Infinite, sometimes

4

            The course introduction had started and the class was being told of expectations and grading processes while Ellen repeatedly poked the back of Ryan's hand with her pencil. Her attempts at making him leave his fingers alone only made him glare at her, but he knew she meant well and he had learned to expect her to be persistent. Ryan knew better than to doubt his friends' dedication to him. The first couple years that Spencer and Ellen had been dating was a time of realization for Ryan. He had found out that there were, in fact, people who simply refused to give up on him. Ryan was glad it had happened even if he had been miserable for quite a while. The hope he had received from others had given him hope for himself.
            Spencer and Ellen had started dating in seventh grade, around the time that relationships moved beyond the "I like you" trend of age eight. The three of them had grown up in the same area and could not recall a time when they did not know each other. As children, they were friends. Not boys, not girls, not young or old or different—they were happy. Something changed when Spencer and Ellen fell in love. The change was not necessarily on their end, but it was Ryan. Ryan was afraid. The couple continued on as if nothing had changed, showing affection when they were alone and leaving some distance between themselves when Ryan was around. The two of them were not bothered by this and they enjoyed their time together as friends.
            Ryan, however, saw their distance as a result of his presence. He developed a sense of guilt for keeping them away from each other, afraid to lose his friends but more afraid of causing them to fall apart. He started to pull himself away altogether while deciding to spend all of his time glued to his computer, many evenings spent answering concerned emails from Spencer to try to convince his friend that everything was fine. Within a year, this had developed into an addiction that he was still unable to overcome. His computer was his closest friend, a condition that never really went away. It was a mask and an outlet and an endless source of faceless words on a screen that allowed him to make connections but still stay just far enough away to avoid getting hurt. Through this, Spencer and Ellen never gave up. They never stopped the phone calls, never stopped trying to convince Ryan to be with them. His reaction was usually distant. Sometimes they talked him into leaving his bedroom, and these encounters usually ended with a tearful Ryan begging the couple to leave him behind and spend time with each other. It was too hard at times, but they never gave up on trying to include their fragile friend.
            This went on for two years before Ryan realized that his friends needed him as much as he needed them. They didn't like that they were only really spending time with him on the nights that he was unable to stay in his own home with his father. These nights normally resulted in Ellen needing to find herself a ride home, usually Spencer's mother, while Spencer stayed home and tended to his friend. However, Ellen never left before she spent time with Ryan on her own. It gave Spencer time to prepare for a potential night of only two or three hours of sleep. Ellen would sit with Ryan and hold ice to bruises while he cried and made it clear how badly he wanted his father back. Sometimes she and Spencer would lay on either side of Ryan and just watch the ceiling and they would help him wake up and adjust if he happened to fall into one of his paralyzing dreams. They loved him not because he was too vulnerable to turn away but because he was the most important person in their lives. Having Ryan seek safety in their company never bothered them, contrary to what Ryan always thought, and they never debated when the decision was made to take their arms away from each other and give them to Ryan. Many romantic moments between the young couple were interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell, taken as a sign that they needed to focus their attention on someone who needed it more that they did.
            As guilty as Ryan felt for bothering his friends several nights a week, he still loved what he got from them. Sweet cologne dominated his senses when Spencer held him close and he could smell it on Ellen's clothes when he was in her arms. Spencer would stay awake with Ryan long after Ellen had gone home. Ryan always apologized for making her leave and Spencer never stopped telling him that it was not his fault. After a while, Ryan was not only apologizing because of his incredible guilt, but he apologized because it made his friend say the three words he always needed to hear—"We love you."
            Very few times was it so bad that Ryan did not leave Spencer's bed. The sofa in the living room was always fitted with blankets by Spencer's mother after every time she granted Ryan entrance into her home. She would spend these nights in the recliner next to the couch and her hand would gently stroke his hair much like she did for her own son when he was sick as a child, and this helped Ryan fall asleep without too much trouble. These nights spent at Spencer's house were free of the intense paralysis that plagued him while he was alone in his own bed. He still had nightmares and close calls but his friend was always there to breathe life into him during these spells of nighttime fear.
            The mornings that followed these painful nights consisted of a nice breakfast and a long hug from Spencer's mom, plenty of coffee, and a quick drive to Ryan's house. Nobody ever minded leaving early in the mornings for Ryan. It was the only time anyone was able to see Ryan's father the way he was meant to be seen. It was odd for Spencer to see Ryan wrapped so tightly in an affectionate hug in his father's arms, the same arms that were able to break the boy and send him running away. Ryan was always good at disguising the sadness he felt while leaving his house every morning. If there was one thing that Spencer and Ellen and everyone else did not know, it was that he had to fight himself to stay strong every morning when he left his father. His throat in a painful knot and eyes burning with a thousand refused tears, every day Ryan had to hold himself up and walk out the door in the most painful action he would have to take all day. His two friends could sense his distress and they usually sat quietly until after Ryan was dropped off at his school, but they never truly knew the extent of what Ryan felt. In the past, Spencer's mother had dropped them off at school. His friends never knew that once Ryan was inside his school and they were making their way to their own, Ryan retreated to the restroom to lock himself in a stall and cry for his father.
            It was the purest emotion that Ryan could ever feel. It was not an emotion triggered by physical pain, harsh words, or anything shallow that others his age might cry in the mirror for. It was a different emotion, different from the ones that his father stirred up in him most evenings. He would cry for the man that he had to say goodbye to every morning while knowing that the man's affection would be hidden for the next twenty four hours. Ryan did not want everyone to be right. He wanted a cure for his father and he wanted to feel safe in his home after five thirty every evening. Spencer's mother would drop Ryan off at his school and proceed to deliver her son and his girlfriend to their own building, and none of them knew how Ryan cried. He would let his tears fall to the tile floor because there was no need to hide his face while locked inside the dirty little rectangle. While his two friends would arrive at their school across town, Ryan was just busy wanting his father. He cried for him every morning, his only sign of weakness as he stood strong beside the good person that he knew his father could be.
            Ryan was afraid that he would be unable to hide this one weakness now that the three of them were in the same place each day. It was one more thing he knew he had to overcome even though he had come to depend on his daily routine. But he had to stop depending—if the weakness was there, Ryan knew he had to stop hiding it. He had spent too much time denying things in the past. He was proud of himself for deciding to believe his friends, their broken record talks with him about how he was not a burden had played for the last time. Jealousy was never a factor, and after so many hundreds of days spent pushing himself away, he eventually realized that he was not going to pull his friends apart.
            Spencer and Ellen would never tell Ryan how often they considered calling off their relationship. They saw him falling apart for fear of his problems being too much for them to handle. They knew he needed their help more than he let on and they knew he wanted them to be alone together with nobody to look after, two desires from one boy that could not possibly be met all at once. They thought about ending everything just for Ryan's sake, simply giving him the made up excuse that they had always enjoyed just being friends, but they knew he would be unable to handle it. They had to choose the lesser of two evils. Either they would have to continue trying to assure Ryan that they loved him and always wanted him nearby, or he would crash with the realization that his fears were warranted and he was the cause of their problems, even though he never caused a single problem for the two—he was only convinced that he did. Spencer and Ellen loved each other. Never once did they consider ending their relationship because they, personally, grew tired of it. The two of them wanted to do whatever would be best for Ryan. They knew they had to continue even if it was almost intolerable to see their friend so scared and afraid to turn to them for help. Even after Ryan found certain aspects to love about life, Spencer and Ellen knew that they would always hold this secret. Ryan simply did not need to know.
            Ellen watched her friend start to make a valid attempt at paying attention to the lecture. She knew he was finding the task to be rather difficult, and she was unable to distract herself from his nervous finger picking. She decided to stop pushing for more information about Ryan's mysterious new friend for the time being. Ryan always meant what he said when he said he did not want to talk, so she just sat back and watched him worry. Art class passed quickly with Ryan becoming more and more annoyed from the thoughts of having his poor drawing skills brought to his attention again. Between scribbling notes and joking silently with Ellen, Ryan had been watching the clock. He dwelled on how stupid he felt for denying the boy's red glasses when Ellen asked. He knew she could give him the boy's name had he just agreed. As he left the classroom, missing his last chance to confess, Ryan could not figure out why he was so afraid.