There and Back Again {On Hold}

four years clean.

Karkat's POV: **trigger warning: self harm**

I woke up feeling a bit groggy. I opened my eyes and looked around, this wasn't my room..wait...it looks like Dave's room. Then I remembered what happened. I looked down and saw I was wearing Dave's shirt. I lightly blushed. I brought my knees to my chest, reliving the horrible events that happened a few hours ago.

I looked out the window and the storm had resided to a small drizzle. I could see it getting darker.
I looked around the room and realized I was alone. Where's dave?

I got out of the bed and walked out, I headed down the stairs whipping the sleepiness from my brown eyes.

I approached the kitchen where I could hear Dave's voice faintly.

"No..no its fine. He can stay here tonight."
"He'll be fine trust me. Yes of course."
"Mr Egbert I assure you he will be fine here."
"Alright bye."

It sounded like he was on the phone. I didn't wanna bother him so I made my way to the living room and sat down on the couch. I checked my phone to see multiple messages from jade and john. Rose only messaged me once.

"Well lookie here. The princess is awake!"
I turned my head and saw dave standing there in the doorway.
He didn't have his shades on.

"H-hey.." I mumbled.
He came over and pecked my cheek. I felt my face grow hotter by the second. He chuckled.
"You feel better?" He asked me.
"O-oh...um..kinda..." I mumbled.

Just then there was a small ping that came from his phone.
He looked at it.
His face dropped.
"Um..that was john...he said mr Egbert wants you home..." He mumbled.
"O-oh.."

"I'll ask roxy about your clothes..." He got up and went to a different room.

I sat quietly on the counch until he returned with my clothes folded neatly.

"T-thanks..." I grabbed the clothes from his hands and trudged my way to the bathroom.

I put my clothes back on and walked back into the living room. Dave was waiting by the door now with his shades on.
"You ready hot stuff?"
A light blush dusted my face.
"Y-yeah.."

He slipped his hand into mine and we walked through the door.
I really didn't wanna go back home...I didn't want to explain myself to john or mr Egbert.

We walked in silence until I broke it.
"I..um..I'm sorry for throwing a fit and running off." I said quietly.
Dave stopped.
"Dave?" I questioned.
"Karkat...I told you that I forgive you...I was my fault." He mumbled.
I didn't say anything and we began walking again.

Neither of us said a word the rest of the walk, which was about twenty minutes.
It was almost awkward.
I wanted to say something else but I knew I would just ruin it.

I ruin everything...

Just then I felt another wave of depression wash over me.
I felt sick.
I felt like I didn't belong here.
Dave deserves more then me.
I'm just a huge mess.
A huge burden.
Hes probably only going out with me cause he feels bad for me.
I felt hot tears come to my eyes but forced myself not to cry.

We had gotten to my house and when we walked in, john just stared at me from the couch and mr Egbert was gazing at me from the kitchen doorway.

I couldn't take their gazes anymore, I darted upstairs and slammed my door shut.

Now I let the tears flow down my face. Today is fucked up.

I took a good hard look at my desk in the corner.
No...I couldn't do that...
I stopped years ago.
I can't do that anymore.

Before I knew it, I was towering over my desk.

Don't do it.

I opened the desk drawer without thinking and reached for it.

I can't.

I stared at the small razor blade in my hand.

You promised sollux you would stop.

I felt the tears just pour down my face.

Sollux doesn't care. You haven't seem him in years.
You don't matter to him anymore. He can't stop you.

I let these thoughts flow through my mind as I let the razor sink deeper into my pale skin.

No one cares. Cut.

Dave is just pitying you. Another cut.

You only stay with the Egbert's because it too late to Go back. Another one.

Jade doesn't love you anymore. Two more.

Rose is just there for the ride. Two.

Sollux and terezi are gone for good. Three more.

You killed your brother. One really deep one.

A wave of relive washes over me.
They sting...but its better then feeling like this.
I sit there and marvel at the ten new cuts I had made on my arms.
I grab a couple tissues for the box that stood on my desk and rapped them up to stop the bleeding.

I cleaned off the razor blade and stuck in back into the drawer.
I put on a red hoodie with some type of blood symbol on it changed into a pair of white sweatpants.

I flopped head first into my pillow.

Looks like I'm not four years clean anymore...