Secret Love Story #wattys2017 (COMPLETED)

D... What?

Shah Rukh Khan-2008

It's been two months since we cremated Shomu which means it's been two months since Kajol told me she hates me. I've not been able to speak to her about the whole situation which is really frustrating me. She's always busy with Aryan or Tanuja or Tanishaa or Aishwarya. Kajol is good at blanking the hard stuff out. Whenever Aryan is around she is so bubbly and happy then Aryan goes to bed and it's like someone has turned a switch off. She becomes withdrawn and moody. Whenever I try to talk to her she just shrugs it off like it's not important, like we are not important. It kills me a little in side each time she pretends not to have heard me speak to her. I know for a fact she waits for me to fall asleep before coming to bed and wakes up early so she doesn't have to face me. I spoke to Shehnaz about the fractions in our marriage and she just told me to think back to when our parents died and how distraught I was. The thing is at least I accepted help, Kajol just keeps refusing it. So Shehnaz suggested Aryan stay with her for the night so Kajol and I can be alone so we can talk. The only problem is I'm worried that if we talk we'll end up shouting and that's not good for the baby. I mean Kajol is only six months pregnant and undue stress can be harmful. I agree anyway. Maybe tonight things will be different between us? But I'm not holding my breath.

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"Where's Aryan?" Kajol mumbles walking out of our bedroom keeping her eyes trained on the floor. It's like Aryan is her comfort blanket and whenever he's not around she feels insecure around me.
"At my sisters," I reply sliding up the sofa to make room for Kajol but she just walks into the kitchen area aimlessly.
"I thought we could talk?" I suggest watching her running some water into a glass. I can see her subconsciously tense up at the thought of actually having to speak to me. I just don't know where things went so wrong?
"Kajol I know you miss you dad..." I begin but then Kajol clenches her glass making her knuckles go white. I don't exactly know what I said wrong in that sentence! She does miss her dad because sometimes I hear her crying at night and I don't know what to do to comfort her.
"You have no idea!" She suddenly shouts slamming the glass on the worktop. I'm taken aback by her outburst. I lost my dad too... Yes I know it's not going to be the same because we are different people with different coping mechanisms but at least I sort of understand what it feels like to lose someone you love. I lost both my parents.
"Kajol?" I barely breathe trying to get my head around exactly what I've done? I'm just so confused all the time now and I hate it. I don't feel comfortable in my own home sometimes.
"No Shah Rukh. You had time with your father, a lot of time. I've spent ten years with my father hating me, hating you, hating us. It's only the last couple of months he's accepted me again," she yells waving her hands all over the place. Her voice is dripping in anger, frustration and pain. I just want to hug her and hold her until she doesn't hurt anymore but I don't know what she's getting at? Does she blame herself for her father's death?
"Kajol you spent the last couple of months with him a lot making up for lost time, he knows how much you love him," I mumble getting off the sofa and slowly walking towards the kitchen. I stop a few feet away from Kajol as she twists her wedding ring around her finger staring at me with what seems to be hate in her eyes.
"I should never have let you back into my life," Kajol suddenly mutters turning her back to me. I feel my eyebrows furrow and my lips drop into a frown.
"Why?" The question pops out before I have time to fully formulate it making me feel nervous.
"I hate you so much Shah Rukh," Kajol exclaims turning to face me, "I've tried. I've really tried. I've tried to block out all this pain but when I look at you I just loathe you so much." I stare at her as tear sting her eyes. I gulp down praying my own tear ducts not to let a flood loose. I want to be strong for Kajol, show her I love her, I listen to her, I am here for her. I just need to understand where she is coming from. I just need her to calm down and explain. I just need her.
"Why? Why do you hate me?" I ask desperately trying to understand what's going through her head. Maybe I've done something I just can't remember?
"Because it's your fault my father hated me! If it wasn't for you maybe this wouldn't have happened? I can't believe I just let you waltz back into my life and I just turned a blind eye to everything. I managed to convince myself that my father would be fine with it but it took ten years. Ten years of heartache and pain and sadness. Ten years I could have been spending with my father creating good memories not bad ones." Kajol yells getting visually exasperated. I feel my whole body deflate. In my head I had always wondered whether she would blame me for something to do with the lack of contact between her family. I had told myself, no convinced myself, that she loved me too much to blame me. Obviously I was wrong.
"But I told you time and time again to be with your family, to stay with them, to give me up but you insisted you love me," I stutter wanting nothing more than to wake up from this nightmare.
"You are intoxicating!" She screams, "it was like I couldn't live without you but now! Now I can't live with you." She twists her ring on her finger pulling it off before throwing it at me. I watch it bounce off my chest onto the floor before spinning to a complete stop. I stare at it. What does she mean?
"I want a divorce!" She cries and I look up at her. She has tears streaming down her cheeks as she tries to wipe them away furiously not wanting to give in to the more vulnerable side of her. I feel myself subconsciously moving towards her to envelope in my embrace but she steps away her face turning into complete disgust.
"D... What?" I stammer feeling my whole world slowly crumbling around me. I feel like I've just been papering over the crack but now the paper won't hold the walls up much longer and I don't know what to do.
"I can't do this anymore," Kajol shouts, "I don't want to be pregnant anymore, I don't want to be married anymore, I don't want this life anymore!" The thoughts running around my head make me feel sick. I missed all the signs. The avoidance, the no eye contact, the fact she preferred to be with other people. Maybe if I'd caught it earlier?
"But I love you so much Kajol," I try to win her over knowing deep down that it's too late. Kajol shakes her head furiously physically heaving with the force of her sobs.
"Go! Leave! Just please go! Leave! I don't want you here!" Kajol screams storming past me and into the bedroom slamming the door shut behind her. That's when the tears start to fall. Silent tears down my cheeks as I bend down and retrieve Kajol's ring from the floor slipping it into the pocket of my jeans. It seems Tanuja was right. Kajol is taking her fathers death worse than expected and she was trying to be strong but now she's cracking and she's insisting that she doesn't want me here anymore. I stand up and lean against the kitchen worktop reaching for the glass before throwing it across the room smashing it into the TV screen. I open my mouth to yell, shout, curse but no words come out. Kajol has managed to make me speechless. She wants a divorce, she wants to be rid of our unborn child, she wants to be alone. I stand contemplating my next move the tears still slowly falling when I hear the sound of smashing glass from the bedroom. I rush forwards flinging the door open to be faced by Kajol kneeling on the floor clutching her stomach her eyes squeezed tightly shut. I rush over to her wrapping my arms around her pulling her away from the smashed lamp even though she tries to fight it.
"Kajol?" I whisper holding her against me reaching for the phone.
"It hurts so much," she mumbles back all fight slowly seeping out of her as I dial an ambulance, "I think the baby's coming." The panic in her voice breaks me. If she thinks I'm going to leave her she has another thing coming!