2050: The Beginning of the End

Chapter 20: Lilian

I don't know why I confess to Dimitri, but I feel like he has a right to know. He looked so angry, as though he could literally kill Shemik here and now.

Would he really murder someone so quickly? Would he let a reckless conclusion determine his actions?

I want to tell him everything. I want him to know how it felt, as though I was frozen, how my mind stopped working when I threw that knife. I want him to understand that I had no idea, that at first I thought someone else had thrown it. I want to tell him I was reckless, impulsive, that I'm sorry. But I'm not totally sorry, am I? If I hadn't killed her, would Shemik have been quick enough? Would someone have been forced to kill them both?

I want Dimitri to see it was best. I want to tell him I know, I hate myself for doing what I did and that I still can't believe I could do that. I want him to know that it gave me a panic attack, that no one can make me feel better about this.

I want him to blame me, because this is all my fault.

I want to tell him that he's making a mistake. He should know. I wish he could see that these soldiers will make him a murderer, this war will make him a murderer.

I don't trust him, but I like him enough to want to save him.

He looks at me, and for an instant the look of pity in his gaze makes me think I have a chance.

Then he speaks.

"Don't defend her." he snaps, and I can't help being angry at him.

He only blames Shemik because he can't find anyone else to accuse.

"Fine." I snarl, shooting him a look that, if stares could kill, would have him six feet under right now, "Blame whoever you want to, but I'm telling you the truth."

I turn my back on him, watching the other soldiers instead.

Theo, Emilio, and Jason are walking in our direction, and Rose is the last in line to have her weapons taken. She looks terrified, a far-away look in her eyes as she doesn't resist the order of the apparent leader.

My pessimistic side is telling me that no matter what we do, they're going to kill us. What does it matter? The most logical explanation for them showing up here is that they want to use us as another weapon in the war, like those other soldiers Jason saw. I can't begin to contemplate that. If what I did to Katerina is still threatening to consume me, what would it feel like to kill people for no reason, to kill hundreds of ordinary citizens in a war I barely understand? If these Russians force us to join them, I risk killing people from my own country.

No, I'm not doing it. I don't care what Shemik or Emilio say, I refuse to be pulled into this.

Rose joins us.

The officer who confiscated our weapons turns to another soldier, speaking rapidly in what must be Russian. This soldier pulls a small communication device from his belt, pressing a button and speaking furiously into it.

It doesn't take a genius to realize they're calling in reinforcements. We have to get out of here before the rest of them get to us.

Another soldier, whose name I recall to be Ivanov, motions for Dimitri to come speak to him, and I immediately turn my gaze to Shemik.