Infinite, sometimes

33

Once Ryan's chest stopped pounding from the unwelcome blast of Brendon's alarm clock, Ryan was able to start making sense of things in his head. He was the one that shut off the alarm almost instantly while Brendon remained asleep next to him. It was clear that Brendon's hand had been able to put Ryan to sleep by simply rubbing his back, but what Ryan couldn't figure out was how Brendon had managed to move him over, away from the edge of the bed where he fell asleep, all without waking him up.
Brendon slept through the alarm and he remained motionless as he faced Ryan. While Ryan laid on his side, Brendon was curled up under the blanket with his knees pulled up and his folded arms resting against them. His forehead was pressed against Ryan's chest and while Ryan watched the small movements created by Brendon's breathing, Ryan wished he could figure out how to stop time. He knew that something had made Brendon curl up next to him, and he knew it was probably the same thing that upset him so much before he fell asleep with his head against Brendon's leg, but even as he started to wake Brendon up by playing with his hair, Ryan didn't want to ask questions.
"Good morning."
Brendon groaned and seemed to nuzzle his head against Ryan's chest, but he was barely conscious. "Sleep."
"I know you're tired..." Ryan moved his hand away from Brendon's hair and gently rubbed his cheek instead. "But you need to wake up."
"mmm... Next..."
"Huh?"
"I like it..."
"Bren, what? You're not awake."
"I am."
"What about 'liking next,' then?"
Brendon stretched and spoke quietly before he inhaled loudly. "I like waking up next to you."
Ryan's mouth was formed into a smile before he even realized it. He stretched and let his arm fall across Brendon's body and Brendon snuggled closer to into him.
"Feels so good to not be alone all the time."
"I know it does."
"Wonder if I could fake sick today."
"Nah, you don't wanna do that."
"I kinda do."
"Your mom might make me leave, then."
"She'd normally stay home... make sure I'm okay, but... I could probably convince her to go to work... let you stay with me."
"But would you wanna risk it? If she lets you stay but says I can't, then you'll be alone for the rest of the day."
"I don't know."
"Well I kinda... don't want that..."
"I wanna be home with you."
"Bren, I was fine yesterday, and Spence will make sure I'm okay again today."
"But still."
"It's only a few hours, and I really don't like the thought of you risking it and your mom saying I have to go home for the rest of the day. It's not worth it for just a chance at a couple extra hours."
"So you don't want me to?"
Ryan clung to Brendon with his arm wrapped tightly around him. "I don't want to have to be alone tonight."
Brendon exhaled and brushed his head against Ryan's. "I have to get ready for school, then."
Ryan changed into his jeans while Brendon looked for something to wear. He picked up a clean shirt out of Ryan's pile of clothing as if they were his own before hiding his body inside Ryan's jacket. There was a good chance that someone would come into the bedroom, and Brendon couldn't afford to take chances with his arms.
"I sent you something last night." Brendon sat down next to Ryan and nervously knocked their legs together.
"Huh?"
"I told you I wrote something in class yesterday and you said you wanted to read it."
"Oh, I remember."
"I typed it and sent it to you."
"Really? When?"
"While you were asleep. I don't show anything to anyone, so just..."
"Nobody else will see it."
Brendon smiled. "It's kinda just for you, anyway."
"What is it?"
"Supposed to be some lyrics but it's really fucking bad."
"I'm sure I'll love it."
"Well, if you like me, I supposed you can like anything."
Ryan put his arm around Brendon's back and held onto his waist, hoping it would say more than any words could ever hope to.
"Can I tell you something?"
"You know you can say anything to me."
Brendon exhaled and looked away. "I felt terrible last night."
"Why?" There were several things Ryan knew that Brendon could be referring to.
"Just seeing you get so upset like that."
"It happens to me sometimes... I need to be careful about it, though. I'll try harder to just, not..."
"No, Ry... you have every right and reason to do it, I just... I hate seeing you hurt like that."
Ryan exhaled and drew his bottom lip into his mouth. "I'm glad you didn't hate it enough to leave me in here, though." He chuckled nervously and glanced at Brendon.
"Ry, I could never do that... if I left, I wouldn't be able to fix it... and that's all I want to do for you..." Brendon wrapped his arm around Ryan's shoulders and pulled him closer.
"You fixed it last night. As much as it could be."
"I need to make it perfect."
"Nobody can do that."
"Can I keep trying?"
Ryan looked up at his friend and smiled at the honest expression on his face. Part of him was honored that Brendon was so determined to try to change the past, but he was just happy to know that the boy cared. He didn't want to think about how willing he would be to let Brendon change everything if he could, and he knew he would still take Brendon up on the offer of disappearing. Anything to get even the slightest bit further from everything that liked to cause pain recently.
~~~~~~~~~~
"Ry, can I trust you with something?"
Ryan brought his coffee away from his lips. "Anything."
"I mean, I know I can, but this is just... I don't know, I need to know that you're serious."
"About what?"
"I don't even know. I'm just scared."
"Of what?" Ryan moved to stand beside Brendon, and they stood at the foot of the bed.
"To officially tell you too much."
"I don't know if you could ever tell me enough."
"No, I could, and this... no, it's too weird."
Ryan gently grabbed Brendon's shoulder to keep him from walking away too quickly. "What do you need to say, Bren?"
"Nothing."
"You were gonna say something... Bren, what is it? You got me, Kid... you can say anything to me."
"It's not saying anything..."
"What is it?"
"I want to show you, some..." Brendon gently pushed the box of notebooks with his foot. "But it's too much, you'll hate me."
"I care about you too much to hate you, though."
"And I care about you too much to risk it."
"Is it bad?"
"In a certain sense. In the same way that it's too good."
"I promised to never drag anything out of you, but I think it would... mean a lot to me if you showed me."
Brendon licked his lips and studied Ryan's face, particularly his eyes, and he couldn't continue with his irrational thoughts of Ryan abandoning him. "Can you guard it with your life?"
"I promise."
"I know I say I don't care what you tell Spence and El, but not this... please..."
"Bren, anything you want kept between us will stay between us, I promise."
Brendon licked his lips again and cautiously looked at Ryan before he leaned down to the box. He glanced at a few of the notebooks, seeming to know what was in each one simply by the amount and location of the wear and creases on the covers. "This one..." He lifted up a rather thin, red notebook and handed it to Ryan. "Just don't look now. It's from this past... spring, I think. And summer. And this..." Brendon threw his book bag onto the bed and unzipped it, pulling out the older, multi-subject notebook that Ryan had seen him writing in recently. "I've used it for random shit before but I tore it all out... there are some class notes in here from last week but just ignore that. Anything you'd want to see in here is near the back. It's all newer stuff, really."
Ryan held on to the notebooks as if he were about to break them. "Don't you need something to write in today, though?"
"I have plenty." Brendon let Ryan see inside the bag, which contained not too much more than three notebooks. "I'd show you the really old stuff, but it's really all too embarrassing for me to even look at, so... it's not like it's easy for me to even do this."
"You won't regret it, though... I promise."
Brendon laughed and threw his bag over his shoulder. "We'll see after you look at all that."
There was a thick silence in Spencer's car all the way to school. Brendon and Ryan both knew that separation was inevitable, and they decided to not ruin it with words. Brendon sat against Ryan in silent gratitude for the strength that Ryan had given him the previous evening. Their hands were held together tightly to appreciate every second they had together before Spencer pulled up to the building.
"Lunch?"
Brendon nodded and looked down at their hands, hoping to remember what it felt like while they were holding on to each other.
"I'll read everything."
"That's what I'm afraid of."
"Brendon?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't be afraid of me."
"I'm not. I'm just afraid of losing you."
"Over what?"
"Honesty."
"You mean you're lying?"
"No. Too much honesty."
"No such thing when it's coming from you."
Brendon walked over to Ryan's side of the car when they got out, but he gave Ryan and Ellen some space while they hugged.
"We saw the email. Everything's okay."
"He's not mad?"
"Not at all. Feels sorta bad about everything, though."
"I didn't want that."
"It's okay. He's gonna talk to you... he's not mad. I have to say, you have a way of making me cry with the way you talk about this boy here." Ellen reached out and poked Brendon on the shoulder.
Ryan laughed and squeezed Ellen tightly. "I didn't want that, either."
"It was for good reasons. We love you two, you know."
Ryan smiled and nodded, looking at the ground.
"You and Spence take it easy today, alright?"
"Yeah."
Ellen put her face against Ryan's shoulder. "Don't worry about Bren. He's fine with me."
"I know."
Ellen turned her attention toward Spencer, and Ryan moved closer to Brendon, who was standing awkwardly with his hand clutching the strap of his bag.
"I guess... have fun at school?"
Brendon rolled his eyes and laughed. "Oh, I hear there's gonna be a massive party in the auditorium after lunch. Jello shots and everything, should be a fucking blast."
Ryan laughed and hugged his friend. "Just don't get drunk. I wouldn't like that."
"Oh... sorry..."
"Nah it's okay."
"I'll never drink, you know?"
Ryan nodded. "That's good. I won't either."
Brendon still looked embarrassed and he shuffled his feet.
"Just have fun skipping all your classes for that party."
Brendon grinned. "I think I heard something about having Metallica play, even."
"Oh, I'm sorry... I guess I'm glad I won't be there today. I'll just stay home all day and download music from the internet."
Brendon laughed and rubbed his eyes, triggering Ryan to gently hug him.
"Try to stay awake, okay?"
"Yeah."
"I don't want you to get in trouble again."
"I can't wait 'til this afternoon." Brendon pressed his head against Ryan's shoulder and gently clung to him.
"What happens then?"
"You."
Ryan rubbed Brendon's back and reluctantly let go of him. "We'll be fine. Don't let Ellen get too bored at lunch, okay?"
Brendon nodded, and Ryan was out of ideas for what to say. He knew it would end up hurting too much if he decided to hug Brendon again, only to need to break apart seconds later. Ellen gently linked her arm with Brendon's and pulled him away, and he simply waved at Ryan as he left.
Ryan was still uncomfortable with the situation with Spencer. Neither of them talked until Ryan was safely on his own bed. He kept Brendon's notebooks against his chest, and Spencer didn't want to ask about them, even though Ryan has been randomly lowering his face to the edge of them as if he were only supposed to breathe against the paper.
"So... you saw my email."
"Yeah." Spencer sat down beside Ryan and tried to stay calm with his arm around his shoulders. "Man, I am so fucking sorry."
"For what, being the most amazing friend ever?"
"I'm awful for all this."
"No, you're just concerned about me."
"But I need to let you live."
"You help me live, and I like that."
"Ryan, you just need to know... Ellen and I, we really like Brendon."
"I'm glad."
"I do want you to trust him. Trust him with everything you have... I just naturally worry too much, especially about you... I know Brendon's good, and the fact that you can help him is just... really good for you. I want you to have that, okay?"
Ryan nodded gratefully. "Yeah."
"What's in there?"
"Just... Brendon's stuff..."
"He's letting you read?"
Ryan nodded.
"Wow... he guards those with his life. Last year, at lunch one day... he was writing something and this kid that sat with us sometimes, he leans over and starts to pull it away from him.."
"Oh God."
"And Brendon just freaks out and elbows him in the fucking face..." Spencer laughed at the memory. "And he grabbed it back from him and closed it and just folded his arms and laid his head down on it... he really, really wasn't about to let anyone touch it."
"What happened, then?"
"Kid just left. Didn't sit with us again. El kinda moved closer to Brendon and played with his hair for a while, and he didn't really freak out too much... aside from almost breaking the kids cheek..."
"Didn't get in trouble?"
"Nah, it was too busy in there for any teachers to see."
"He gave these to me... just said he wanted me to read them. I need to check my mail, too."
"Go ahead and do that... just, I wanted you to know that I'm sorry for how I've been."
"I like how you've been, you've been looking out for me and I need that."
"Well, you got it, Kid."
Ryan lifted his computer and waited for the screen to flicker on. "But you... you're sure about Bren?"
"What about him?"
"You like him, and... you don't mind me, you know, just..."
Spencer smiled and tossed one of his socks at Ryan while sitting on the floor. "I know he's good for you, and yeah... we love him."