Parineeta

The Guilt Still Follows!

Just like i had always hated waking up Nandini from her precious slumber, i hated waking up Medha too but i had too. We were in New York and i didn't want her to loose any moment of this trip it was her first.
"Medha baby.. Dekho we've reached.."i whispered into her ears and like her mom she was up at once.
"papu.. Hum itti jaldi pahunch gye.."she asked sleepily.
"jaldi! Aap toh soo rhe the aapko kya pta.. Pure 3 hours ki flight thi papu ke toh back mei pain ho rha hai..."i said in a kiddish tone as we got off the plane.
"mai daba dungi!"she said and i went all awe on her. Like mother like daughter. The only difference was maa gala dabane ke liye tayyar rehti thi aur beti back.. Perfect fam.
"sir you have a meeting in an hour.."the manager spoke just as he reached us to get the luggage unloaded.
"papa.. Abhi meeting!"she looked at me disheartened and then turned an angry gaze to the manager.
"papa abhi nhi jaenge! Abhi toh hum masti karenge na papu!"i wish i could say yes to her.
"medhu.. Papa ki meeting jaldi finish ho jaegi.. Uske baad hum achhe se masti karenge.. Sirf papa-Medha time.. Abhi aap manager uncle ke saath jaao.. Mai aapko shaam ko milunga phir dinner karne jaenge ohky?"i was getting a pro at convincing.. I wish i had done the same with Nandini.
"pakka?"Medha asked me and i promised her.
Medha was a sensitive girl and very touchy specifically towards her promises. I knew it hurt her more than anything if her promises are broken. That's why i had promised myself that i would never let a guy like me come near her though that was a very far-fetched thought but i didn't not want someone to break her heart like i broke Nandini's.
"listen take her.. Give all that she wants.. Except chocolates.."i eyed her and she diligently stuck her tongue out teasing me.
Finally the cars arrived and Medha with the manager drove away in one while i took the other to the meeting.
New York's Roads weren't new to me but something, this time, in it's air i could feel special. The slightly warm breeze of NY wasn't normal.
I wish i hadn't felt what i felt that day. I wish the sudden urge to get into relationship finally, hadn't come to me then. I wish Nandini could be there to handle my mess and stop me from what i did. I wish i had taken her name instead of.. I wish Harshad could have died that day. The day i had decided to speak to Nandini about the fake marriage thing, i felt a certain pull towards Alya and i did something i never expected i would do because for a fact i had never thought of her more than a Bestfriend. Maybe Just out of frustration. Being single for years together maybe got me to do that and also maybe the circumstances. That certain day i had Harshad in front of me talking shit about me.
"Guys! Today.. I have a shocking news for all you Manik Malhotra fans.."screached the college podium and all the P. A systems echoed.
Fab5 in the jam room were shocked. News for Manik malhotra fans echoed in my ears and it wasn't long when all of us recognized who it was.
"so.. Aaj mujhe pata chala ki humare priya Manik Malhotra ji.. *giggles*"
Harshad paused and i could hear him laughing on the other side.
"shocking ya Manik.. Tujhse yeh expected nhi tha.. Our Manik Malhotra is.. Gay!"and he began laughing as my blood boiled. How cheap.
"don't believe me! Have a look at your phones people!"he announced and our phones pinged. What came next boiled my blood even more. A picture of me and Dhruv.. Where i was on my knees giving a rose to him and he was blushing. No well.. Pretending to blush.
That picture was of a day before when Dhruv and i were making fun of the cliché kinds of proposals and styles of proposing between couples.
We never knew Harshad had stooped so low. To have portrayed it so cheaply!
And that was when after a heated fight between me and Harshad, i had announced that i had a girlfriend much to everyone's shock including me. I wasn't really in my senses and i went on announcing that Alya was my girlfriend.. Though that was nowhere true but fab5 along with Alya were more than happy and that made me happy too!
Everyone celebrated. I did too. I officially proposed Alya in the same cliché manner that i and Dhruv were making fun of. And i made myself believe that i actually loved her else i wouldn't have saud that where actually the fact was,i had no other option. Nandini wasn't in college that day, not that I was going to take her name anyway but she wouldn't have let me face this. I knew she would've handled it and gotten me out of that mess too. And i also didn't want to give hopes to any random girl. So i chose Alya. She was easier. I convinced myself that it was "meant to be"  and became excited about my first relationship. I told Nandini about it and she wasn't happy. Added to it i gave her the fake marriage thing and she turned cold. But i continued being a good and ideal boyfriend to Alya even after marrying Nandini. I kept on trying to get Nandini back to being my old Nandu while i also kept on repeating that i loved Alya. And Nandini turned stone. No feelings and no emotions for me. Many a times i gave in to my conscience that said Nandini's silence pinched me hard and that i didn't like her ignorance but then my mighty brain told me that i loved Alya and i shouldn't care about any other girl even if it was Nandini, my true love. My heart finally began to loose the battle against my brain as i lost Nandini to a stupid assumption of my brain about that night. But neither did my brain win when Alya's heart was won over by Dhruv. Both my heart and my mind lost against each other as I lost my reason to live.
That day i not only realized my mistake but i realized what Nandini's presence meant to me. Though i knew this since always that i was addicted to her and her absence troubled me but it could make me so vulnerable, i never knew. It wasn't when i knew she was gone that i realized i loved her. It was the emptiness in me, after screaming those bitter words at her, that made me realize that i was just a hollow thing without her. It was the pinching and thumping in me, while i screamed at her, that later made me realize that she wasn't just a part of my life bit a part of me. It wasn't while i recalled all that i had said to her that made me feel terrible about myself but the guilt that did not leave me even for after that encounter with her. The disgust that i felt on myself as Alya told me the truth was what made me realize that i lost my only star. The urge to kill myself that I felt day after day told me that i loved her enough to put an end to my life to gain her forgiveness. Her punishments were welcome but her silence ignorance and absence was not. I needed her. I wanted her. And i know she wants me too because she loves me still!
"sir! Vo toh peeche reh gyi!"i heard the driver say and i snapped at him coming out of my chain of thoughts.
"kya?"i looked at him annoyed. For a second it all connected and seemed like he said i had left and lost Nandini behind.
"hum bhot aage aa gye!"he said and i was still zoning out and connecting his words to my life when he repeated,"sir vo building ke liye U-turn lena hoga"
I looked outside, nodding my head as i finally realized that he wasn't talking about her.
In the next five minutes the car pulled up in front of the posh building where i had my meeting. I got off the car and and went in the building to be just another business man up for a boring meeting just like his boring life.