Parineeta

because I have loved you

Nandini:
My dinner was almost ready and though unwillingly but I was about to sit on the dining table when the door bell rang.
"kya aiyappa! Abhi koi dinner bhi nhi karne dega!"i muttered as i turned back towards the door.
My stomach rumbled as though it was hungry since years but i knew in my mind i wasn't wishing to eat.
I walked across my hall and marched angrily towards the door cursing the person on the door.
"thike maine kaha mujhe dinner ni karna that doesn't mean aap aise mujhe disturb karoge..."i muttered opening the door to a surprise or rather shock.
"Manik!?"i said in a wierd tone not understanding what i actually meant.
"Na.. Nandini.. Gh.... Ghar chalo!"
"mai ghar pe hi hu.. N wait.. Manik are you drunk!"i exclaimed as he almost tumbled inside.
"nhi.. Tum ghar chalo... Humare ghar.."he muttered ignoring the second half of my question.
Aiyappa will i ever need kids when i have this big difficult kid around me all the time. He so bossy.
"Manik I'm not going anywhere!"i retorted.
"why.. Why wouldn't you come home... Problem kya hai.. Kyu tumme humesha sab spoil karna hota hai! Kyu tum mujhe aise irritate karti ho.. Kabhi mujhe chhorh kar yaha aa jaati ho.. Kabhi divorce maangti ho.."he cribbed and i wondered if he was really drunk or he was pretending to be.
"kya problem hai.. Why do you make things so difficult always! Abhi mai bol rha hun ghar chalo.. I'm your husband and you need to listen to me! You get that!"what kind of a man is he.
"tumhe sunai nhi de rha... Maine kaha chalo.. Tum Nandini Manik Malhotra ho.. And shaadi ke baad wife apne husband ke saath rehti hai.."he held my hands tightly pulling me towards him. It wasn't long before that i knew i was loosing my patience. Though he wasn't really in his senses but he did know what he was doing and i knew if i spoke my heart out to this person he would definitely be back to his senses.
"Nandini.. I'm warning you chalo!"he said in an authoritative tone and I'd had enough.
"Manik..."i screamed and jerked him away.
"tum samajhte kya ho apne aap ko..
Tumhe kya lagta just because I'm married to you I'll listen to all your crap and bear with all what you do... No mr. Manik Malhotra.. You're wrong... I had been bearing all this because..."i paused before i blurted out everything today.
"because i Nandini Murthy had loved you! Loved you so much that I had been blinded.. I couldn't see what game you were playing with me... It was so nice of you to have married me.. But also. Keep a girlfriend whom you love..."i breathed as he looked on.
"so.. Now you tell me.. You love Alya.. She is the one of your life.. But you married me... So who am i.. Your mistress.. Isn't it..."his face snapped at me. Eyes turning red as his facial muscles tightened.
"whenever you have a fight with Alya... You come to me.. You feel alone you come to me.. Cry on my shoulder.. Yet I'm the Bestfriends who was actually never a part of your life... Agar tumhe rone ke liye kandha aur sone ke liye godh ki hi zaroorat thi toh ma ke peechhe chhupe rehte.. Shaadi karne ki kya zarurat thi... Mujhe.. Ek timepass bana ke rakhne ki kya zarurat thi!"he looked at me anger seeping in and his eyes spitting fire.
"aur ghar.. Kaunsa ghar.. Bhaar board padha tha... Murthy's... This... Is my house... Nandini Murthy.. Because i was never Nandini Malhotra... And never will be.. Manik jo cheez ek saal baad honi hi hai.
Usse hum abhi khatam kyu nhi kar sakte.. Tum bhi Alya ke saath khush rho aur mujhe bhi..."
"tumhe bhi kya.."he sounded more stable now as he interrupted me. It was good that kaka had gone off early today.
"tumhe bhi khush rehne du... Uss.. Uss Madhyam ke saath! Bolo.. Pyaar karti ho usse! Puri life uske saath rehna chahti ho... Bolo na.. Bolo!"he moved forward and held me tight. I felt disgusted. Didn't i tell him that i loved him.
"Manik Malhotra... I don't need to pacify myself yet.. I would repeat.. Vo tum ho jiski vajah se meri life kuch nhi bacha.. Kisi ke liye koi jagah nhi bachi... Because i have loved you... Aur humare beech mei Madhyam nhi Alya aayi hai... Aur agar mai tumhe paana chahti na toh tumhe usse kabka alag kar diya hota.. Par nhi.. Yhi farak hai pyaar mein aur chaahne mei... Mai humare rishte ko sudhaarna zarur chahti thi par tumhari khushiyon ko control karke nhi... Tum agar Alya ke saath khush ho toh please chale jao... Mujhe aur hopes nhi chahiye.. Mujhe yeh ek saal ki fake marriage nhi chahiye... Please move on... Let me also move on..."i said and turned but a sudden force pulled me away.
"tum Alya ko mujhse kaise alag karogi... Hume koi alag nhi kar sakta... Aur move on... Tum kiske saath move on karogi.... Vo Aryaman.. Ya Madhyam.. Ya koi naya hai tumhari life mei..."wasn't he listening to what i was saying.
"haan karungi move on... Aur mai jiske saath bhi move on karungi na... I'll make sure ki vo mujhe tumse itni dur le jaye ki yaado mei bhi mujhe tum ya tumse judi koi bhi baat yaad na aaye!"i had had enough.. I said what he wanted to listen and walked away. Back up the stairs facing my back to him as i heard him shout.
"tumhe mujhse aur meri yaado se koi dur nhi kar sakta! Kisi mei itni himmat nhi ki vo Manik Malhotra ki jagah le le... Tum meri ho... Aur tum sirf meri ho... Sirf meri...'i heard his words before i closed my room's door and tears rolled down my cheeks. What was it for him..what am i for him... A part of his egocentric game... Why is it always me to bear all this.
I had alot of questions in my jead but answers to none!