Falling like a snow storm....

Chapter 48- they say loving is easy

People say 'to love is easy, to stay in love is hard'. I think personally they got that the wrong way round. To love someone so much it hurts is not easy, how can that possibly be interpreted as easy; to me that sounds like a difficult task. However, for me staying in love is easy, maybe not for the right reasons, but it's easy.

I have never been in a relationship with anyone. I will be 16 in March. To be honest I'm scared and worried to fall in love with someone I will spend forever with. Even though I am so in love with Theo and have a crush on Michael. I don't think I could actually ever have a relationship with them; because I love them so much. I wouldn't want to hurt them, I don't know personally what it's like to be in a relationship with someone you truly love.

As I was lay in bed. In silence. Thoughts grew in my head. It was like someone had planted a seed and the tree was slowly growing more and more branches. What if I never love again? What if I never truly get over Theo? What if I can't learn to love someone else? What if I mess up? What happens if I suddenly loose feelings for someone? I don't want to hurt anyone. I have been hurt myself. I couldn't make anyone go through it. Never hurt through a breakup but I has hurt before over love. Over Theo. Liking someone so much it physically hurts.

Sometimes I feel like I am on top of the world, with no care for him. Majority of the time, I feel I have to try to impress. I know full well he doesn't like me. Why do I bother?

I have to say I am one of the worst people for paranoia. I am so shy. I get nervous really easy. On some days I am emotional.

One example is 14th January 2014- That's right exactly a month until valentines day. Its nearly been a year since I told him I liked him. I think he has completely got over the fact I liked him, I think he thinks I have got over him. How wrong he is, I am still madly in love with him. I try not to show it.

I don't know if it was a good or bad thing they wasn't at cadets.

Anyway, back to 14th January; I got into school with Lois and Charley. I then look out of the window whilst talking to Lois and Charley. That's really rude come to think of it (I'm sorry!). I see Theo's mini bus, at that point I should have walked away from the window. I physically couldn't, it felt as if a magnet was pulling my eyes that way. There he was walking towards me. Towards the school. With a guy from our year.

This is when I began to feel jealousy creep up on me. For god sake Jessica; pull yourself together. Your jealous of a guy. A mate of his. What's going on.

I know that's another thing I am prone to- jealousy. I hate it.

I then have a guy talking to me on snapchat, calling me beautiful and everything. I don't want that, I barely know him. I certainly don't know him like I know Theo. I then begin to feel awful, cause I don't know what to say to another guy that I'm not close too and a guy I don't like in such a strong way.

Theo was the first ever guy I loved. Am I ever going to get over him. Of course I will, when my heart decides too! I wish it was sometime soon, but then at the same time I wish it wasn't.

My love for him is stronger than it was before I told him.

We all do things we regret. I regret telling him I liked him. It made things so awkward between us. I lost a friend. We could have been closer friends before I told him. Or would that have been worse, I will never know.

He says I was to young for him. I was/ I am a 1 year 2 months younger than him. I would love to know what happens in his future. I would love to find out if he finds someone a year or more younger than him.

When I have more confidence, I will say something to him about it. Not now. I am not doing a repeat of last year.

Valentines day is going to be the worst. It's going to be horrible. Torture.