Dan and Phil Imagines and One Shots

It's The Past That Haunts Me - Dan Howell and Phil Lester

(Guys! I'm so sorry this is late. I wanted this to be my 100th chapter of this book, coinciding with my 7k milestone on the reads. But things didn't go to plan. I tried to write three different imagines to go in there and I couldn't pull it off. Then my living situation changed temporarily, as my dad went to the hospital (he's fine, no worries) and I was trying to get over that hurdle. Anyway. This is my 100th published chapter of this story. I have reached 7.3k reads and once again, I love all of you.

This imagine is emotional, triggering. Mentions of abuse and rape. The end was rushed, so if you want a part 2 where Dan goes back into his memory again about what happened, I'll gladly do it. There's a few sequels I need to make, so yeah. Thank you guys so much. Enjoy!)

Morose, crestfallen and dejected, I grabbed my phone. I looked in my blocked numbers list and unblocked him. Before calling him, I rose from the bed I shared with my boyfriend, Gabe. Slowly, as to not wake him up. I couldn't take one more moment of this hell I was in. I can't believe I was so idiotic. But, I guess it further proved my point that if I couldn't be with Phil and have him around me, I'd just settle for unhappy. I'd settle for sadness. Throwing on a jacket and grabbing my keys, I began to leave the apartment we once shared, now filled with hatred and exploitation, ill will and prostitution, malice and sin.

Once I successfully exited the building, I jogged to my car. I didn't drive often, but when being in a relationship with Gabe, it was needed. I closed my door completely and mutely, starting the engine up. I peeled out of the parking lot, praying that my partner was still sleeping upstairs. The further I drove away, the more confident I became in getting closer to safety. My phone connected to the bluetooth in my car and I spoke up. "Hey Siri," I started. I heard the beep, signalling that Siri was waiting for me to continue speaking. "Call Phil." 

Calling Phil. Siri sounded as if she was disappointed in my choice of a call. I'm disappointed too, mostly in myself. What happened between Phil and I was unnecessary and uncalled for. But nonetheless, we've been apart for three years now, and I was used to not hearing his voice. I was used to avoiding his storytimes, avoiding his new videos, avoiding his tweets, avoiding him. I had grown very accustomed to being lonely even though I wasn't alone. 

That familiar voice broke through my thoughts. "Hello!" He yelled. How long had I not been responding? I looked at the timer of the call. 20 full seconds and counting. "Who is this?" 

I felt the tears starting to fall. "Phil?" No sound came from him whatsoever. Not even a breath or a sigh. "Phil, please. I'm begging you. Please. Say something. I-I can't have you shut me out too. i'm a fucking human, no one seems to get that."

I heard a sigh, which I expected. "What do you want at two in the fucking morning?" Phil groaned. "I've got to go to the store and do things tomorrow, what do you actually want from me?"

Phil had a life, I know. But I needed someone. "Tell me where you are. I'm driving nowhere. I'm on the road with drunks, I'm looking over my shoulder, like I'm being followed. I haven't been safe for three years, I need a safe haven now." The desperation was thick within my voice. 

The exhaustion was prominent in Phil's voice as well. "1438 Gloddaeth Avenue... Where are you?"

I looked up at the freeway signs. "The exit to Gloddaeth is a half mile away. I'll figure it out from here. See you in about 15 minutes or less." I sighed, hanging up. I reached up wiping my tears away. As I promised, within 15 minutes, I was pulling into the driveway of this house. I sighed, laying my head on the steering wheel, crying hard. I was about to face someone I hurt bad, I couldn't even refrain from crying. Eventually, I got out of my car, closing the door, the same way I closed it back at the apartment. As I approached the front door, shaking profusely, Phil opened the door, looking at me in the darkness. 

"You weren't faking it..." Phil mumbled, looking at how distraught I looked. I probably looked like a God Blessed ass mess. Hobbit hair, red eyes and tear stained cheeks, Phil was looking at me in one of my rawest forms. "My God, Dan, get in here." Phil pulled me inside, closing the door and grabbing my jacket. In the light, Phil saw everything. Scars on my arms, the last few stages of a black eye. So many purple and green marks over my body, you probably couldn't tell if they were hickeys or straight bruises. "Oh my God," Phil gasped. I looked away, my eyes guilty like a puppy's. "What happened to you?" His hand to reached over to hold me, but I jumped backward.

I looked up, panicked out of my mind. "No, don't." My voice came out in a high pitched squeal. I coughed, clearing my throat. "I-I don't need pity." I whispered, sitting down on the couch he had. I inhaled slowly, letting out the breath shakily. I shook my head before throwing my head in my hands, crying my eyes out again. "Oh fuck." I began to hyperventilate, letting out gaspy sobs.

Phil sat down on the other end, away from me. "Dan..." He mumbled softly. "Dan, look at me." I let out another sigh and inhaled again, raising my head to meet his stare. "What happened to you?"

I coughed, trying to calm down. There was no turning back now. I might as well just tell him now what happened. "Remember me telling you about Gabe?" I asked softly. Phil nodded slowly. I sighed softly, preparing for the extra judgement from him. "I went back to him after you left."

I heard a deep sigh come from Phil. "Dan, you could've found someone else." 

I shook my head. "After I hurt you, I didn't deserve anyone or anything better."

"Fuck me and my feelings. Feelings don't kill you." Phil said, getting angry. "Worthless pieces of shit thinking they can do any and everything to a person can kill you." 

He began to say something else before I cut him off. "Let me speak... Just listen to what happened." I asked, getting him to concede. "About a month after you left, I went out drinking. Gabe saw me and took advantage of my drunken state. We hooked up that night and it was like I'd signed a contract to him." I sighed in deep shaking breaths. "I tried to get him to leave the next day, but he just..." My voice faltered away. "Uhm... Yeah... He decided that one sober hook up would make me love him again. I was sober enough to say no. He was crazy enough to think I meant yes."

Phil's eyes widened. "Not again..."

I nodded. "Yes, again. Almost every day for three years." Picking up my phone I went into the calendar, handing it to Phil. "That's what he's done, to spare you the details. Sitting down, as soft as this couch is, hurts me."

Phil shook his head. "Did he do it tonight?" 

I nodded, shamefully. Then, I began crying again. "God, I'm sorry. I should just go... It's been years and this is the first thing I tell you?" 

Phil moved over and pulled me into a tight hug. "No, don't be sorry."

"I feel so dirty... I feel so wrong." I cried. "I'm nothing, I'm broken."

Phil sighed, picking me up. "Let's go." I didn't want to move but I was too tired and emotionally drained to fight him. He carried me to his bathroom, sitting me down on the lidded toilet. I sighed, shaking slightly as he ran the bath. "You gotta do this." I knew what he meant and took my clothes off. As I set everything to the side and placing the towel I was given over my lap, I gasped slightly. "What's wrong?" Phil glanced back at me.

I held up my underwear. "I didn't know it was this bad..." There was a large spot of blood. Phil's jaw dropped slightly. "Oh my God..." I mumbled.

"I'll get you some things." Phil said, stopping the bath, getting some clothes of his. I was so torn between my pride and Phil... My "pride". That shit was broken. I still loved Phil and I couldn't remember what tore us apart.

*~*~*~*~*

"And that's what happened between us." Phil smiled, looking at the camera.

We sat together with our hands intertwined, sitting on my bed. "But, now we're back and stronger than ever." I leaned in and kissed him softly. It felt great to have Phil back with me. I was safe, secure and happy. I wouldn't trade him for anything.