Infinite, sometimes

18

"Hey you." Ryan's adrenaline rush ended and he was able to relax after several agonizing minutes of waiting.
"Hey, what's goin' on?"
"Are you alright?"
"I'll be fine."
"Well what took you so long to call? I was afraid to call you and it took you like ten minutes or something."
"Don't be afraid to call me, you know I like talking to you."
"Well I didn't know what you were doing."
"Don't worry about it. I'm sorry I took so long. You're funny, you know that?"
"No I'm not. Just tell me what you were doing." Ryan was getting aggravated with his paranoia and inability to accept that bad things are not always inevitable.
"I'll tell you what. Are you in your room now?"
"Yeah."
"Could you look out the window real quick?"
"I guess. Hold on." Ryan pushed himself up to position his face in front of the window and his eyes were drawn to a figure coming down the sidewalk.
"Well hello there. Care to come let me in?" Brendon's innocent smile adorned his face and he gave Ryan a small wave with his fingers peeking out from the sleeve of his jacket.
Ryan was not in control of the small laugh that escaped his throat. "What are you doing? I'll be right out, just hold on."
"I wanted to see you. Come let me in."
Ryan saw Brendon take his phone away from his ear and shove it into his pocket before he started running toward the house. Ryan quickly made it to the front door with his heart beating almost loud enough to wake his father. As he pulled it open, Brendon fell forward after leaning his body against the door with his hands. He draped the Blink 182 shirt over Ryan's shoulder and he didn't mind the fact that his hand brushed against Ryan's hair in the process.
"Just be quiet, my dad's asleep. Come on, my room." Ryan didn't speak again until the two of them were securely locked inside his bedroom.
Brendon unzipped his jacket and paused without removing it completely. "Do you mind if I take this off?"
"Why would I mind?"
"I try to keep everything covered, and I always do but I don't know now."
"Hey, you should know better." Ryan grabbed the hood of Brendon's sweater and slid it off of him, letting it fall to the ground. "Don't worry about it. You know I don't mind."
"I just know it's not pretty to look at or anything."
"I don't care about how it looks." Ryan did care. He cared that none of the marks on Brendon's arms looked to be less than a day or two old, and he was instantly relieved after so many minutes of worrying. "I just care about it not happening anymore, alright?"
"I know, that's kind of why I wanted to come here. I didn't wanna disappoint you."
Ryan was surprised by just how much his opinion really mattered to his friend, and he started to think like Spencer again. He put his arms around Brendon's neck and to his surprise, he wasn't afraid. He wasn't uncomfortable when Brendon's arms rested against his back with his hands settling up near his shoulders. Brendon only seemed to try to pull him closer. "I'm glad you talked to me."
"You're going to fucking save me, you know that?"
If Brendon's mouth weren't so close to Ryan's ear, he would not have been able to hear him. All Ryan could do was nod. Even if he wasn't sure that he could save the boy, he knew he would at least die trying. "We'll talk like that without a computer some day."
"I hope I can."
"Come on, it's me, yes you can."
"God, I don't see why you care about me so much." Brendon moved away from Ryan and crossed his arms, pretending to look out the window and trying to rid his mind of the regret that was creeping up on him after sliding out of Ryan's hug.
"I just do. Let me see you." Ryan turned his friend around and lowered his hand to Brendon's right wrist. His fingers came into gentle contact with a patch of unmarked skin on the boy's arm, and Ryan forced a smile. "It looks like it's healing."
Confusion and discomfort built in Brendon's face and it turned into a simple shrug of the shoulders. The one thing Ryan wanted to fix the most happened to be the one thing that Brendon hoped he would just forget about.
"Your arms will look better someday if you'll just give them a break for once."
"It's always gonna make me look bad."
"No, I don't even think it makes you look bad now, but I hope you can wear shirts like this someday because you look really nice."
"I'll just wear them for you, then. Nobody else needs to see me."
Ryan moved both of his hands to adequately hold one of Brendon's between his own. "I don't want you to talk like that. I think everyone needs to see you, really. They're really missing out." Brendon was silent as he let himself show a small smile, and Ryan felt accomplished enough to change the subject. "Did you not wanna keep the Blink shirt?"
Ryan was about to let go of Brendon's hand, but he changed his plans as soon as Brendon adjusted his fingers to get a more comfortable grip, and Ryan decided to just tell himself that it was okay to stand in the middle of his bedroom holding his friend's hand. Judging by the look on Brendon's face, it was completely okay.
"I can't keep something with value like that. I don't want to be responsible for it. But thank you."
"Well do you still think I smell good?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, that's strange because I really need a shower."
Brendon laughed quietly and took his hand back to be able to push his hair behind his ear. He was so caught up in the moment that he seemed to forget that his hair was not quite long enough to require such actions.
"How about you just take this one? It doesn't have sleeves but you know that doesn't bother me." Ryan quickly lifted his shirt over his head and held it out to Brendon, who looked at it with a slightly stunned, confused look on his face. "I know it's hideous but isn't it awesome? I love it. With no emotional attachment, of course, so don't feel bad." He tossed the shirt toward Brendon and walked to his closet to look for something else to wear.
Brendon's eyes could have burned holes in Ryan's back. "Wait, take mine then." He removed his shirt and threw it onto the bed, and he was quick to use Ryan's shirt to cover his body. It was still warm from being on Ryan all day. "It's plain, and... not awesome, but whatever."
"It's alright. It's red, and red looks good on you. Not on me, but I'll live." The shirt was slightly looser on Ryan than his own clothing tended to be. It was mainly loose in the sleeves due to being wrapped around Brendon's smoothly toned arms that held much more substance than what Ryan had hanging from his shoulders. It was gently fitted to Ryan's stomach, though, with the cloth lightly drifting across his body, but it was shorter as well and it almost left his stomach exposed. It danced precariously at the edge of the waistband of his jeans, making sure that Ryan knew that the slightest move would reveal some skin.
"You look fine." Smiling, Brendon threw himself down onto the bed with his legs bent upward, and Ryan sat down and rested his arm on Brendon's knee.
"Now how were you able to come over?"
"My mom thinks I wanted to get some exercise, so if anyone asks, I'm taking a walk until eight fifteen."
"You're great, seriously. We need to talk more whenever Seth isn't stealing the computer from you."
"Yeah he's not gonna be on for a while. Mom's pretty pissed at him still so the computer's mine for the time being."
Ryan hid his excitement over the new development and simply nodded. "Want me to put on any music or whatever? You have about twenty minutes before you need to go, I guess."
"Actually do you mind if we just lay here for a while? I don't really feel like listening to much."
"Sure."
"My bike's still here so I can stay a little longer. Won't take as long to get home."
"Good." Ryan had moved his arm away from Brendon's leg and he had started to examine his already damaged fingers due to lack of words to say.
"Would it be too weird if I asked you to lay down?"
"Not at all."
Brendon moved around slightly but he didn't create any more room on the bed for Ryan; he only made it look like he was making an attempt. His hands were behind his head and he didn't leave Ryan much of a choice as to what to do. "I'm sorry I got like that when we were talking. It just happens sometimes."
Ryan laid on his side and rested his head on Brendon's arm, close to his elbow. "Why did it happen this time? You scared me, you know."
"I don't know. Sometimes I do, but I don't know this time. I was just thinking too much."
"That's good to do sometimes, though."
"Not when you're alone like I was. That's when shit starts to suck."
"You weren't alone, though. I was there the whole time."
"I know, but not like this."
"Like what?"
Brendon didn't want to have to talk. He used his free hand to grab Ryan's thumb and he draped his friend's arm across his chest before he casually returned his own hand to its original position under his head. He knew it was a little forceful, but he wanted to give that 'honesty' thing a valid chance.
"Oh. Yeah, I guess it's different like this."
"I want this all the time. I'm sick of not having friends."
"I want you to have it all the time, trust me. But I can only do so much sometimes."
Brendon closed his eyes and rolled his head sideways a little, ending up with his head against Ryan's and his chest feeling warm inside. "I know, I'm sorry."
"Why would you be sorry?"
"I'm just being stupid."
"Not at all, Bren." Ryan brought his arm a little closer to his own body in order to pull Brendon closer to him. "You're just human. I said before, things like this happen, and I'll be here when they do."
"I liked talking earlier."
"So did I."
"Even if I can't say that stuff now, I still meant it. Everything good and bad, I don't know, I don't care, but I was being honest."
"I'm glad. You know you said some things, and I wouldn't be too happy if you lied about them."
"I'm never going to lie to you. Even when I lie to myself." Brendon knew that this fact meant that he would be saying and doing things and then trying to contradict them in his head, but he had to take the chance.
"I wish you had more respect for yourself than that. I have so much for you."
"I haven't been hating myself as much recently."
"That's wonderful, though, really. When do you, though?"
"I don't know. A lot still. Just not as much. Not right now."
"You don't feel like that right now?"
"Not at all."
"I must be doing something right, then."
Brendon nodded and his hair was soft against Ryan's skin. "What did Spencer do for you? I mean, just, to keep you going or whatever, like you say."
"I'm just doing what he did, really. It helped me and it's all I know how to do. Him and El would just listen to me and we would talk and just lay around, and it helped so much."
"You guys did this?"
"What, exactly?"
"Just laying like this or whatever."
"Oh, yeah. Quite a bit."
"So it's okay for us to do this now?"
"It's more than okay."
Brendon brought his hand out again, this time to rub some life back into his eye. "I just don't want you to think I'm weird for liking it or anything."
"No. I don't think that." Ryan caught Brendon's hand before he could put it back under his head. He brought it down and laced their fingers together and he gently pressed his arm down while it remained across Brendon's chest, because it was the closest thing to a hug he could get at that moment. "I like it too, it's fine. Whatever helps, you know?"
"I'm so tired."
"Too much fighting with what's going on in your head, I suppose."
"I think you know me too well."
"Maybe, but I also know what it's like. You can't fall asleep though. You have to leave soon."
"I want to just stay here again."
"I want that too. But I'll go to your place tomorrow, and then Friday we can all hang out, and Saturday will be amazing."
"Do you think I can stay here this weekend? I'm thinking I might be able to convince my mom. If your dad doesn't care, I can stay Friday and Saturday and not have to go back home at all."
Ryan's eyes widened and he was glad that Brendon couldn't see him. "I would love that. My dad probably wouldn't even notice, but it's fine anyway. Me and him are going fishing Sunday, though, but we will work around it when the time comes."
"That's like two days of not being lonely. Three if you count Sunday. That's gotta be a record for me."
"Well I'm glad you won't be alone."
"You won't be alone either."
"I wish Spencer would have told me about you instead of just telling you about me. Not that I mind, I just really wish I knew you sooner."
"Ry can I tell you something?"
"Anything."
"I like this so much."
Ryan squeezed Brendon's hand and ran his thumb up and down the side of Brendon's finger. "I like it too."
Neither Ryan nor Brendon knew exactly what they were hearing when Ryan's phone started to beep. Ryan made the connection sooner and he grabbed for it, leaning over and inadvertently pressing his chest into Brendon's face. Spencer's message had woke them up before they could even realize they had fallen asleep while laying safely tangled together.
                                                            From: Spence
                                                            Message: yr not online. you ok?
"Bren, hey, you awake?"
Brendon tried to wipe his eyes but he decided to stop and simply turn over and lay his head on Ryan's shoulder, close to laying it on his chest completely. "Kinda. Just let me sleep."
His voice told Ryan that he was barely conscious, and knowing the feeling, Ryan honestly did not want to wake him up and make him feel again. He let his head roll down very slightly to lay his cheek on top of Brendon's head. "When were you supposed to be home?"
"Eight... fifteen, yeah."
"That's what time it is now, Bren. You better go."
"Fuck."
"It's okay, you can call me tonight, I'll be here."
"No, I can't go back if I'm already late." Brendon put his hand in front of his face and gently dug it into Ryan's chest, gathering a fistful of cloth in his hand, gripping his shirt that was being worn by Ryan's body.
"You need to go. You don't want to ruin tomorrow or this weekend." Ryan forced his arm underneath Brendon and wrapped it around him, resting his hand on Brendon's upper arm and gently squeezing as he used his arm to pull Brendon against his own side. "Get on your bike and go home and we can talk later, alright?"
"I don't want to leave this to go back there. The phone isn't this good."
"I know. I know I'm not helping things, sorry. Here." Ryan pried himself off of Brendon and he sat up. "Stretch a bit so you don't die on the way home." He slid to the end of the bed to give Brendon some room to move and he started messing with his phone.
"Why won't you just let me stay here?"
"Bren, please don't make this hard. You know I want you to be here, but you know that can't happen. The longer you stay here the later you'll be, seriously. You need to go."
                                                To: Spence
                                                                Message: yes. im good. email in a sec.
Brendon stood up and slipped his jacket on, zipping it up over the shirt that would be unfamiliar to his parents if they were to see it. "You don't mind if I call you? I probably won't be able to get back on the computer."
"Oh I want you to call me. We can talk all night if you want. I feel awful forcing you to leave like this but you should have been home about two minutes ago." Ryan walked to the bedroom door and opened it before taking Brendon's hand and leading him to the front door in silence.
"I'll call you as soon as I can, okay?"
"I'll be waiting."
Brendon wrapped his arms around Ryan's waist and allowed his face to land on Ryan's shoulder where he stood still momentarily, feeling one of Ryan's hands on his back and the other hand wrapped gently around the back of his neck. "Ry, what does all this mean?"
The skin of Brendon's neck was warm and soft against Ryan's hand and his nose was almost lost in Brendon's hair. "What does what mean?"
"I don't know. Us, I don't know, all this. What does it mean?"
"It means everything."
"I think so too." Brendon squeezed Ryan as forcefully as he could with his sore arms and he pulled away, stepping out the door. "I promise I'll call as soon as I can."
"Don't worry, I'll be here."
"I... yeah, I'll see you later."
"Yeah. Bye."
Ryan leaned against the door frame as he watched Brendon grab his bike and speed off. He reluctantly shut the door, pushing back the urge to run after Brendon, and he headed toward his room. His father's bedroom door was cracked open, pushed shut but not latched, and Ryan made his way inside without making any sound. He listened for his father's breathing and the light snore assured him that the man who lay before him was still okay, fast asleep. He adjusted the blanket and leaned down to drape his arm around his father's upper body. It was a gentle hug that didn't make the man wake up or even move, and Ryan was satisfied.
"Thanks for dinner. Love you, Dad."
Ryan pulled the door shut on his way out and he was grateful for a pleasant evening, although he wished he hadn't had to retreat to his bedroom after the food was gone. This avoidance, however, had made the evening possible, and Ryan was just glad to have had everything stay calm. He didn't want to create any more bad memories.
He was a little uneasy with his growing dependence on Spencer and Ellen, almost afraid of reverting to how he used to be, but Ryan knew that what he really needed was their help and advice instead of needing them to keep him alive. He was afraid to handle Brendon alone and even though the boy made him feel differently about life, he was incredibly happy. Happy but lost, he felt, and Ryan was trying desperately to find a way to tell his friends that he needed to be pulled along a little bit, but he did not want to make it obvious that he was begging for help. Ryan knew how he felt about Brendon, even if he didn't have a name for it.