Chasing Lyric.

Christmas Miracle. Pt 2

Lyric

Here I am, three years later..

Back in the Big Apple..

Standing at my kitchen sink, staring out the window as I watched the individual snowflakes fall to the ground.

Deep thinking..

That's what I've been doing lately.

For the past two years my life has crumbled into my hands. I lost everything, Rayan, my heart, and my sanity. I know it's not good to be the way I was when you want to be professional but I couldn't help it. He, did this to me. He, took my life away when he left.

I know you're confused and puzzled right now, I know it may seem like after I moved with Jaden I was happy. I was.. at first, but after a month or two I started to go into the stage of depression. I'd walk around the house like a zombie, I wouldn't get dressed, I wouldn't even do my hair which was slowly shedding due to majority of stress that I put upon myself. I hadn't touched Jaden since.. I couldn't bring myself to do so, I thought it was fake and wrong to try to get comfy and lovey with him when all I could think about is Rayan. Jaden has been longing for my touch for those two months and two months became four months and four months turned into 6 months and so on. I honestly can't believe that he's still with me, we almost broke up a couple of times though. We always had an argument or we wouldn't even talk to each other most of the time, maybe a "Good morning" or a "Hey, how are you?" every now and then but our relationship has been through so many ups and downs, I wouldn't be surprised if he's cheated on me a couple of times. I don't worry about it though, it's not like we have sex, i'm still a virgin and I plan to keep it that way. I know everyone's like "But don't you love Jaden, aren't you guys in love?" I do love Jaden, with all of my heart I do, but I made a vow to myself and I promised not to ever break it no matter how tempting it is.

After the first year, everything took a turn for the worst. I became so depressed I would drink every day, I'd roll up a blunt every now and then and I would sulk in my misery. I would cry and pray to God that I would get better soon. I'd cry and talk to my Abuelita, hoping and praying that she could hear me and give me answers but nothing. Nothing always came. I'd pace my room back and forth, telling myself that i'll do better, that i'll get well, i'll clean up and everything would be okay, but it never happens. The only time I would leave out of the room is to get more alcohol or to take a shower, and silently pray that the water would just swallow me up and drown me forever, but I always come out alive. I'd go back to the room and put sweats on with a big t-shirt and drink. I'd wake up and do it all over again, and I always think, "Why has no one come to save me yet, why is no one preventing me from heartache?" Jaden was there, but he wasn't fully there. He would sometimes come to check up on me and then leave for hours. He couldn't even look at me anymore, he couldn't stand the sight of me, I turned into a ugly beast. That hurt me even more, my own boyfriend couldn't even look me in the eye anymore and it threw me over the edge, it broke me. Then I looked over at my dresser and I saw a picture of me and my friends, including Rayan. Rayan's face triggered me. Once I saw his face, I went out in full rampage. I threw the picture at the wall and watched as it shattered into a million pieces. I put my hands over my ears and started screaming and crying. I walked up to my dresser and pushed everything off of it, I did the same thing with the tv, I kicked it in and pushed it on the ground, I grabbed the sheets off the bed and threw them to the floor as well. I grabbed the bottle and drank from it, stumbling over everything as I threw the bottle on the ground and it spilled everywhere. I started to cry again and then I chuckled at myself, I really believe at that point that I was psychotic. That's when I had a brilliant plan, I went into the bathroom and found a razor, I took the blade out and held it up to my face as I examined it. I took a seat on the floor and put the blade up to my arm. It was cold to my skin and made me shiver, I smiled as I started to cut and think about everything's that happened to me in my life. I started to laugh as I felt the trickle of blood come from my arm. I started to cut deeper. I made a line going down and made another line intertwine with the other one. A cross. I stopped cutting myself as I watched the cross bleed and it reminded me of when God gave his life to us. I started crying and my vision became blurry, I started to feel dizzy and then everything blacked out.