Infinite, sometimes

27

Spencer had found it hard to look at Ryan's mom ever since the night she left and removed herself from the situation that Ryan had somehow found the strength to stay in. Even though her leaving triggered something in Ryan that made him change, Spencer had still been the one who stayed with Ryan that night. He couldn't move past the fact that Ryan's mother had left her son even though she was aware of exactly what kind of state he had been in during the time leading up to her decision. He knew she loved Ryan, but that sudden act of abandonment had left Spencer feeling even more protective than before, as well as leaving Ryan with the lasting idea that he couldn't trust anyone to take care of him except himself. In a perfect world, Spencer knew he would be able to grab Ryan's mother by the neck and shake her, letting her know exactly how much danger in which she had been willing to put her son, but in a perfect world, Spencer's best friend would have never had to feel any pain at all. If Ryan had moved on so well, Spencer knew he had to reluctantly let go of the past.
"Liz, hey, is uh... is my mom here?" Spencer was busy taking in the sight of the once familiar living room. It wasn't back to normal, but the return of a couple chairs and lamps made it a lot more like it had been earlier in the year.
Ryan's mom looked up from the book she was reading and she placed it, open, over her knee. "She went home for a little bit, I think I'll head over there before too long, before I go back to my... the apartment, for the night. Where is he?"
Spencer shrugged and shook his head. "He was walking somewhere with Brendon."
"I don't think I know anything about this guy, so I'd rather you guys be with Ryan..."
Ellen spoke up before Spencer had a chance to make a comment about wondering why Elizabeth had such a sudden concern for Ryan. "Brendon's good..."
"Is he?"
"I wouldn't want Ryan to be with anyone else."
"Well, I was never really introduced..."
"He's a lot like Ry, they're... they're really close friends, and we like him too, so..."
"I just don't want him to end up stranded somewhere if this kid decides to go do something else."
Ellen was honestly offended by what she felt was a direct stab at Brendon, and she knew just how badly Ryan would react if he had heard the things his mother was saying. "Brendon doesn't even want that to happen to himself, so I know he would never do that to Ryan."
            "I'll just have to trust you on that one because as long as he's okay, he needs to be happy."
            Ellen nodded, glad that her boyfriend had retreated to Ryan's bedroom. Elizabeth picked up her book and leaned back into her soft chair when it became clear that Ellen couldn't say anything that had not already been said.
            It was obvious where Ryan got some of his coping mechanisms. He shared his mother's preferences, choosing to be quiet and yet keep people close, but Ryan seemed to take it to extremes. While his mother liked to sit down with a book and have her friends on speed dial when life started to become overwhelming, Ryan would curl up in bed or on the floor and seal himself off, saying almost nothing, but not caring enough to hide any of his emotions. The things he did to himself and the way he would physically reach out and hold on to someone were enough to show Spencer and Ellen that Ryan couldn't be alone. It was odd for them to see Ryan talking as much as he had been ever since everything had overflowed at the dance. They knew he was talking to Brendon, and to do something like that was almost uncomfortably unlike Ryan. What was like Ryan, though, were the awkward silences where he gladly accepted any physical affection that was offered to him, as well as his apparent refusal to let go of someone. Ellen was okay with the fact that it was Brendon who Ryan did not want to let go of, and Spencer was okay with it as well, to a certain extent, because they knew that Brendon was making their friend feel things that he needed to feel. But Spencer was like a young mother dropping her child off at preschool for the first time, where the teacher is amazingly kind, beautiful, loving, and well certified, but the mother knows her son more than anyone else does; so much so that she can always read the expression on his face and know exactly what he needs. Like a mother trusting someone else with the life of her child for the first time, Spencer was starting to feel like there was too much at risk. It didn't help that Ryan was not the least bit hesitant, because all that mattered to him was knowing that Brendon cared about him in the same way that he cared about Brendon, whatever way that happened to be. Spencer wasn't prepared to see Ryan warm up to another friend so quickly.
            With each sloppy step that they took, Brendon and Ryan gently collided with each other in a not-so-accidental moment of apparently normal contact. Usually it was their arms and elbows, as Ryan had his hands stuck in his pockets in an attempt to stop the picking and, despite the heat, Brendon hid his hands safely inside the front pockets of his hoodie.
            "What all do we want from here?"
            "Well, this..." Brendon grabbed a bottle of water out of the refrigerator after deciding against a soda. "Coffee isle. Should work better than soda."
            Ryan looked questioningly at Brendon, but Brendon was walking too quickly to notice. "Hun, I think it might take a little more than a bottle of water and coffee to make... coffee... unless we go over to appliances, and... okay, what in the world are we doing here again?"
            Brendon scanned the shelves of whole coffee beans. "You said your head hurts."
            "Yeah..."
            "How long has it been since you had any sort of caffeine?"
            "Oh, yeah... yeah, point taken. But I stand by my theory that we're gonna need to do just a little more than buy some coffee and water..."
            "Nah, watch this." Brendon stuck his hand under one of the coffee bean dispensers and he quickly pressed a lever with his thumb. "Just eat them." He tilted his head back and tossed a few beans into his mouth, chewing quickly.
            Ryan grinned and rolled his eyes. "God, what have I got myself into this time?"
            Brendon swallowed and gave Ryan an exaggerated grin to show the multitude of brown specks that were stuck between his teeth. His tooth display turned into an honest smile as Ryan was unable to hold back a laugh and a grin that were shyly hidden with his hand, but Brendon wished Ryan hadn't hid what he hadn't seen him do enough of recently. "That's what this is for." Brendon twisted the cap off of the water and took a drink to rinse his mouth out. "Now grab a bag of these so I can pay for this crap and not get us arrested for eating things without paying."
            Ryan continued to smile, or at least smirk, while he ran his eyes up and down the shelves. He was drawn to the familiar brand that was always at home, and while it wasn't the cheapest, it wasn't the most expensive. Brendon noticed him staring, and he took it upon himself to take what Ryan was looking at and head up to the front of the store.
          They were halfway to Ryan's house when Ryan's phone rang. He had to clear his mouth with a drink of water before he could talk, which resulted in a delayed answer. "Hey you."
            "Are you alright?"
            "Yeah, I'm fine. What's wrong?"
            "Just concerned."
            "Don't be, we're fine. Where are you guys?"
            "Just leaving your house. We went back for a bit... talked to your mom, but she just left as well..."
            "How is she?"
            "Alright. Reading, mainly, and I guess she was going to my house before going back to the apartment."
            "Yeah. Well, we're on our way back, but if you're leaving..."
            "We just wanted to go take showers and stuff; we weren't planning on being gone long. Just stopping by the houses for a bit."
"Just take your time."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, we'll be fine."
"Well hey, just... we'll have our phones on, so..."
"Alright. Can we use your computer?"
"Sure, why?"
"Brendon might get bored if he has to sit there and watch me so I figured he could use yours."
"Yeah, that's fine."
"Alright, we'll be at the house whenever you get back."
"We love you, Kid."
"Love ya too."
Ryan chuckled and stuck his phone back into his pocket. He reached for some more coffee beans and chose to not say anything, but looking at Brendon's fingers wrapped around the bag of coffee intrigued him enough to make him brush the back of his hand over them as he moved his hand away.
"What's goin' on with them?"
"They're going home for a bit."
"Why?"
Ryan laughed. "Well, aren't you bored from all this sitting around and doing nothing all weekend?"
"No, I'm... I'm fine with what we've been doing."
"You shouldn't be. We haven't done anything."
"Did you really want to do anything, though?"
Ryan shrugged and pulled the bottle of water away from Brendon's lips as soon as Brendon was done taking a drink. "I wanted to."
"I've liked being with you, so I haven't been..."
"I never thought I'd be eating coffee like peanuts. This can't be a good thing." Ryan grinned as he tossed a few more beans into his mouth.
Brendon moved along with the sudden change in subject. "Yeah, I do it a lot, but I learned to be careful. My mom had a fucking bitchfit when she saw me."
Ryan grinned and turned his head. "I shouldn't laugh, I'm sorry."
"No, it's... alright..."
"I just see you hovering over a bag of coffee and your mom runs in and starts throwing chairs."
Brendon only had to partially force a smile after he saw Ryan's visible amusement. "Yeah, I guess."
"I'll let you eat coffee if it makes you happy. I know you have me hooked."
"How's your head feel?"
"It's better."
"That's good." Seeing Ryan's house in the distance, Brendon rolled the top of the bag shut and he shoved it into his jacket pocket. He looked at the ground as he lifted his arm and wrapped it around Ryan's shoulders. Ryan instantly moved closer and the two of them looked like they were physically attached at the side as they walked. Seeing Ryan's fingers nervously twist the bottle cap around made Brendon feel uneasy. He folded his hand over and slowly, continuously rubbed his knuckles up and down a small section of Ryan's upper arm. "So where's Spencer going, exactly?"
"Home for a bit, probably to El's place as well. They wanna bathe or whatever. I say it's overrated. If everyone was filthy, nobody would mind the smell." Ryan nodded with a serious look on his face as he looked at Brendon, but he soon slipped into a quick fit of laughter as Brendon leaned over and pretended to smell him, but the pretending only came in the form of Brendon trying to act like Ryan smelled awful.
Brendon grinned and nervously tugged at his hair. "You mind if I take a shower when we get back?"
"Not at all."
"I hate feeling dirty."
"You're not, though."
"I just feel gross."
"Well, I wouldn't touch you if you were dirty." It was a blatant lie, but Ryan could bend the truth in harmless ways if it helped Brendon's confidence. "I have a lot of internet to catch up on, though. I'll do that while you're busy."
"Won't take me long."
Ryan nodded to acknowledge what was said and he gave the water to Brendon before folding his arms tightly. Brendon's arm was still around him, and Ryan slipped his fingers underneath Brendon's fingers that rested against his arm, as if he needed to give Brendon something to hold on to that would make him stay.
Brendon watched from the bedroom as Ryan pulled a towel out of the linen closet. Ryan walked toward him, unfolding the towel and holding it lengthwise. He spread his arms and wrapped the towel around Brendon's body as he pushed him down onto the bed, falling on top of him but rolling off to the side with the boy still in his arms. "Now you can't move. Whatcha gonna do now?"
"Stay here, I guess. I can live with this." Brendon looked up and gave Ryan a defiant smile, proving that this little instance of cause and effect had gone as according to plan for the both of them. "Are we staying here for the rest of the night?"
"Yeah, I..." Ryan's voice got quiet and he looked as if he was asking Brendon for some sort of permission. "I'd like to stay here."
"Me too, I'll just put my pajamas back on... your mom's not coming back over, then?"
"I guess not."
"Then I'm just gonna wear your shirt again."
"Yeah." Ryan sat up and pulled the towel off of Brendon. "Take your jacket off." He stood up and grabbed the shorts and shirt that Brendon had been wearing to bed. He wrapped them up inside the towel and sat them on the bed, turning his attention to Brendon's now naked arms. "Let me see..."
Brendon looked away while Ryan held both of his wrists and examined the skin on his arms. "Nothing's really open anymore. Does it hurt at all?"
"Not much, maybe a little. Kind of itchy, really."
"Well, I want you to do something for me... just scrub over it gently, and it won't hurt if you don't do it too hard. Just enough to clean it up a bit. Since it itches, it'll feel good while you do it... just clean it up a bit, and I have some stuff to put on it when you get done."
Brendon nodded and didn't feel like asking questions since he felt like Ryan knew what he was talking about. He picked up the clothes and towel, as well as his bag.
"Everything in that bathroom is mine, so go ahead and use anything you want."
"Alright. Hey, question..."
"Yeah?"
"Since my mom wants to talk to me, and since I am completely inept unless I'm talking to you, do you think I should email her with what I want to say so I don't have to say it to her face?"
"Oh, uh... I don't really know what kinda person she is, but in general, that should work... just tell her you'll still talk to her, but you wanted to write everything out so it would make sense, maybe?"
"Yeah. I just wanted to know what you thought before I started thinking of what to say."
"It's fine. Just go get clean and get back to me, Kid."
Brendon grinned and let his hand fall away from the doorknob as he walked away, letting the bathroom door click quietly as he pushed it shut, and Ryan was now alone. He stared at his open bedroom door and he didn't let himself think for very long about having it open or closed or needing to lock it. He instantly didn't like the fact that he had been left alone with himself, but he wasn't completely alone once his back was against the wall and his warm computer was sitting on his lap. He checked his usual things, and words from all the friends he had never met quickly flooded the screen. They were in the form of comments on the last thing he wrote, as everyone had understood everything he said, and it was obvious that people had a difficult time thinking of how to respond. One thing meant a lot to Ryan, though, and that was the fact that he had never before had so many people telling him that they believed that he could hold on. Everything in the past had always seemed to carry a message of pure apologetic sympathy, having almost no faith in Ryan's ability to not fall apart, but it was different this time. Everyone believed in him.

I feel like I owe you guys some sort of explanation. I know you all got the picture, and really, thank you guys. You are all too wonderful and you are beautiful people. I've been surrounded by nothing but beautiful people this weekend, both literally and figuratively. Words mean so much to me and you all know that, and I love you for it.
I still don't want to think. I'm sick of feeling and I'm sick of needing to realize certain things, so I kind of keep choosing not to. I can't say I haven't been scared at all. I'm not going to sit here and lie and pretend that I still feel like I have total control over my life like I felt back on Thursday. There's someone with me who I know (&hope) will never leave me, and without him, I would quit. It's amazing that someone can have such an affect on you that they make you want to breathe even when it hurts to, just because the pain lets you know that you're still awake enough to hold their hand. With him, I know that somehow this is all going to be worth it... in the end, I don't know. Okay, so I just hope because it's all I can do. I'll be honest, I have felt empty since that night. I will spare you the gory details about what it's like to feel like your entire chest has just been torn out and there is nothing you can do about it. I am fucking terrified but I can't say that I don't feel safe, at least somehow... I love love. "Ryan has the most incredible friends." It's true.
I still haven't thought about things enough. It will hit me sooner or later and you'll know when because I'll probably disappear for a few days. Estimate: tomorrow, probably. But as for now, I'm trying to look at a certain face whenever I have my eyes open just so I can smile as much as possible before I forget how to do it for a while. I see him and I hold his hand and I just think, 'yeah, this is why I live.' He's so unhappy, and I just want to fix it. He deserves so much better.
But I got on here to give an explanation, now that I'm a little more able to say things.
It was a car accident. Friday evening. Leaving work, someone was drunk, not him. Insert irony here, and insert Ryan cutting this short. <3

allalonerightnow
--RR