Infinite, sometimes

34

Waking up was getting to be easier for Ryan. His sleep had been more peaceful, and every night he was enthralled with something new, but it was unfortunate that this new concept was one of sleep in which he was never hurt or scared or threatened in his dreams. He was getting used to it, but he didn't want to get too comfortable with it. He wanted to be able to appreciate the newfound safety of his dreams and never, not even for a moment, take them for granted.
Brendon was jolted into alertness by the ring of his phone. Ryan regained consciousness slowly, but he was able to pick up what Brendon was saying.
"Didn't Dad tell... oh, good..."
Ryan pushed his hair out of his face and inhaled sharply in order to give his brain a quick rush of oxygen. Brendon rolled over to face the nightstand and he fumbled around with one of his notebooks.
"Yeah I do... why? Hold on..."
It was only nine in the morning. Ryan didn't want to be awake, but he didn't have a choice in the matter now that Brendon was talking, albeit quietly, to his mother. Brendon held the cap of a pen in his mouth as he scribbled something down.
"Are you serious? You're not... oh, thank you, I..."
Ryan's eyes were still blurry and he decided to just focus on the back of Brendon's head.
"Yeah... yeah I will, thank you... love you too... yeah, bye." Brendon didn't know Ryan was awake, but he still turned around with a large grin on his tired face and he instantly put his head on Ryan's chest. It was still warm from being there all night.
"What did she want?"
"Good morning." Brendon kept his head still and he slid his left arm under Ryan's neck.
"What was it, Hun?"
"She wanted to give me a number."
"For what?"
"She said she wants me to call it and set up a time for my first guitar lesson."
"What?"
"Yeah."
Ryan put his arms around Brendon's upper body and held him down in a strong but tired hug. "That's amazing."
"She said Seth's giving me his guitar because he's never played it. I never even knew he had one."
"I know a little bit. I can try to show you."
"Really?"
"Yeah... I just wanna sleep now, though."
Brendon laughed quietly. "Did you really think this was weird at first?"
"What?"
"The other day when we woke up sorta like this."
"Oh..."
"You said you liked it even though it was weird."
"Yeah."
"Did you think it was weird?"
"Did you?"
"I thought it was nice."
Ryan's lips instinctively formed a small smile. "Me too."
"I never thought it was weird."
"Me either... I was just scared, really. I didn't know what to think."
"Doesn't scare you now, though?"
"Of course not... it's all I've wanted lately."
Brendon sighed and turned his head a little, burying his face against the side of Ryan's chest to whisper. "You know... I love you..."
Ryan gently moved his hand across Brendon's back. "I... need you, Bren... I..." Ryan turned his head to face the wall out of growing disgust with himself.
"Hey..." Brendon blindly lifted his hand to Ryan's face and gently touched his lips. "It's okay, just... I know. It's okay. Let's just go back to sleep."
Ryan nodded and put his hand around Brendon's, leaving it near his mouth and squeezing hard enough to let Brendon know that he didn't want him to leave.
It wasn't until one o'clock that Ryan awoke to his mother's hand on his forehead, moving slowly back and forth through his hair. When he opened his eyes, they landed on a blurry vision of Brendon's sleeping face. Neither of them had moved after falling back to sleep. Ryan inhaled and his mother's hand moved down to his cheek.
"You awake?"
Ryan nodded and moved his head so he could quickly inhale against Brendon's hair. He waited for any sort of reaction from his mother, but he got none.
"You want to come out and be with me for a little bit?"
Ryan nodded again and stretched his legs. "Where's Spencer?"
"I don't know, is he supposed to be here?"
"Oh, he was home... last night..." Ryan briefly forgot about the half hour spent on the phone with Spencer and Ellen the night before to convince them that he and Brendon were going to be fine in the house alone. He wasn't aware that they had just wanted to talk to him while he was slightly tired and overly happy from Brendon's jokes, which were growing in frequency. Brendon had wanted to spend the night making Ryan smile, and obnoxiously pointing out every smile that crossed his friend's face, which only made Ryan laugh even more. Brendon knew it was a nice distraction for both of them.
"Come with me, Sweetie." Elizabeth squeezed what she hoped was Ryan's foot and she moved away from the bed when her son started to move carefully. "Just let him sleep, let me help..." She lifted the blanket away from Ryan's legs, leaving Brendon still covered, and she nodded toward the foot of the bed. "Slide out down here."
Ryan slowly followed his mother's suggestion and moved Brendon's arm to slide out of their safe, warm embrace. It was warm enough to make Ryan feel cold without his friend against him, and Ryan knew that body heat should never be underestimated. He turned a little bit to crack his back once he was standing and he watched his mother gently lay the blanket around Brendon's shoulders, tucking him in and touching his hair without saying a word. She turned around and took Ryan's hand and brushed his hair to the side. "I thought it was late enough to wake you up."
"How long have you been here?"
Elizabeth started to lead Ryan down the hallway with her hand on his back. "Couple hours. You looked so peaceful laying there and I just wanted to let you sleep."
"Oh."
"Were you guys up late last night?"
"I guess."
"Well I hope you got enough rest."
"Yeah." Ryan sat down on the couch, next to his mother, and in front of her soap operas. A couple books were laying on the coffee table, next to a small box that Ryan wanted to ignore, and Elizabeth draped a blanket over their legs while Ryan put his arm around her shoulders.
"This is nice, Ryan."
"What is?"
"Sitting here with you like we did when you were little."
Ryan nodded and casually looked at his mother's face. He was glad to have her back home, even if it wasn't yet permanent. "When will you come back?"
"Soon, Kiddo. This weekend, I hope, if that's what you want..."
Ryan clenched his teeth and looked away. "Please don't call me that."
Elizabeth chuckled and rubbed Ryan's leg. "Too old for the names, I guess... but mothers aren't allowed to call their sons by their actual names. You know that, Ryan Lion."
Ryan instinctively grinned at the name he had not heard since age eight, but he licked his lips and shook his head again. "I thought he was gonna call me Kiddo for the rest of my life."
"Oh, Sweetie..." Elizabeth tried to move to hug Ryan, but he wouldn't let her. He kept his arm around her shoulders and decided to hold on to her hand on his leg instead.
"It's alright."
"Ryan, I really need you to tell me when you want me to come back."
"Since you can't come back two months ago, this weekend is fine."
"Honey you know how bad I feel—"
"I'm sorry, I just miss you, okay? I've missed you this whole time and I just don't like how you don't really seem to even want to come back. We talked about this before."
Elizabeth forced her arms free and wrapped them around her son. "Ryan, it was a mistake; one that I know I can't fix but one that I want to try to make up to you... I thought you would want some space with your friends after all this, but if you want me home now, I can be."
Ryan couldn't move his head away from his mother's chest and his eyes were fixed on the box that sat on the coffee table. In the silence of his own head, he tried to feel like part of a family again. It almost worked, and he wanted to think it could have worked if he had given it more time, but his mother's words kept him from believing it.
"It's just us now, Baby."
Ryan closed his eyes and shook his head, and Elizabeth hugged him closer.
"Mom's going to take care of you, though. I don't care how old you are, Baby. It's my job and it always will be. I promise you'll be sick of me, but it's supposed to be like that."
"I want everything to be normal."
"So do I."
"I just forget what it feels like."
"I'm coming home, Sweetie. Alice said they'd help me move everything else back whenever I was ready."
"What about the rent?"
"Don't even worry about that. There's only a couple months left, and I'm not about to stay away from you for a few hundred dollars, if you want me here."
"We need the money."
"We don't, and it'll be spent regardless of where I'm staying. Baby, remember, I have... I can keep us going. You don't ever need to worry about that."
"I just don't think anything's gonna work anymore."
Elizabeth sat Ryan up and held on to his shoulders. "Ryan, I'm not going to leave you again, if that's what you're afraid of."
Ryan licked his lips again and looked past his mother. Brendon was shyly standing in the hallway, and something suddenly made sense to Ryan. The two of them were more similar than he ever thought, and his mother's comment only brought everything to the surface. Ryan didn't want to lose anyone else.
Ryan sat up straighter and held his arm out over the back of the couch, flexing his fingers a little bit toward Brendon. Elizabeth turned her head and smiled at Brendon while he crept closer and she turned back around to face the television. Brendon kept his arms folded and seemed to forget that he was wearing one of Ryan's short-sleeved shirts, and he sat down with his leg pressed hard against Ryan's.
"You weren't there when I woke up."
Ryan's heart ached in an unfamiliar way as he remembered what it felt like to be terrified of losing those you love, and he realized that Brendon truly knew that feeling as well. He had tried to not believe it when he suspected it before. "I didn't go far." He noticed Brendon quickly try to hide his arms, and Ryan gently pulled his right arm out away from his body. "I'll never go too far."
Elizabeth watched Brendon's eyes dart nervously back and forth from her hands to Ryan's face. "Did you sleep well?"
"Yeah."
"I don't think I've gotten to talk to you much."
Brendon shook his head and looked at Ryan. He hadn't been awake long enough to be able to think coherently, and all he could sense from Elizabeth was anger.
"Well, I've told Ryan this, but you are welcome here any time."
Brendon smiled and blushed as he looked down at his hands. He folded them together tightly, but even with Ryan next to him, he was still terrified. His only idea of Elizabeth had been, until the past week, one of a person who betrayed Ryan when he needed her and left him alone when he was in no position to handle anything on his own. Her apparent kindness and human emotions were unsettling to him as soon as he was torn away from the only idea he ever had of her, the minute she came into the house less than one week prior.
Elizabeth lifted Brendon's head by gently pushing his chin up and she caught him with his lip slightly in his mouth. She smiled at him and her eyes drifted down to his arms. "I hear you're taking good care of Ryan."
"Yeah, I... think..." Brendon nervously looked at Ryan.
"You know you are." Ryan brushed the back of Brendon's hand with the knuckle on his index finger, and he left his hand laying slightly open. Brendon subtly moved his fingers against Ryan's hand, and Ryan took it upon himself to lace them together and lean back against the couch. He could tell Brendon felt better, but he was still staring at him as if he wanted to run away. "You alright?"
Brendon nodded and leaned back next to him.
"So, Brendon... I'm sorry I'm not much for conversation right now." Elizabeth sat forward and turned sideways slightly. "I'm sure you understand."
Brendon nodded and pressed his upper arm against Ryan's.
Elizabeth was openly looking at Brendon's arms by this point. "Ryan's helping you?"
Brendon nodded again and decided that he needed to make some noise. "Yeah."
"Please let him?"
Brendon was surprised by the amount of honesty in Elizabeth's voice.
"He cares about you and so you should..." Elizabeth saw sadness in Brendon's face, and she stopped talking for a moment. She put her hands on Ryan's and Brendon's, one on top and one underneath. "You guys need each other, okay?"
"I know." Ryan felt inexplicably safe, knowing that his mother understood everything that he spent so many nights trying to explain to himself.
Ryan didn't want his mother to touch the box on the coffee table. It seemed like slow motion when she opened it and brought it closer to him, and he turned his head quickly; not to look away, but to see Brendon's face and to get lost in his eyes for as long as possible. Brendon squeezed his hand hard, and he didn't let the pressure ease right away.
Elizabeth handed her son a small velvet bag. It was a dark blue and weighed almost nothing as it fit in the palm of his hand, and for the first time in his life Ryan didn't now how to feel. It wasn't a lack of knowing what to feel, but it was a lack of knowing how to feel it. He had spent so many years wishing for this, and even with this brief second, he was positive that he wanted nothing more than to feel something. He didn't like not knowing what to do. Even when the reality of everything hit him and he was numb, Ryan had still felt fear. It had been a blank fear that he didn't know how to handle, but he knew what it was and why it was there. At this moment, though, Ryan didn't know what to do. Brendon's hand kept him safely tied down and all Ryan could do was close his eyes to remove every other distraction. He carefully set the bag down on the table and he turned sideways with his shoulder digging into the couch, and he fell against Brendon. Their hands pulled apart but Brendon's arms quickly became wrapped around Ryan's body and his face was pressed into Ryan's neck. Ryan could feel his mother's hand on his back and Brendon's breath close to his ear, and he was determined to not cry. He wanted to focus on the people around him, touching him, letting him know that the last thing he was right then was alone. He wanted to know that he still had love.
"Mom..."
"Baby?"
"Call Spencer for me."
~~~~~~~~~~
Brendon looked up from his shoes and tucked them closer to his body as he sat on the cement. He shook his head slightly to toss his hair around and he watched his two friends walk hand in hand along the edge of the river. "I wanna be like them."
"How so?"
"They've been together for... God, how long?"
Ryan pushed some hair behind his ear and looked at Brendon. "Around four years, I think?"
"That's so long."
Ryan smiled and glanced toward them, but he looked back to Brendon because they were too far away. "When you're our age, I guess it is."
"I think it's a long time."
"Yeah, but some people are married for seventy years or whatever... I can't even imagine that."
"Me either."
"Can you imagine seventy years of waking up next to the same person every day?"
Brendon smiled and shrugged with his hands in the pockets of his jacket. He shyly moved his eyes upward and they met Ryan's, and Ryan's eyes told him that it was an honest question. With the corner of his bottom lip pressed between his teeth to keep his smile from growing too large, Brendon nodded his head and looked away again, still too shy to continue staring.
"So can I."
Brendon looked up again and let himself match Ryan's smile.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah."
"What do you think about everything that's gonna happen to us?" Ryan couldn't look at Brendon. Certain questions were too hard to ask while making eye contact.
"What's gonna happen?"
"That's just it. I have no idea."
"What do you mean... when?"
Ryan glanced over at Brendon before looking away again to speak. "Just... in the future, as we get older. Where will we end up?"
"I try not to think that far ahead."
"But why?"
"Well, why do you think about it?"
Ryan shrugged and started to slide his hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt, but he was soon reminded of why he had them outside when his fingers grazed the bag. "I'm not sure, I just do."
"You think a lot."
"I guess."
"I try to not get my hopes up about things. If I don't hope for something to happen, I'm not disappointed when it doesn't happen."
"But what about when it does?"
Brendon shrugged. "It's a nice surprise."
"Can't you just let yourself want something, though?"
"I already have."
"Maybe you'll have it someday."
"Ry, can you look at me?"
Ryan focused his gaze a little more and moved it up to Brendon's face.
"Do I have you?"
"What?"
"Do I have you?"
"Of course you do."
"No, Ryan... do I have you?"
Ryan thought he heard the tiniest hint of fear in Brendon's voice, but fear and uncertainty always had the habit of sounding similar, especially when combined with Brendon's eyes to create the ultimate blend of sadness, hope, and longing. It was hard to tell which one Brendon was feeling, but it wasn't hard for Ryan to understand the question that needed to be answered. He pulled Brendon's right hand out of his pocket and he trapped the boy's fingers in a gentle fist that almost seemed desperate to just hold on to Brendon. "You do."
Brendon closed his eyes as a small smile crossed his face. His lips seemed to tremble, barely moving, but it was too perfectly timed to be an involuntary response. Brendon was mouthing silent words that Ryan knew he shouldn't ask about.
"Don't ever think you don't have me."
Brendon opened his eyes and started to move his hand. He watched the way Ryan's hand gave way to his as he slid his fingers between Ryan's and squeezed tightly. Ryan's fingers didn't put up a fight, and for the first time, Brendon realized just how well their hands fit together. "You wanna know how I see things?"
"Yeah, see what?"
"Everything that'll happen."
"Oh, yeah, just... the future?"
"Yeah."
Ryan nodded and wrapped his free hand gently around Brendon's forearm.
"I guess, now that I have reason to believe I'll get older... God, I used to think I'd never see eighteen, and now it's like, a year and a half away. I can't even imagine twenty-one, but you know... I know it'll happen, now."
"I'm glad it will."
"I guess I just... I never used to think about things because I never thought I'd be here to see them. But now I have someone to see them with and even if things aren't perfect right now, just the fact that I don't have to be alone is proof enough that... fuck, I don't know... proof that anything can happen." Brendon leaned forward, but he didn't move his arm away from Ryan. "I never used to have any proof that anything could be good, so I just saw the future as something that I didn't even want to be around for, but now... I can't see it in a bad light even if I tried, you know?"
Ryan nodded. He stared at Brendon with a proud gaze and he almost didn't remember to let his smile grow, just to let Brendon know that he was listening. He was listening too much to properly react. Ryan liked to hear Brendon say things like this.
"I still just want to be something... do something with my life, but I don't know what... you know you say we're young, but hell, we don't have much time left to just sit here and talk all day... I never thought I'd say this, but I don't really want to get much older."
"I don't think anyone does."
"No, I really just want to stay like this... nothing to do, and all the time in the world to do it... I guess that's what I'm really scared of. I'm afraid of losing this."
"Bren, you'll never lose this. Situations will change and we'll have to live with certain things that I don't even know of yet, but we'll never lose us... and if you know that, how can you be scared?"
Brendon smiled and looked at the water to try to find something to say. "I know I always say some things go on forever. Sometimes I can really feel it."
"Like when?"
"Now." Brendon laughed quietly and he stood up, starting to walk away from Ryan.
"Where are you going?"
Brendon extended his hand as he continued to walk. "I said I wanted to be like them. Come on."
Ryan jogged to catch up and Brendon's hand wrapped around his own. "You know, you take everything away sometimes."
"How?"
"I don't even know. It's like you're... some light at the end of whatever tunnel. You're always there, and I know I'll get to you... whenever I get out of it..."
"I think the same about you."
Ryan chuckled. "Am I at the other end of the tunnel?"
"Yeah."
"How about we just run toward each other, then?" Ryan turned and wrapped his arms around Brendon's neck. "Just light everything and get it done with."
"Can we pretend it's that easy?"
"Of course."
"It's things like this..."
"What about it?"
"I don't know how something like this can't last forever. I don't think I can ever forget... I don't know, so much has happened... Ryan?"
"Yeah?"
"Before you showed me, I really didn't even feel like a person."
Ryan squeezed Brendon's hand. "I know what that's like."
"You know, when you told me I was beautiful... I wasn't lying when I said I hadn't heard it before."
"I still don't know how."
"And I still don't know how you can think I'm beautiful, but don't want to make you question it."
"I never will."
"Talk to me, Ryan."
"That's... sudden... what do you want me to say?"
Brendon shook his head. "Anything. I've talked enough."
"Well, I'm just thinking about you right now, so I don't know how to change the subject really..."
"Talk about anything."
"I don't know what to say."
"Well. Are you staying at my house tonight?" Brendon stopped walking and slowly turned around to head back in the other direction.
"I'd like to."
"What about this weekend?"
"Well, my mom's coming back..."
"Oh, it's okay, then. I'll find something to do."
"I want you with me, though."
"Really?"
"I don't know how much longer we can pull off practically living together, but yeah, you can stay with me this weekend... my mom doesn't care."
"Are you sure she really doesn't care?"
"Yeah. Bren, she wants me to be happy. I know her past actions don't really show it, but she made a mistake and I can't really hold it against her."
"So how much longer until I can forgive everyone?"
"Well, if someone blatantly tried to hurt me, I don't know if I could forgive them. You know, what your brother's done before, and even your parents... not saying it's not forgivable, but they did a lot of stuff while knowing it at least bothered you. I guess what matters is that they know they were wrong, now."
"I can't believe you brought that out of them."
"I didn't, you did. I just made sure you did."
"Ryan, can I be honest?"
"Of course."
"If I never met you, I'd still be laying in my room, wanting to disappear."
"I'm glad you're better, but really, if you're up for disappearing for a little while, I'd like to get away."
Brendon slowed down as they started to approach their spot. "How are you, Ry?"
Ryan shrugged. "Been better. Been worse in some ways."
"You haven't talked much."
"I'm sorry."
"You know... whenever you're ready, I'm here..."
Ryan nodded.
"You always say you won't ever make me talk, and I'll do the same for you, but... if you ever need to, you know I'll listen."
Ryan nodded and stared at the water. "Have you ever walked out there?"
"In the water?"
"Yeah."
"No, I haven't... why?"
Ryan shrugged. "Just wonder how deep it is."
"I don't know, it doesn't look very deep."
"Looks can be deceiving. Just like the currents underneath.... Looks pretty calm, but there's only one way to find out just how fast that water's moving."
Brendon squeezed Ryan's hand tighter. "Please don't say that."
"No, not that... I wouldn't want to... I'm just saying. It looks so calm, but it could be hell once you get out there, dive in... I don't even want to think of how deep it could be."
"Ryan..." Brendon stepped in front of Ryan and slid his hands around Ryan's waist. "You'll never keep anything from me, will you?"
"I try not to."
"I don't care what you let anyone else see... I just don't want to have to guess what you're thinking."
"I don't want to have to guess with you, either."
"I'm trying... I try to tell you everything, even if I'm afraid to."
"I guess I... I'm okay I guess, I mean, nothing's going to happen to me. But I'm scared, you know?"
Brendon grabbed his left wrist with his right hand behind Ryan's lower back and he gently laid the side of his face on Ryan's shoulder. Before his eyes faced the river, he saw Spencer and Ellen standing far away, simply watching them. "What makes you scared?"
"So many things, and then I feel bad because I have you and our friends and you guys always let me know everything's okay... I just feel bad for being so scared..."
"Scared of what, though?"
"I just feel like so much is falling apart when everything should be coming together."
"Yeah." Brendon wanted to let Ryan talk, regardless of how badly he wanted to ask questions.
"I just thought everything with us was just too good to be true, and then Friday happened, and I guess... it really was, I guess. I just kinda hoped that everything could be good for once."
"It will be."
"I know, trust me, I know it will... I'm still scared, though, it's... I don't know, I've lost half my life and everything I was working for, and now I just feel guilty... I can hold on to you and know that everything with us is fine, but I just can't let go of everything else that easily..."
"And you shouldn't let go, either. Not completely. But why do you feel guilty?"
"I was never able to help him."
"Baby, you can't live with that regret, though. Just because you never got to finish doesn't mean you weren't going to be able to. Look at everything you've done for me... you better not ever think you can't help people. I think that's why you're here, to help people live..."
"I still feel like I could have done more, though."
"You did all you could, and I love you for that, Ryan. I've told you before that I love how dedicated you are."
"I try to not just scrape by, I guess."
"Back when Spencer and Ellen would tell me things, I just knew you were good... I knew that even though you were so, just... sick, I guess... I knew you were an amazing person. You're the first thing I was ever right about, I guess."
"I can't really say how happy I am that you finally met me."
"I won't even try to tell you how happy I am. I could never do it."
"I'm just glad I have you because you're the only thing keeping me from feeling like my life's completely over."
"Ryan..."
"Everything feels over but since I have you, not everything looks as ugly as it could... but I don't know, my head's just gonna suck for a while, and I guess I just need to know that you'll stay with me until everything just... stops feeling like this, I guess..."
"Ryan?"
"I guess I just need to know that you'll stay—"
"I'll never leave you." Brendon lifted his head and looked into Ryan's eyes. "Not now, and not when this is over. Even ten years from now, forever..." He was distracted by Ryan's lips and the way they gently fell over his teeth, curling up a little on one side as a faint smile swept his face and he looked away. Brendon kept staring. "Ryan?"
"Yeah?"
Brendon leaned forward slightly and he couldn't move his eyes away from Ryan's mouth. "You're so..."
Ryan sensed Brendon's words and he quickly put his head on Brendon's shoulder, squeezing him in a hug. "I can't lose anyone else, you have to promise."
Brendon laid his head back down. "I promise."
Ryan slowly pulled away and squeezed Brendon's hands as he moved back. "I need to do this."
Brendon nodded slowly. "You're sure you want to do it now?"
"I'll never do it if I wait."
"What about here... are you sure you can even, just... you know..."
Ryan shrugged. "I don't care. I really, really don't care if I can or not. It's not stopping me."
"But you're sure you want to do it here?"
Ryan anxiously ran his fingers through his hair, shaking it around slightly. "Are you trying to talk me out of this?"
"No, no..." Brendon stepped closer to Ryan and squeezed his arm gently. "I just want you to be sure."
"I am."
"Then it's all up to you."
"I don't want to, you know... it's not something I really want, but I don't know... I need it, or..." Ryan shook his head. "I need to do it."
"It's okay."
Ryan walked toward the area of tall grass with his hands in his pockets, one clutching the small velvet bag. He felt Brendon's eyes against his neck and he didn't want to tell Brendon where to go. He knew Brendon would do whatever he felt was appropriate, and it was obvious that Brendon wanted to give him some space. Ryan stood with the gentle wind hitting his back and while he knew he had three people watching him, he felt like he was alone with his thoughts; alone to make the biggest decision he had ever had to make in his seventeen years of life. He didn't like thinking about whether or not anything would ever come along that would be harder or more important, because to him, deciding where part of his father would live forever was the biggest thing he would ever have to do.
All Ryan could do was think to himself as the breeze carried the small amount of dust. It flew over the blades of grass and some of it traveled out over the water, mixing completely with the air and becoming invisible. It was permanent, and it was forever. The life and memories that Ryan had grown up with were now suspended in time; in the air; over the water and in the grass; and Ryan closed his eyes to let everything sink in. He heard dirt crunching under Brendon's slow, cautious steps, and he opened his eyes again. The air had cleared and it was occupied only by the small breeze that had been there all along. Ryan felt comfortably alone for so many minutes that when Brendon touched his shoulder, he flinched because for a moment he had forgotten that the rest of the world existed. Brendon's hand rested nervously on Ryan's shoulder and Ryan turned slightly, wrapping an arm around Brendon's waist to show his friend that it was okay for him to stand there.
"That's it, I guess."
"You okay?"
Ryan looked out over the water and nodded. The empty bag was tucked away in his pocket, and Ryan silently decided to carry it with him for the rest of the foreseeable future.
"I think you... I think you made a good decision."
"Yeah."
"What are you thinking right now?"
Ryan shook his head oddly while slightly shrugging his shoulders. "Endings, and... I don't know what this is..."
"What do you mean?"
"Does this all mean something's over, or just... starting... I don't even know..."
"It can mean either. What do you want it to be?"
Ryan shrugged.
"I don't think it's either."
"How?"
"It's a continuation."
"But how?"
"Ryan..." Brendon turned and faced Ryan, placing his hand on Ryan's chest. "I've said before, you're part of him. As long as you're breathing, he is too. He made you, Ryan..."
Ryan nodded and put his hand on top of Brendon's on his chest.
"And now, he's always here... right here, in this place, like we are... and he'll never leave." Brendon lowered his hand and returned his arms to around Ryan's waist, with his head on Ryan's shoulder. This time, he faced Ryan's neck, seeming to speak against Ryan's throat. "Any time you need him, Ry... he's here."
"He'll be with us when we're here."
"Yeah."
"I'll talk to him, Brendon."
"You need to."
"I just can't right now."
"But he'll listen whenever you do."
Ryan could only nod his head. His mind was traveling back to the night he sat on his father's bed in a flood of his own emotions, with a large hand pressed against his back and years of fatherly guidance catching up to them both as Ryan let himself fall apart. That night, it was a father being parent, a son being broken, and a dad knowing that he had too many wrongs to fix and not enough lifetimes to make everything right. For Ryan, though, it was everything. It was all the proof he needed, and Ryan felt safe knowing that there was enough evidence that night to show him that his dad would be appreciative of the forgiveness that he so honestly gave him.
"Any time you need him, you can come here... he has all the time in the world to listen to you."
Ryan stood up straight, forcing Brendon to pull away slightly. He rubbed the sting away from his eyes with the heels of his hands and he returned one hand to Brendon's waist, letting the other rest on Brendon's cheek.
"Do you believe what I'm saying?"
"Of course."
"It's... true..."
Ryan was starting to get lost in Brendon's eyes again. He listened to the dull rushing of the water behind them, so full of static and yet so smooth as it continued to race by forever, never letting up. The wind moved a cloud away from the sun and the light hit Brendon's eyes with an intensity that was able to make the flecks of yellow shine like a mirror. "You're going to be fine, Brendon."
Brendon nodded and he slowly put his hand on the back of Ryan's neck. "So are you."
Ryan was concentrating so hard on the boy in front of him that he could hear his every breath.
"There's... so much strength in letting go... how can you stand here right now, just... like this..."
Ryan's eyes drifted shut with the quiet rush of the river running beside them. He smiled vibrantly, finally realizing as he laced their fingers together that they were going to be able to stay like this forever. This is why we live. "Because I know everything will be okay."
Brendon licked his lips while he looked down at Ryan's chest, and he looked up again. "Ryan, I—" Brendon stopped talking when Ryan's thumb slid to the corner of his mouth and he silently stared into Ryan's eyes.
"No, I need..." Ryan gently shook his head and closed his eyes for a second to gather his thoughts and words. He watched his own thumb travel over Brendon's lips, across them and then back to where it started, and he realized that nothing had changed. Nothing could change, because it had been there all along. Ryan brought his hand up a little bit and let his thumb rest near the outside corner of Brendon's eye. "I love you."
Brendon's smile made Ryan's chest throb with a kind of pleasure that he couldn't identify. It was a feeling of happiness and relief that Ryan had never felt before, and instead of letting himself regret not returning Brendon's words until this moment, he made himself watch Brendon's face and realize the effect that his words were having on his friend, even though they were long overdue. Ryan didn't want to have to ever regret anything again. He pulled Brendon's head closer with his fingers and he moved his thumb back, sliding it gently across Brendon's skin and letting it rest in his hair. With his eyes, he realized where he needed to go, and he let them drift shut so his soul could take control of his actions. His head was tilted slightly to the right when he touched his lips to Brendon's and his heart seemed to stop beating for a moment. Everything he felt pointed to the possibility of living without a heartbeat, just as long as he was able to connect with Brendon like this. Ryan knew he wouldn't have any trouble believing it.
The sound of the river seemed distant to them. Every sense that didn't involve each other was blocked out, and the only thing they could do was be grateful for something that, in an instant, both of them knew was long overdue. It was a gentle kiss, but it seemed to last forever with their lips simply touching and seeming to want to stay glued together forever. Ryan finally had to exhale, and he did so gently as he slowly pulled away. Brendon's soft, stunned face stared at him with a thousand pounds of admiration and all the love in the world. This is why people live.
Ryan brought his hands down and they naturally connected with Brendon's as Brendon leaned forward, letting his head lay gently on Ryan's shoulder and this time, he spoke toward the river. "I've waited forever for this."
"So have I."
"We're done waiting, aren't we?"
"We are."
"I love you."
"I love you too." Ryan knew, in his heart, that he should have said these words many times before.
Ryan wouldn't have minded being the river right then, with his arms wrapped completely around his love. As Brendon always said, a river naturally goes on forever, connecting with an ocean at some point and existing forever in at least some form. Just like the water's path, Ryan knew the rapids wouldn't have to last forever. Everything would settle down, and someday, he would reach his ocean. Until then, Ryan was okay with knowing that he could look forward to a time where he would not be looking out at a river and wondering where it leads to, but where he would lay his head down and know that he could continue forever.
Brendon turned his head and laid his face against Ryan's neck. His breath was warm and his skin stuck to Ryan's, but neither of them cared. Brendon lifted his arm and searched for Ryan's hand, which he found almost instantly as Ryan moved to accommodate him. He laced their fingers together and squeezed gently, and he held their hands close to his chest as he focused on the touch that they both depended upon for happiness and security.
Touch. One of the most basic elements of survival, vital in our hands as we use them to experience everything around us. But most important to our existence, touch affects our minds and lets us feel safe and relaxed, and with the warmth of the sun and the endless rush of the water that traveled beside them, it was all that Brendon and Ryan needed to show them that everythingv was going to be okay.

I'll say it straight and plain
I know I've made mistakes
I've always been afraid
I've always been afraid

A thousand nights or more
I travel east and north
Please answer the door

Can you tell me
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me

Get down on your knees
Whisper what I need
Something pretty
Something pretty

I feel that when I'm old
I'll look at you and know
The world was beautiful

Then you tell me...
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me

I'm done, there's nothing left to show
I try but can't let it go
Are you happy where you're standing still?
Do you really want the sugar pill?
I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll start
Tonight it feels so hard
As the train approaches Gare Du Nord
As I'm sure your kiss remains employed
Am I only dreaming?

You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me

When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me

Jimmy Eat World//Polaris