Falling like a snow storm....

Chapter 45- just dont realise.

I myself don't realise how bad things are at the moment. No one does I don't think. Mum says I have changed so much. She doesn't realise. This is the third day. The third day, I have come home from school and just cried. I wish i knew why. I know partly why. That's not the point. I want to understand the full reason why. I am not enjoying life at all recently.

Near Christmas. Christmas songs playing. Many I am beginning to hate. They remind me to much of people I can never have. Theo. Michael. Mainly Theo. Life is a game, love is a gift. Finding him was so hard, but loving him was easy.

I just want to curl up into a ball, under my cover and never have to speak to anyone again. I feel so depressed. I don't know why? No one knows. I have to hide my tears from my family. I hide my feelings from my friends. I don't like being centre of attention. However, I am slowly falling apart. Sometimes I just wish I could end my life. I then think of the consequences.

It's not to end my misery. It would start other misery or would it? Would people even know I am gone. I hate life these days. I should be all happy and jolly. It's nearly Christmas and new year. I wish I could start the new year with a fresh start. No feelings for anyone. I wish my heart would lead me to someone who loves me back. Someone I could be silly around.

These tears are driving me round the bend. I just can't stop. I try, they keep on coming. Friends ask me at school if I am ok, I have to say yeah. I don't know what's up myself. I am just... Just a waste of space.

I thank my friends or being there asking if I am ok, but sometimes I just don't feel ok. I just don't want to bring you down with my problems. We all have problems and you don't want to hear mine. Other times I am just down and feel alone; even at times I don't realise....