Modest Delusions - Book 3 (Larry Stylinson AU)

Chapter 8 - I know I could do better

I know I could do better

As the sun dropped from the sky and into the horizon like a ball of fire, the day fell away and with it brought the sleepy lovers as they lay dazed on the oversized bed. Ava was staring absently at the sunset as a slash of colours appeared like splashed paint between the clouds. She smiled to herself enjoying the beauty that Dubai offered, it was like her own little slice of heaven and she hadn’t been given this much privacy for many years. The silence, the lack of flashes was a little daunting to Ava but it was moments like these, the quiet stolen moments with Louis. The one’s where the rest of the world fell away that she truly cherished most. The suite was vast and empty, it almost felt too big to comprehend especially with only the two of them occupying the lavish space. Ava looked down at Louis and his mouth was parted with a small smile on his tired face, she hoped he was dreaming of her but she knew it was unlikely. Ava often wondered if Louis would ever love her the way she loved him. 

‘Give it time,’ Rachel, would say over and over again when they went for manicures and shopping, she promised with time things would be different but Ava had her doubts. 

Doubts that were buried away like lost treasure never to be found or revealed, a secret she would keep under lock and key for the rest of time. She loved Louis yes, she could talk to Louis… sort of but did Louis trust her?  Well, she wasn’t sure and sharing her doubts in their relationship would only create a bigger hole between them, she couldn’t allow that to happen. No matter how much it hurt on those off days where she needed him  most, where she’d hoped silently he’d look at her the way he usedto look at Harry. Full of unfaltering patience, unconditional love and pure adoration. She wondered if he felt anything for her other then dependance and tolerance… Ava winced at the thought and shoved it aside quickly. 

His arms squeeze her tighter and she is distracted from her menacing mind, she looks at him and gently brushes his hair out of his eyes. Louis snores lightly and his head is pressed against Ava's bare stomach, she smiles down at him as she yawns and strokes his hair. The curtains billow with the soft night breeze and the moon hangs so close to the horizon it looks as if it could simply fall into the ocean and disappear. Ava's cheeks are flushed, the fights with Louis were always diabolical. The make up sex was, well, exhausting and now Louis was finally asleep she had a moment to catch her breath. 

Ava lay naked with Louis wrapped around her and he was strewn beneath the mess of egyptian cotton and in the moonlight they were a beautiful entanglement of flesh, linen and nothing else.  It was… bewitching.

She stared idly at the billowing curtains as her mind carried her to far away places where contracts and bands didn’t exist, where money wasn’t a concept she had any understanding of and sadness did not exist. There was so much sadness and sometimes it piled on thick like a heavy coat weighing her down, some days it was unbearable to walk, to carry what felt like the weight of the world. She tried, every day since meeting Louis she tried to smile for him, to be happy for him but amongst it all she felt so small, so tired. She just wanted to cry and tell him everything that was bothering her. From the media slander about her career to the constant expose´’s on her eating habits and her weight. She was in such high demand that spreading herself between appearances, twitter, her work and Louis felt like she was being pulled in a million directions at once. It was ironic that the one thing she wanted most, in this moment was to be pulled in One direction. She smirked at the thought, perhaps Louis was her one direction? 

He stirred in his sleep and gripped her thigh tightly, as if he was afraid of his dream and she just soothed him with a hush and a stroke of his hair. He babbled for a few moments before drifting weightlessly into a sleep Ava wished she could have. Her mind ran like timer, always counting down to something but she never knew what and somedays wondered if it was a bomb… would she one day implode? Rachel was the only one that knew about the extent of her eating disorder and anxieties, she battled with darkness more then she was willing to accept to herself, let alone anyone else. She wanted to share them with Louis but he was so fragile. Ever since she’s met him he was like a baby bird fallen from the nest and rejected from its mother, he couldn’t fly. Ava opened her arms for him, gave him a sanctuary when  the rest of the world was too much to bear, she was everything to him… almost everything. But now as the months drew on Ava knew she wasn’t the only one wondering if he’d every fly freely again.