Parineeta

Buried Feelings

Manik had narrated almost every part of the past just like Cabir had. He started, like Cabir, from the time when he was in fourth a bubbly, happy person, went on to describe the phase when he was bullied so much that it actually made him hate going to school, to the time when he met his best friend, his brother, Cabir, and then how things changed, how he stopped people from getting too close to him, how he locked himself up within his own walls. It was all as I expected it to be. I felt bad, really bad for whatever he'd been through and it kind of made sense for him to turn off his feelings when he thought he was too predictable and people could easily hurt him because somewhere in all these years, in all the time that I was fake married to Manik I did the same, Turned my emotions off, so that he doesn't get through to me, although I was alittle unsuccessful since he always did get through but I tried, which is exactly what he had done. I don't know why but it just felt relatable how you tend shut yourself down so as to let no one , not the same person nor another person come close to you like somebody did, to protect yourself from the same kind of hurt. Although quite clearly Manik was so much better at it than I was.
I sat there listening to him as he went on about the last few years and how all of it affected him, and what it really was in contrast to what he showed it to be.
"Nandini all the times that I pretended that I was not interested in what you did, where you were it was all my attempt to make myself believe that you were not the one for me... because deep down a part of me wanted us to happen.. wanted you to be the one for me.. a part of me always wanted to be next to you.. around you.. because it just felt safe whenever you were there and that was exactly what I wanted to do for you.. keep you safe.. from the very day I saw you in the school corridors.. scared of Harshad and his cheap tricks.. I wanted to protect you but my mind never lete believe that there was anything more than friendship between us.. more than the feeling of wanting to protect you.. like anybody else would've done.. but in all honesty it was always more than that.. it wasn't just a protective feeling.. it was the need to know that you were safe.. that you were mine..."he paused. We gazed at each other as he left his sentence hanging.
"Nandini I always made myself believe that you and I were just friends evem though everytime the thought of you going away from me stabbed me.. I used to push it all away because it did not make sense to me.. this feeling... Of being..in love.. the mere thought of love... It never seemed to get through my thick head and ego.. I never even thought I would be in love with anybody other than my mom, dad, Fab5.. I always thought I'd locked that part of me deep deep down and that there was no scope of any of it resurfacing.."he looked away in an attempt to escape my ardent gaze stuck to his face. I was lost. At the point I didn't even know if I was listening to him. It seemed like I'd beem looking at him for way too long and had probably zoned out. My eyes traced his face, his knitted brows and the slight frowns on his forehead as he tried to explain himself to me, his eyes that moved around trying to avoid eye contacts in an attempt to hide the pain, the guilt that he had within him and also maybe the love that he was secretly and subtly confessing to me in his speech, my eyes shifted to his nose that had turned red along with his cheeks amd ears, alittle crimson, like a blush, like he was heating up from the pressure of expressing himself. It felt alot for him but I didn't want to stop him because I had to know whatever it was that went on within him. I no longer knew if it was because I wanted him to explain to me why he did what he did and to ask for forgiveness or just because I wanted to know and understand whatever he had been through. I didn't even know if it was about forgiving him at all anymore. My gaze fixated at his crimson cheeks for a little longer as I remembered the previous night and the way his cheeks had flushed and turned the same color when he'd introduced me to his relatives as his girlfriend and when they were talking about his marriage and he'd said that he had a girl in mind. My eyes then shifted towards his lips which moved in a calm yet nervous manner. He fumbled sometimes, sometimes he paused wondering if I was listening at all since I was just silently looking at him. He looked cute and as much as I was trying to stop myself, I was, but, checking him out.
"I tried alot of times.. to let you go.. cause if I so believed that you and could never happen... Then it was only fair for me to let you go... But everytime you seemed to take a step away from me... It would just kill me.. something inside of me would snap and I would be right back at your door.. trying to get a hold of you and not letting you go... Just like when you were in school.. you'd met Maddy.. all you used to do was talk about him... As much as i used to push you to give him a chance... I hated it everytime... I used to convinc myself that it was because i felt replaced as a friend, in your life... But actually it was because you seemed to.be getting close to someone who wasn't me.. you used to look happier when you used to talk about him.. whenever you used to come back from your hangouts... You used to spend so much time with him... I just started developing a feeling of hatred for him... I thought it was because he was distracting you.. I made myself believe that i was hating him because he was why you were not focusing and... Amd why you were changing.. you used to bunk classes... School... Nightstays.. I thought I hated him because I was protective of you.. but it was more than that.. always more than that... Then you joined college.. my college.. I was so happy... It could be around always.. in my words, then, I could be around so that I could protect you... So that I could help you focus because the Maddy guy wasn't there... But then things changed again... You and Alya picked an argument on your first day and I was stuck... My heart told me to tell Alya to shut up but my mind said she was my best friend... And gradually you became pure Fab5 ka target... As much as I wanted to protect you... I didn't know how to protect you from myself.. my people... So I started laying low... Thought if I kept my distance from you... You'll get off the target and you did... So maintained it.. I stayed away from you in college.. pretended like we hardly knew each other... I know it hurt you.. it hurt me too.. but I couldn't fight myself when I'd shut my emotions off... Gradually you became the singing diva of the college and almost every guy was dreaming about you... Harshad got to know of your existence again... He started his cheap tricks again... And this time it was more like a revenge from me for saving you back in school... He had understood that what I had for you was different and I was vulnerable when it came to you... I hated it even more because he was right... So i became even more distant... And then Aryaman came... God that guy... He had a crush on you since day one and I wanted to snap his neck the day I saw him, in the canteen, looking at you like you were the only person alive... I knew that feeling way too closely... I felt it everyday before I'd make myself believe that it wasn't true... I knew he was falling for you, the more he spent time with you the more I wanted to keep you to myself... And then gradually even you started spending all your waking time with him.. when you realised... When i made you believe that I had no interest in you..."he shut his eyes as if reliving that feeling and I saw his fists clenching as his facial muscles contracted and then relaxed.
"I was afraid you were falling for him too... Because you'd stopped trying to get through to me... You'd stopped trying to force me to spend time with you... It was as if you'd started feeling okay even if I wasn't around... And when I was with you, you behaved like it was casual.. like it didn't matter... Like my presence or absence was almost like the same for you..."he spoke and I looked away.
"What did you expect? You expected me to hold on... Evem when I didn't see any hope? you wanted me to give you the same importance that I always did even though I felt like I never held even the half of the importance that you held in my life?" I asked. It didn't matter anymore if I forgave him or not. What mattered was that he needed to know that he couldn't take me for granted anymore and I was making sure I told him that. As bluntly as possible.