Infinite, sometimes

24

Walking across the room in the state they were in earned them several concerned stares, many more sets of eyes than Brendon and Ryan had focused on them while they danced, which only helped to show that their peers were a little more capable of human compassion than they had previously thought. Ellen peeled back the decorative paper that was draped across the door to send the message that the hallway behind it was off limits. Miss Davis gave an approving nod, making an exception to the rule based only on the information she had, and she followed the four of them into the hallway with a chair in each hand. Brendon kept his arm tightly around Ryan's shoulders and his other hand was squeezing Ellen's hand as he hoped that she held some sort of cure for everything. He wanted to think that he could help but he only felt useless in the presence of those who had done so much for Ryan. As he sat down across from Ryan, the two chairs facing each other, the look on Ellen's face told him he had to try to do this on his own while she sat next to them.
Spencer held himself together and he took Miss Davis down the hall to explain the things that Ryan finally realized but didn't need to have repeated to him. Ryan's legs were pressed together and Brendon's legs squeezed them from both sides to keep Ryan as close to him as possible. Ryan was leaning forward with his forehead pressed against his arms, which were folded on top of his lap while he tried to make himself as small as possible. Ellen knelt beside Brendon, facing him, while she kept one hand on Ryan's arm and she gently jerked her head to the side to tell Brendon to lean over to her.
Ellen's lips were pressed against Brendon's ear so she could whisper over the slightly muffled music and the quiet sounds Ryan was making. "This is where we don't say anything."
Brendon pulled away and put his mouth next to her ear. "I just wanna talk to him."
"I know him, Bren, and it's not gonna work. We just need to stay with him." Ellen nodded toward Ryan while she maintained eye contact with Brendon, which told Brendon that he had to do something.
Brendon laid his hands on each side of Ryan's head and he slowly moved his fingers, rubbing the back of Ryan's head with his thumbs and purposely getting his fingers tangled in all the hair. He moved from the hair to Ryan's ears, back to his hair, and down around the back of his neck, gently running his fingers along everything, remembering what Ryan had done for him in the days before. If Ryan did it, there was a good chance that Ryan liked it himself. Brendon leaned forward and rested his forehead on the back of Ryan's head in response to his movement. He had lifted Brendon's right hand off of his head and he held it tightly underneath his face, pressing it against his wet lips and holding it there. All Brendon could do was focus on the lips against his hand while he breathed against Ryan's hair. It didn't matter to Brendon how afraid he was, because he wasn't allowed to be afraid. Second thoughts and hesitation would distract him from Ryan--the only thing that mattered--so he followed another example and he pressed his lips against the back of Ryan's head.
With only partial attention, Ellen watched Spencer pace around and press his head against the wall as he talked to Miss Davis, presumably about everything that had gone on with Ryan up until that point. She watched the teacher nod along and offer words that were too far away to hear, and Ellen made brief eye contact with Miss Davis before she pointed in their general direction and started to walk over slowly. Spencer rubbed his hands over his face as if he had not slept in days and he disappeared into the restroom. Miss Davis silently placed her hand on Ryan's shoulder and Brendon lifted his head just enough to roll his eyes up and identify the person that was touching Ryan, but he had no reason to complain and he returned his face to the closeness that it had been sharing with the back of Ryan's head. Ryan's hair was warm from the constant contact with Brendon's hands, but Brendon continued with the same pattern of movement with his fingers.
Spencer reappeared shortly with a bit of toilet paper in his hands and Ellen squeezed Brendon's leg to get his attention. Brendon looked up and Spencer looked tired as he watched Ryan, and Brendon knew he had to end the long silence.
"Hey Ry."
Ryan squeezed the hand that he held against his lips and he pressed it harder against his mouth.
"Hey." Brendon lifted his hand slightly and leaned down and sideways toward the wall, away from everyone else, to see Ryan's face. "Can you look at me?"
Ryan tilted his head upward and his shiny eyes met with Brendon's. "Hey."
"Here." Brendon extended his hand toward Spencer and he quickly handed the tissue to Ryan. Ryan's head went back down again as he wiped his face and he maintained possession of Brendon's hand. Brendon waited to speak until he sensed that Ryan was no longer wiping his face because he needed to, but instead he was just trying to look busy to avoid an even more awkward situation. "How about we get home and get some rest?"
Ryan shook his head and lifted himself to a position that almost resembled normal sitting, but he kept his head down and his eyes fixed on their linked hands.
"You wanna stay here?"
Ryan shook his head and looked at Brendon as if the boy knew where he wanted to go.
Brendon pushed his chair back and stood up, lifting his hand and making Ryan stand up so he could pull him into a hug. They were in the same position as when they were dancing. "Let's just go to the river."
Ryan nodded against his friend's shoulder and his hand dropped down to wrap around Brendon's wrist. He broke away from their hug but he kept Brendon pulled close to him while directing him toward the restroom. Everyone else followed them closer to the door but Ellen held Spencer back from following them inside, her actions defended by the fact that Brendon and Ryan needed to be alone.
Brendon leaned against the wall next to the row of sinks while Ryan cranked several feet of brown paper towel out of the dispenser. Brendon wanted to talk but he was too afraid to say the wrong thing or, even worse, prevent Ryan from saying anything. Ryan smiled at him shyly and he tore some of the paper towel off of the long strip and he ran it under some cold water. Instead of wiping his face with it like Brendon had expected, Ryan pressed the wet paper down into the sink's drain. The sink started to fill with icy water and he leaned on it with both hands as he peered into the mirror. Ryan opened his eyes wide as if he were trying to discover some flaw in them, but Brendon knew that they were perfect even if they were red and tired from a night of temporary denial and years of lasting worry. They were still Ryan's eyes.
"I'm glad we danced, you know."
Brendon pushed himself off of the wall and walked the few steps over to Ryan. "Oh, yeah, so... so am I." He casually stuck a finger into the quickly rising water and he pulled it out to avoid numbness.
Ryan touched his hand to Brendon's chin and lifted his head so he could see Brendon's eyes. "You're a lot better at that than you ever said."
Brendon smiled and glanced back at the water and then back to Ryan's lips. "So are you." He wrapped his arm around Ryan's waist and and hugged him with his face quickly pressed against Ryan's shoulder. He pulled away, still looking down, and his hand shot to the cold water knob on the sink just in time to stop it from overflowing. "Why'd you fill this up?"
Ryan stuck his hand in the water and pulled the paper towel away just enough to let a little water go. "It feels good. Hold this." He shoved the remaining paper towels into Brendon's arms and he lowered his face into the sink. Brendon stared at him with a confused look that Ryan could not see and Ryan shook his head around a couple times before lifting it out to get some air. The tips of his hair that hung down around his face dripped with water. The wet parts were darker than the rest of his hair, almost black from the water that made it clump together at the ends. Brendon listened to the water dripping from Ryan's hair and falling into the sink until he stuck his face back in again.
Ryan opened his eyes this time to let the cold water sting them. They were worn and exhausted and to his surprise, the cold was anything but painful. It was refreshing, even, and the iciness against his warm skin made him relax. The water was stagnant and the sink felt safe and secluded because all he could see was a blur of white porcelain and brown paper towel. He didn't want to lift his head and face the rest of the world, but if he wanted to see Brendon again, he knew he had to. As soon as his head was a good distance from the sink, he felt the paper towels brush up against his face. He took them from Brendon and dried himself off, eventually tending to the pieces of his hair that were soggy.
Brendon pulled the paper out of the drain and tossed it into the trash can. He dried his hand on the towels that Ryan was now simply holding to his face and as he brought his hand back down, he pulled the paper along with it. "Feel better now?"
Ryan's nose and cheeks were red from the water and the rubbing and he nodded, looking at Brendon's hand. "Yeah." He looked up and saw the small, hopeful smile on Brendon's face and he met it with an even bigger, honest smile. "Thanks." He quickly wrapped his arms around Brendon's neck and he pressed the sides of their heads together.
"River?"
"Yeah."
Brendon and Ryan walked out into the hallway with their hands loosely latched at their sides. Ryan wrapped his hand around two of Brendon's fingers and the three that Brendon had left were making small movements around reachable areas of Ryan's hand. No explanation was asked for or given as to what went on in the restroom, and Brendon didn't quite know what his friends would think if he told them that Ryan had stuck his head underwater for a few seconds, but he wasn't sure if he liked the fact that he was being trusted with so much. He knew that they trusted him with whatever happened, that they knew that whatever went on, he had kept everything under control. The four of them headed to the car and Spencer lifted his arm to place it around Ryan's shoulders. It was the first time that Ryan had ever turned Spencer down.
"It's alright, I'm fine."
"What?"
"I'm fine, let's just get going."
Spencer was taken by surprise and he slowed down a bit to look at Ellen. She shrugged and nodded toward the car, her arm linked with Brendon's. He was much more receptive to help from his friend than Ryan had been, although Ryan's grip on Brendon's fingers continued to grow tighter until they reached the car. Spencer was still confused and he flopped down in front of the steering wheel while Brendon let go of Ellen and slid into the back seat, directly behind Spencer. He went first, guided by Ryan's hand on his back, and Ryan shut the door as soon as both of Brendon's feet were inside. Spencer was relatively uninterested as he messed with his seatbelt, but Brendon and Ellen turned to watch Ryan walk to the other side of the car. He climbed in head first and shut the door before falling down onto his back with his head in Brendon's lap. Brendon didn't ask questions and Ellen smiled as she turned back to face the front of the car.
"Now where are we going?" Spencer shifted the car out of park and began to pull away. He made eye contact with Brendon in the rear view mirror and pretty much directed the question to him.
"River, I guess."
"We sure?"
"Yeah." Brendon looked down at Ryan and received no protest. Ryan raised his arm and draped his hand around the back of Brendon's neck while he watched his face silently. Brendon smiled and laid his hand on top of the one that Ryan was doing nothing with.
"We're just gonna have to make my mom think we stayed at the dance. I know she'd be worried and try to make us come home if she knew what happened, alright?"
"Yeah." Brendon spoke as if he was talking to Ryan while he maintained eye contact as if they were communicating with a system of eye movements and blinks. It probably said something, the fact that neither of them really managed to blink at all. Brendon wasn't completely aware of what Spencer mumbled but he knew that it was obviously not important enough for Spencer to say it loudly. Brendon noticed Ellen reach over and grab Spencer's hand to tell him it was time to stop talking and enjoy the silence. She looked back at the two of them and Brendon felt that she knew what was going on.
Brendon was relieved that nothing incredibly awful was developing. Ryan rubbed pieces of Brendon's hair between his fingers when he got tired of simply holding onto the boy's neck, and Brendon watched the subtle changes in Ryan's face. It stayed fairly fixed except for the occasional closing of the eyes. Brendon quickly caught on to the fact that Ryan's eyes appeared glassier each time he opened them back up and Brendon dealt with this internally. He didn't want to cause a scene, simply because it was obvious that Ryan didn't want to either. Ryan made no sound as he repeatedly closed his eyes, squeezing them gently, allowing water to trickle out of them once he opened them again. The fact that he couldn't say anything about what Ryan was doing made Brendon feel even more helpless, so he decided to try to do something without words.
Brendon took his left hand off the door handle and he put his palm against the top of Ryan's head. His thumb was placed rather uselessly on Ryan's forehead, but he gave it some purpose by allowing it to gently glide over the skin and move some hair around. He lifted his right hand away from Ryan's left and he used the sleeve of his jacket to wipe the majority of the wetness from Ryan's face because his skin was simply not absorbent enough to dry Ryan's face altogether. With most of the warm saline wiped away, only the areas immediately surrounding Ryan's eyes were reflecting the light of the street lamps that they drove under.
A quick upward glance confirmed to Brendon that Spencer was not exactly headed toward the river. "Where we going?"
"We're not expected home until sometime after midnight. Thought we'd drive a little before we go over there. That alright?"
Brendon looked down at Ryan's quiet face and Ryan nodded slightly. "Yeah."
"Ry asleep back there?"
Brendon continued staring at Ryan's face and his open, wet eyes. "Almost."
Spencer nodded and turned the knob on the radio because he was familiar with Ryan's ability to sleep with music playing. Ryan even preferred it in many cases. He found a station at the lower end of the spectrum and it was playing something old and crackly even though it was coming in as clear as a radio station could. The age of the music made it sound like they were driving miles away from civilization and away from any clear signals, which didn't seem too out of the question, because Spencer seemed to be driving away from town. Lights were becoming fewer and the car picked up speed as the speed limit doubled outside city limits. Brendon wiped his thumb across Ryan's lower eyelid and he imagined the music to be something out of the 1920's or 30's; something he would have never listened to before this point, but something that he figured he would enjoy from that point forward. Brendon wiped his wet finger on the collar of Ryan's jacket and he returned it to Ryan's face again, this time catching a newly fallen drop from his eye before it had time to fall down into his ear.
Brendon used the side of his thumb to hold back the stream that was falling steadily from Ryan's eye. Slowly, over the previous several minutes, Brendon had successfully pulled Ryan's head to rest against his stomach, allowing anything that fell from Ryan's right eye to be captured by his jacket. Or rather, Ryan's jacket, but Brendon was fairly certain that Ryan had relinquished ownership the second he saw him wearing it. Brendon lifted his eyes as Ellen started to move. She lifted her purse off the floor by her feet and she dug around in it for a second before turning around and making eye contact with Brendon. She positioned it on the floor behind her seat and as her hand left the bag, she brought with it piece of white tissue. She casually laid it on Ryan's leg, looking at Brendon once more to make sure he knew what to do, and Brendon smiled. She faced forward again, and with Spencer thinking she only moved her bag to have more leg room, she returned her hand to his once again.
Brendon brought his eyes back down to Ryan's face while gathering the soft tissue in his hand. He folded it over a couple times into a sloppy square and he gently pressed it against Ryan's eye. Ryan licked his lips as he sucked both of them into his mouth and he quickly released the top one, holding the bottom lip captive between his teeth. Brendon tilted Ryan's head away from his stomach and he wiped over Ryan's wet, neglected right eye. He pulled his hand away to dry the other eye again, but Ryan had them both squeezed shut and he grabbed Brendon's hand before he could even make it back to the other eye. Brendon tried to continue moving, but Ryan wouldn't let him. He turned his head to lay his face against Brendon's stomach.
"Okay. Sit up real quick." Brendon whispered and he immediately shifted himself down in his seat. Ryan pulled himself halfway up by grabbing some part of the car that Brendon couldn't see. Brendon lifted his knees and pressed them against the back of Spencer's seat and his feet ended up dangling several inches above the floor mat. His neck bent sharply with his chin almost ready to dig into his chest, and his head was pressed against the backrest while his lower back rested close to the edge of the seat. Ryan looked at him, desperate for a sign. Brendon nodded and lifted his arms up slightly to make room for Ryan to lay down, and Ryan fell back down onto Brendon, this time laying on his side. Brendon's head was elevated a little bit above Ryan's, allowing Ryan to look up at his friend and use his eyes to beg for help. He couldn't keep his eyes open for long and he pressed his face against Brendon's chest. The odd angle of Brendon's body made it impossible for Ryan to completely hide his face and the constant pressure from Brendon's lips against his left eye was all it took for Ryan to feel safe enough to quietly let everything go. Ellen had distracted Spencer with small talk to keep him from worrying even more, but aside from previously turning her head to smile at their new position, even Ellen didn't know what was happening with Ryan. He was able to keep it between Brendon and himself.
Brendon knew he was doing all he could do and he recognized the one good sign that was hidden in what Ryan was doing. If Ryan didn't trust him, this wouldn't be happening. Ryan wrapped both of his arms around Brendon's thin body and held him in what seemed like a permanent hug. Brendon closed his eyes and he kept his lips against Ryan's eye, even though the salt in the warm liquid was stinging his slightly cracked lips. The two of them were tangled together, there in the back seat, with Brendon's right arm wrapped over Ryan's body and his left hand slowly moving around underneath Ryan's hair. Brendon didn't know where the car was headed until Spencer started to turn it around and he figured that he was going to their original destination, but Brendon didn't mind that they had been driving aimlessly. He didn't mind anymore. Brendon quietly hummed along with the obvious pattern in the music. Like Ryan, he was quiet enough that everything stayed between the two of them. The humming caused gentle vibrations from Brendon's lips and Ryan's body tingled as they hit his eye. It made him feel closer to Brendon than he had ever been and he continued to let everything pour out of what felt like a hole that had been torn into his chest with a blunt knife. Brendon's clothes were soaked from being against his face, but at that moment everything felt entirely too warm for Ryan to be bothered by it.
~~~~~~~~~~
"It's so clear tonight." Ryan's face was an icy blue from the pale moonlight as he looked up to the sky. "Never knew there were so many stars."
Brendon nodded to agree and he looked toward Spencer and Ellen. They were walking side by side along the edge of the water, heading in the opposite direction, once again leaving Brendon alone. "I like how they reflect on the water."
"We need to go on a cruise sometime."
"Why?"
"Can you just imagine... at night, when everything's black and you're in the middle of some ocean and the stars are bright... you can't really tell where they sky ends and the water begins, you know? It's just all black with the little lights and I'm sure it looks amazing." Ryan let his jacket fall to the ground and he pulled his shirt away from his body a couple times to move it around. The fabric was wrinkled from being gathered underneath Ryan's jacket. It was too big around his small body and it had spent all night shoved inside the tiny jacket, which made it look like Ryan had slept for days while wearing it.
"It would be a little creepy with everything... I don't know, everything so open and just so..."
"But it would be pretty."
"It would."
"You wouldn't be scared, would you?"
"Oh, I... no... no, you'd be there."
Ryan moved his eyes away from the water and he picked up his jacket while walking back toward the trees. "Why don't you put this on, yours is kind of a mess."
"Nah, I'm alright." Brendon started to mess with a couple buttons. "It's kinda warm. I'm just gonna take it off."
Ryan sat down on the cement and watched Brendon. He was holding his jacket in his arms and his head was turned while he watched Spencer and Ellen stand so far away that he could barely see their mouths moving. He still wasn't sure if he could do exactly what Ryan needed, but he had to just let himself trust what Ellen had said to him. Ryan extended an arm and Brendon's attention snapped back to him. "Well, hey there."
Brendon smiled and tossed his jacket aside so he could sit down.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I was just watching them."
"They're cute."
"Yeah." Brendon moved to find a good way to position Ryan against his body, but before he could think, he found himself completely wrapped in Ryan's arms.
"Bren?"
"Yeah?"
"You're so damn good."
"How am I good?"
"I can't even explain it. You just are."
"I'm glad you think so." Brendon stretched his legs out in an odd position so he could rest his head against Ryan's chest.
"I'm gonna prove it to you somehow."
"But I believe you."
"Then why aren't you happy?"
Brendon had to remind himself of the glares he received in the car earlier that night. "I'm okay, Ryan."
"You don't seem like it."
"I don't think any of us are really that happy right now, though."
"You guys should be fine."
Brendon didn't know how to respond. He searched for Ryan's hand and he had to pull one of Ryan's arms down before he was able to wrap their fingers together.
"Sorry." Ryan pressed his face against the top of Brendon's head.
"For what?"
"Tonight was fun, I promise. I don't know what happened. I just feel bad for cutting everything short."
"Ryan, I don't want you to feel like that."
"I just ruined all of this for everyone."
"Can I tell you something?"
"Of course."
"I wasn't surprised when that happened to ya out there."
Ryan was quiet and he tightened his fingers around Brendon's hand while looking down to watch his own movements.
"You know how you've told me that I'm just human?"
"Because you don't like feeling certain ways and I just want you to know that it happens to other people sometimes."
"Yeah."
"Yeah." Ryan raised their linked hands and he pressed his forearm against his eyes for a moment.
"Well. So are you." Brendon forced himself into an upright position and he stubbornly placed one arm around Ryan's shoulder. "There's nothing wrong with what you're doing. You're strong, Ry, but you're a person."
Ryan didn't want to argue. He could have, but he knew he wouldn't win. He decided not to fight the arm around his shoulder and he leaned sideways to rest himself against Brendon. Ryan watched Spencer and Ellen slowly walk toward them and he let his fingers explore Brendon's knee again, more gently this time around. "I don't want you guys to leave after tomorrow."
"Spencer's staying with you for a while."
"I want you there too."
Brendon picked Ryan's hand up off his knee and he held it against his lips as if he were talking to it. "I know."
"You're gonna make sure you're with me."
"How?"
"We're gonna talk to your mom tomorrow."
"Ryan, I don't know..."
"You're going to tell her what happened and you're not going to school Monday."
"Ry..."
"You're staying with me Monday."
Brendon lifted his head and the look on Spencer and Ellen's faces told him that they were close enough to hear what Ryan had demanded. Brendon knew better than to argue with him. He closed his eyes and pressed his cheek against Ryan's head. "Okay."  Brendon readily accepted Ellen's hand as she tried to pull him up, but he just held it much like Ryan was once again holding onto his knee. Brendon needed something to hold on to after making a promise to Ryan that he wasn't quite sure that he would be able to keep.
"Hey Ryan." Spencer sat down on the dirty ground directly in front of Ryan. "Can we talk?"
"Sure."
Ellen tugged at Brendon's hand and she pulled hard enough to lift him off the cement a couple of inches.
Spencer grabbed Ryan's hand as it still seemed to reach for Brendon. "El wants to talk to him about something for a minute, it's fine."
Ryan nodded, not sure of how 'fine' it really was, but he knew it was okay. Spencer smelled so good, even though there was a small distance between them.
Ellen pulled Brendon close to her with her arm around his waist and she walked away with him, toward where she and Spencer had stood earlier, and she waited until they were fairly alone to speak. "How're you doing?"
"I'm alright."
"Ryan?"
"I wish you guys would help me."
"We're helping, don't worry. How is he?"
"He's... I don't know... he's kind of talking, I guess, he seems okay.... I mean, as okay as he can be, maybe, I don't know, you guys know him better than I do, and—"
"Brendon, that's not true, and it doesn't matter anyway. You notice he's sticking to you a little more tonight?"
"What do you mean?"
"He's talking to you a little more, instead of us, you notice that?"
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It doesn't bother us. Well, me, anyway. Spencer's worried, but that's just him being a mom, I guess. Bren, if Ryan wants you, then you're what he needs to have. We're still here, but he's all yours right now."
"Spencer said you wanted to talk to me about something."
"Oh, well, it's actually him wanting to talk to Ryan, but I figured I could have some time with you."
"Oh." Brendon lifted a nervous hand out from its hiding place in his pocket and he put his arm around her shoulders. "Thanks."
"I know we're all concerned about that kid right now, but I just want to make sure you're alright, yourself."
"I am. I'm just not thinking about much right now. I don't know, I just need to keep myself together, like you said."
"I'm glad you know that. But my offer still stands, you know." Ellen chuckled. "I've been friends with Ryan forever so even though it hasn't happened in a long, long time, I still know how to handle frequent breakdowns from my friends so if you need anything, seriously, I'm not gonna get mad at you and turn you down or anything. Same goes for once all this blows over, whenever that is, and you can go back to Ry. Me and Spence aren't going anywhere."
Brendon looked at Ellen and he saw bright honesty in her face, framed by straight red hair and highlighted by her characteristic grin. He turned to face her and his right arm joined his left around her neck. She hugged him in return and Brendon had an idea of where Ryan learned how to give hugs.
"We love you, Kid. What was Ry saying about Monday?"
"He insists that I stay with him." Brendon let go of Ellen's neck but he still searched for her hand and he held it tightly once he found it. "He said we'll go talk to my mom and I'm not going to school Monday and I'm staying with him."
"And you..."
"I want to."
"I know you do."
"But I think my mom will just end up smacking me again if I even mention it to her. Hell, I think the only reason she let me stay out this weekend was because I pissed her off so much that she was glad that she wouldn't need to look at me until tomorrow night."
"You should talk to her first before you assume that's why she let you stay out."
"I don't need to talk to her. I know that's why."
"Hey." Ellen squeezed Brendon's hand and started to swing their arms back and forth gently. "Why don't we just give it a shot, since that's what Ryan wants, okay? All four of us can go over tomorrow and talk to her and we'll all be with you, I'm sure it'll be fine."
Brendon watched the water and bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from getting too worked up over nothing.
"You just need to try to do this for Ryan; I know you wanna help him."
Brendon's cheek was still between his teeth and he mumbled quietly. "I'd give my fucking life to save that kid."
"Huh?"
"Nothing." Louder this time.
"Did you say you'd give your life for him?"
Brendon exhaled loudly while he licked his lips. He looked at the ground in confirmation, but he didn't want to speak.
"I'm glad there's someone that loves him as much as he deserves." Ellen turned around when she heard gravel crunching under four quickly moving shoes as they approached them. "You're so good for him and I know he's good for you. There's nothing to worry about." She let go of Brendon's hand with one final squeeze and she looked at Spencer, who partially ignored her as he walked up to them.
Spencer lifted Brendon's hand and he took charge of placing it in Ryan's hand, which he held by the wrist. Brendon smiled instinctively upon seeing Ryan's eyes and he pulled his quiet friend into one of their usual hugs.
Spencer responded to what was one of Ellen's nonverbal questions. "He said he wanted to be with Brendon right now, so I made it happen."
Their walk to the car was quiet with Ellen walking quickly to catch up with Spencer several paces ahead of Brendon and Ryan. Brendon couldn't make out anything that the two of them were saying so he decided to enjoy the quiet walk with Ryan's hand lost somewhere inside his own. He didn't ask any questions. Ryan walked with the same careful confidence that Brendon had always seen him carry, and it was the first time Brendon walked more steps looking up at someone than he walked while staring at the ground. They walked in the opposite direction of the river's current almost like they were fighting some unseen force, but no matter how much they tried, they couldn't stop something that was meant to happen and last forever.
There was no car in the driveway when they arrived at Ryan's house, so Spencer's story about how they left the dance a few minutes early to beat traffic was useless. The kitchen light was on and it illuminated the long lost family dinner table that had obviously been moved back home. A pile of belongings sat in the center with a note laying on top and Spencer stepped aside to read it. While Ryan and Brendon headed back to the bedroom, Ellen stayed with Spencer as he gathered his clothing and computer bag, and he read that his mother had brought him and Ellen some things and she would return in the morning with Ryan's mother.
Brendon was a little surprised when Ryan asked him for a notebook and a pen, and honestly, Ryan wasn't too sure about himself, either. It had been too long since he had written anything on paper, anything other than what he said to Brendon. Anything with any other kind of emotion always went on his computer and Ryan was nervous about taking pen to paper for his own thoughts and ramblings for the first time since learning about the internet.
"I just need to do something." Ryan sat down with his back against the wall and his knees bent over the side of the bed.
"Well, this one's empty, so I guess you can just have it. I brought others. I never know when I'm gonna fill one of these damn things up."
"You write that much?"
"I told you about the box I have."
"The box you're going to show your mom so she knows what you like to do?"
Brendon was screaming refusals in his head. "Yeah. Those."
Ryan opened the notebook to the first page. "Just stay with me right now."
"I'm not leaving." Brendon sat down on the bed and he laid his face on Ryan's shoulder.
Although it was empty, Ryan pulled the notebook against his chest and he knew why Brendon tried so hard to lay on top of whatever he was writing in school.
"I won't watch you. I'm just gonna lay here next to ya."
"Thanks Bren."
Brendon picked the blanket up off the floor and he curled up near the foot of the bed. He pressed the top of his head against Ryan's thigh and he closed his eyes. Brendon's hand gently rubbing Ryan's knee was the only thing that let Ryan know that Brendon was still conscious, but even if he had been sleeping, Ryan was just glad to have him there. Ryan's eyes constantly moved from his writing to Brendon's head and back to what he was writing, because he couldn't keep his mind off of how beautiful Brendon was when he was simply able to lay down and close his eyes.
Ryan was almost oblivious when Spencer and Ellen entered the room. They watched him but left him alone after Spencer opened up his computer and they busied themselves with the internet. Ryan appreciated the lack of questions because he didn't yet want to explain what was pouring out of him. It was something that he had to do; words he had to say because it was the only chance he had left to say them. Ryan was still on the emotional high he got from the calm walk along the river while holding the hand of someone that loved him, and he used his sudden flood of hopefulness to get certain things down on paper before he had a chance to forget them. Ryan was sick of regretting everything. The boy laying beside him was the first thing he knew he was never going to regret, and Ryan wanted to make sure that he didn't have the chance to regret anything else.