Infinite, sometimes

11

"Alright Bren, we should seriously get going."
"Yeah. I just wish we could stay here, though. But I guess I need to get home before my mom gets there." Brendon picked up another handful of rocks that were destined for the bottom of the river.
"She usually home by the time you're done with school?"
Brendon shrugged. "Eh, sometimes. Usually she gets home ten or fifteen minutes after I do. She started working odd hours when I was like twelve so I wouldn't be home alone for long after school. It was fine when I was a kid but now it's just kind of old."
"I can imagine."
"They get pissed when I lock myself in my room all night, but it's the only time I can really be by myself. They never give me a fucking break." Brendon unloaded the rocks from his hand in one forceful throw before he made his way back to sit down on the cement.
"I didn't think you liked being alone?"
"I hate it, but it's better than trying to watch a movie with everyone in the living room and listening to Seth bitch about something and my mom picking me apart or whatever." Brendon crossed his arms, leaning forward to rest them on his lap and support himself. He glanced up at Ryan to confirm that he still held the boy's attention, but he turned his eyes back to the ground to make it easier to talk. "They wanna do all this family shit with me, and I really wouldn't mind it, but they make it so goddamn miserable that I just wanna hide in bed all day."
Ryan finally joined Brendon on the cement again. "I think I've proven that I don't mind phone calls, so you don't have to be completely alone anymore."
Brendon laughed. "Yeah, but you're probably not gonna wanna sit there for two hours every night and listen to me bitch about everything."
"If it's gonna help ya." Ryan's voice was to the point, and he shifted his leg to rest his knee against Brendon's. Brendon just smiled and looked at the river again as he pulled out his phone, still unsure how to continuously respond to kind words. "Look Bren, I'm sorry everything has to be so fucking hard for you. I promise it's gonna get better."
"It already has." Brendon was busy messing around with his phone. "It's almost three, though. School's almost out and I need to get home."
"Yeah, you're probably right." Ryan twitched and rolled his eyes as his phone started to vibrate. "I knew Spence would probably freak out and start sending me messages. He could at least wait 'til school was actually over, though. So how are we gonna talk tonight? Phone or computer?" Ryan had taken out his phone and started to unlock the keys.
"Phone's always a good option. I'll let you know if I can get on the computer, though."
Ryan nodded and opened the message he had just received. He grinned, only half noticing that Brendon had stood up and started walking away to distance himself.
                                                From: Bren
                                                                Message: <3
Ryan let his thumb glide across the screen while he stood up, staring at the text that was displayed before he slid his phone back into his pocket. "Brendon. Hold on, Bren, don't leave yet."
Brendon was relieved and he turned around to see Ryan jogging toward him. "Yeah?"
"I'll, uh... thanks for talking to me, okay? I hope we can talk more tonight."
"Of course, just give it a couple hours and I'll probably have plenty to complain about."
Ryan laughed while he hugged Brendon, pressing their chests together and hoping his friend could always be this strong. "I'll be there when you're ready, alright?"
"Thanks for not being scared away."
"Why would I be scared away?"
Brendon shook his head and inhaled deeply, taking in the scent that Ryan had picked up from being around Spencer the night before. "Most people would have given up."
"Nobody ever gave up on me. Well, the people that mattered never gave up. People you love are worth fighting for. I'm gonna listen to you as often as you want, I promise. It always worked for me." He squeezed Brendon a little harder than he probably should have and Brendon squirmed a little to position himself before returning the hug. "Just get home before it gets too late. As long as you call me, you're not gonna be alone."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey El." Ryan jumped down onto the couch as he answered his phone and he stretched his legs out. He was glad to have a soft surface to lay on for the first time since waking up that morning.
"Shit, Ryan, where the hell did you go?"
"Bren and I left."
"Oh so he's Bren now." Ellen chuckled and he heard Spencer doing the same in the background.
"What?" Ryan snapped, vaguely annoyed.
"Nothing. Why did you guys leave and how the hell did you pull it off?"
"We said we were sick. I called my dad and he called some cousin of his who pretended to be his mom."
"But why did you wanna leave? Well, I know it's school, but..."
"I guess Brendon just needed to talk."
"Well then. Elaboration, por favor."
"He just took me to this place down by the river and we talked about random stuff all day. He talked, mainly. He can really get going if you just sit there and don't say much. Um, we ate Cheez-its and talked about the river, and that's about it. We kinda hid all day."
"You're cute, Ryan."
"What?" Ryan whined sarcastically and hoped Ellen could hear his smile. "We just wanted to hang out and if we can't do it in the evening, we might as well do it during school. Neither of us wanted to be there, anyway. You can't really blame us for that."
"Is he okay, Ry?"
"Almost, I think. He's... I don't know. It's not a lost cause. I've been with you and Spence for long enough to know what to do, really. And you guys were right about him. He's a good kid."
"I know he is."
"How was today?"
"Boring, really. Nothing happened. Um, Spence said Miss Davis was worried about you and Brendon, that's about it. Do you want us to come over?"
"I'd like to see ya, but I really need to get some laundry done, maybe clean up a bit around here before Dad gets home..."
"Oh, don't worry about it, then. We can just plan on seeing you tomorrow, okay?"
"Yeah. Tell Spence I'll call him if I need anything. I know he'll worry about it."
"Will do. See ya, Boy."
"Later."
Ryan stood up and opened the blinds on the front windows to try to flood the room with clean daylight, but the sky had given way to more clouds than he had expected. In the dimly lit room, he turned on the television. The weather report spoke of an approaching storm and Ryan began to miss the beautiful day he had spent outside. In his bedroom, he dug around his closet for an old pair of gym shorts and a t-shirt that was three sizes too big. It had been weeks since he wore proper pajamas to bed and it felt good to wear such loose clothing that fell around his skin and made him feel small. He gathered three pairs of jeans, some socks, and the four shirts he had been wearing the most in the past couple weeks. He put them in the washing machine on the coldest setting and he decided to turn to his computer, ignoring the dirty floor that could have used a vacuum.
Ryan had hoped that having his questions answered would calm his mind and let him get back to his life, but if anything, everything that happened had made it worse. Knowing what Brendon would have to listen to when he got home made Ryan sick. For some reason, he was angry at the fact that Brendon's parents never let him have time alone unless he fought for it. He shouldn't have to fight. Ryan didn't like the thought of his friend being criticized by the people he loved, trying to swallow everything down as he tried to tolerate the pressure from his parents. Ryan was caught between feeling pain for Brendon and feeling anger for him. Pain for how he knew the boy felt; anger for what he knew the boy deserved as a human being, but was not allowed to have.
Ryan grabbed his phone upon realization that he technically never responded to Brendon's last message. He was almost glad that it was hard to type much on the phone. It kept him from saying things that should not be said. It kept him from easily emptying his heart onto some faceless medium, and in a way, Ryan hoped that Brendon didn't talk to him on the computer anytime soon. It was far too easy for Ryan to be far too honest, and the extent of his affection had been enough, he thought, to keep Brendon feeling safe without scaring him away.
                                                To: Bren
                                                                Message: im here
He leaned against the wall while sitting on his bed and his computer had begun to warm his legs. Outside, a dull roar of distant thunder, not unlike the sound in his ears of his heart pounding. The house was silent, so quiet that he could hear his body keeping him alive.

I'm still not sure where I'm going. Fuck, I can be so lost sometimes. Even when I have so much planned out, mine for the taking, just begging to be taken advantage of. I'm starting to wonder if I can ever stop feeling. Not in the way I used to ask that question. Not for those old reasons. I just want to breathe a little. I want to not worry. I want to bring him happiness. There's an ocean calling out for me, and I want nothing more than to sail it, to calm it down, to settle these waves that threaten to flood this city... it's not supposed to be like this. Nothing should need fixing. Not now. Not when everything was going so well. Not when his smile is so bright when he has a reason for it.