusing. I wasn't even sure I wanted to keep him but looking at Shah Rukh and Aryan have just made me realise how much I want this family to work. Shah Rukh smiles at me and nods his head.
"Remember..." Shah Rukh whispers bending down to my ear, "hameshaa."