Scars of our love n.h [editing]

Chapter 17- empty inside

Melanie's Pov (Back to when Niall left)

PLEASE READ THE SONG AND RELATE IT WITH THE STORY, YOU CAN THANK ME LATER FOR THE TEARS

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ah ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh

--

You know that moment when you realize you are empty? It's funny actually, the music playing in the background the blade opening my skin to new pain, it seems like a crappy stupid sad scene that was taken out of a movie, I almost laugh at myself, almost.

What would normal people think of me? That I am some monster? Maybe, I am. I will consider myself a monster from now on, the name fits me.

Monster: An entity not of this world, something that brings bad things and fear with them.

Yeah, sounds exactly like me, ahaha.

I wonder how he is doing, just thinking of him makes my whole body hurt, I feel weaker, I feel drained, like every cell of my body is becoming older and older by the second, I don't have any energy.

You are probably wondering why would I feel this if I don't even love him, the truth is that I do, I finally love someone, my problem was that I didn't know what love was, so I didn't recognize the feeling.

I regret it so much, he was the first person that I loved and now I am all alone.

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Yeah, this music fits in the moment, I really need him, my nightmares have been really bad, I seriously don't know what to do. I text him. I called him. I tried to find him. But all I got was nothing, deception and tears. Lately I haven't cried much, maybe because I barely drink anything and I already cried to much.

Finally, I look to my arms and legs, all covered in blood. After a lot of effort I am in the bath, the freezing cold water pouring down on my body, taking the blood away, it feels relaxing even if I am fucking cold, it's a shame that I don't have the energy to turn the hot water on.

One foot, then another, trying my best to keep myself up, but I fail miserably, like I did all my life. My skinny knees fall to the ground and I curse at the pain that comes with it. I finally climb to the bed and try to fall asleep, try.

The usual nightmares this night didn't haunt me but different and worse ones came to take my sleep away.

"I wish you weren't my daughter it's your fault that your dad died if you didn't forced him to pick you up from that shitty art class, by the way, you suck at it." The tars stream down my face, I loved my dad so much he was the one to sign me in in that art class, he said I was good at it, and I loved to use my creativity, it made me me forget about my real life. I keep wishing for her to walk away but she keeps talking. "Your father loved you more than me, I really don't know what guys see in you, you are ugly as shit! But look there is the fucking phone ringing again I bet is that guy wanting to talk to you again." What she means is that probably the man that raped me.

"Please don't answer..." I whisper just loud enough for her to hear.

"Why not? I am your mother, I have the right to do whatever I want." She picks up the phone and for what I understand when they saw that it was her they hung up, may be they said something because my mom looks pretty shocked.

"They said that your test were positive, you are pregnant." What test? I didn't do any test, that bastard got me pregnant!

"YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE THAT CHILD!" My mom screams and jumps to me, punching my belly.

I wake up sweating and screaming, I run to my desk, I need to forget this dream by pitting myself so I start writing a text.

"She feels lonely, sad, depressed, weak and empty. There is no bigger pain then being empty. There are two types of happiness:

1-An empty where you don't feel anything, you are in robotic mode so it doesn't hurt a lot, because once again the wall that you built around yourself doesn't let you feel, I wish I was like this.

2-And then there is the empty/full. Believe me when I say that it is the most hurtful, auto destructive thing in the world, you feel that there is nothing left for you, that you lost yourself along the way, you feel like you get yourself out of the bed every morning not because you want to but because you have to, at the same time you feel so much pain that it seems you carry a rock in your chest anywhere you go. You want to kill yourself but the curiosity of what is going to happen  keeps you on earth."

I save the paper under my bed along with others I wrote. I get up and go to the bathroom to wash the dried blood from my cuts, when the door bell rings, I pull the sleeve down and go to answer the door.

"Who is it?" My door doesn't have a fucking peephole so I have to scream to the person on the other side,

"It's Jake! Please open! It's the third I come here this week" Oh I almost forgot, he tried to come in here and see how I was doing, but I never opened the door.

"Go away Jake..." I can't stand him seeing me like this.

"Back away I am going to come in!" Oh shit this isn't good...

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I am so sorry, I really am, I have been so tired and writing isn't a priority. I really need to know what kind of chapters you like please give me suggestions!

This chapter is dedicated to Imaginator1D because one of her chapters inspired me to do my own, go read her story After you probably already do, it's perfect!

I am going to Paris with school! Yeahhhh

Love you all,

kisses and hugs,

hope you like it, 

Guida xx