Infinite, sometimes

19

From: "Spence" <OMGitzSpenz@mail.com>
RE: hi
Date: Today, 2:53 am
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
you. hey. listen.
We love you to death, you know that? I called Ellen when I saw this and we read it together so I'm kinda replying for her so she doesn't piss her mom off by sitting here at damn near 2 in the morning. Sorry it's taken me so long to respond but we read it and talked for a while so I'm just now getting to it, but knowing how you are, you'll get it soon enough. You and your computer, I swear, I could sell your lungs on ebay and you'd be fine as long as you had your computer.
Anyways. So. You seem scared, and we want you to know that you shouldn't be. Just so you know, we believe that you're okay. I know how you are when you're truly not okay, and I don't see that in you right now. I do think things are getting better with your dad, slowly but surely, and I thought it was awesome with dinner tonight and everything. I want to see him get better just as much as you do. Don't forget about all the stuff he used to do with me and you when we were little. He was like my second dad or something, really. I know you don't like talking about him, so I'll stop. Just had to get that out there.
So anyway. I read your conversation with Bren, and I'm kind of at a loss. But I'll try here. I definitely see why you're so scared, but El and I both want you to know that you're doing just fine. The things you guys said to each other were perfect, really, and honestly? We love you, Ry, but I can tell that Brendon can offer you a lot more than we ever can. That doesn't mean we are leaving you or want you to choose him over us. It just means that there are two different relationships here: you and us, and you and Brendon. Maybe neither of them are extremely different, but you and Bren are much more like me and Ellen than you are like me and you, if that makes any sense. That's the truth as I see it, and I hope it doesn't scare you. I won't say any more about it unless you do because I do not want to run your life... you're my friend, and I love you enough to let you decide things on your own, as long as you are not hurting yourself. The fact that you are wanting to do this right just shows me that you're not hurting yourself.
I'm glad you know that you have a date for the dance. It's only part of what I want to hear from you, but again, I am staying out of it. I'm still here, watching, ready to act if something goes wrong, but I trust you with this. You're the best kid I know, Ryan, and Brendon is right up there too. You two fit together and I'm glad the four of us can stick together now. The reason we didn't introduce you two earlier was because we didn't think you needed a ton of people or any huge change... sure, call me a mom, but I was just trying to look out for you. Things were so hard for you for so long and the only constant thing that you had was me and Ellen, so we decided to not complicate things further and start to bring our outside lives into yours. We were just trying to keep you going, and I was almost afraid that if we ever talked about other friends, you'd think you were being replaced. I'm sorry if this makes you mad or whatever, but just know that I regret not letting you know about him. You two are right — you would have been able to help each other a lot and I feel bad for never noticing that Bren was very unhappy. But you're together now, and that's all that should really matter. Just focus on that for a while... it's clear that he needs you terribly, and since you're better now, I trust you with this. I don't know what I did right, but whatever I did, just do it for him. El and me are gonna be here for whatever you need though, okay? We seriously love you and just because you need to handle things like this on your own doesn't mean your friends have to leave you.
I should say more but this has been almost an hour of me sitting here with my eyes getting blurry while I try to put everything into words without being too insensitive because I know how you are with this situation. You care a lot, and I need to not be pushy. Lesson learned, and I'm still sorry about earlier. But just one more thing before I go claim my three hours of sleep.
That last thing you said to Bren? Well, you said it after he was gone, but yeah. Make sure he sees it next time. He needs to hear it... just read over that conversation again if you need to... it's clear that he wants to hear that from you. Just a suggestion, though... like you said, you'll do whatever feels right. But neither of you should be alone. You're both too good for that.
Ryan is not crazy.
-OMGspensah
Ryan closed his computer and slid it underneath his bed. Spencer's response was what he had expected, or at least what he had hoped for. He would have liked to have collapsed in his friend's arms, begging him to solve everything for him, but he knew such a thing would never be an option. The way he was thinking about Brendon—constantly, endlessly—still scared Ryan to no end, but Spencer was right: Brendon needed him, and even if he couldn't say it, Ryan still knew what else Spencer wanted him to say.
Ryan's hair was light and feathery after the much needed washing and he had brushed it to one side, covering his left eye and making himself absolutely redundant next to 95% of the student body, but he didn't mind. For once, he liked what the mirror showed him and his smile was not forced. Instead, it was brought on by yet another thought of the person who he planned to hug the moment he would lay eyes on him later that morning. Brendon had said he cared. Ryan knew exactly what he meant, and Spencer's words were busy trying to tell him to just accept it.
Ryan finished off one cup of coffee and decided against another after having more sleep that night than he had experienced since he was about ten years old. It was toast and eggs this morning, the eggs taking it one step closer to being a normal morning with a normal family, and Ryan was happy with what he had.
"I think I'm having a friend stay this weekend."
"Who?"
"Brendon."
"The one that was here last night?"
"Uh Dad, that was Spencer. My conjoined twin since age four."
"Yes Ryan, I know who he is. I'm talking about the one that was here later last night. I think I met him the other morning?"
"Oh, uh..."
"The one you let out before you came in my room?"
Ryan blushed and looked down at his empty cup. His attempts at a nervous swirl of the liquid were useless due to the lack of coffee. "Yeah. Him. He was here yesterday morning. And that night."
"He's a decent kid."
"He is."
"What are you guys doing this weekend?"
"There's a dance Saturday."
"Don't forget about the plans for Sunday, though. Need to be up early for that."
"I know." Ryan managed to hide his excitement. He didn't want his father to be disturbed if he acted like a six year old in a toy store.
"Do you guys have dates for this dance?"
Ryan froze and tried his hardest to act normal. "Yeah, we do."
"Anyone I've met?"
"Yes." Shit. "I... think so, anyway."
"Who is it? The only girl you've brought around here is Ellen."
"It's not really that big of a deal."
"Of course it is. It's about time my seventeen year old son got a date."
Yes, Dad, it's about damn time. "Nah, we'll probably just show up together and head toward our own friends anyway. I guess it's not much of a date."
"Whatever you say, Kiddo. Just be safe."
"Yeah."
"Take this." The man pulled some money seemingly out of nowhere and placed it in Ryan's hand.
"I still have some left from the other day."
"Since when do you turn down money? Just take it, you'll use it eventually. Spencer's here." He nodded toward the front window and lifted Ryan's bag up to him.
Ryan smiled inside, grateful to have an excuse to stop discussing his date. He put his arms around his father's neck and hugged him, and he knew that it would probably be a while until he looked forward to another hug more than hugs from his dad. Brendon was a close second, but he knew that Brendon, unlike his father, was willing to wrap his arms around him at any hour of the day.
The back seat of Spencer's car welcomed Ryan and his nerves kicked in as soon as he remembered where the car was taking him.
"Get the email?"
"Yeah."
"Well?"
"I don't really know what to say. It was nice of you to stay up so late for me like that."
"It's alright. It was stuff I needed to say anyways."
Ellen turned sideways to look toward the back without looking directly at Ryan. "I wanted to come give you a hug after I read that conversation because it was the most adorable thing I have ever seen, Kid."
"Adorable?"
"Oh shut up, you know it was."
Ryan looked down to his fingers, blushing. "I guess."
"I can hear you smiling. You're terrible at hiding things."
"Leave him alone, Babe. I think I made fun of him enough yesterday." Spencer grinned and reached his right hand over to Ellen's leg.
"Yeah you did, Asshole!" Ryan kicked the back of Spencer's seat and pretended to pout.
"Love you Ryyyy." Ellen twisted around and pinched Ryan's cheek quickly before he grabbed her hand away and squeezed it.
"Love you too."
Conversation dwindled and had pretty much died by the time Ryan parted ways with his friends inside the school. They could always tell when Ryan was thinking and when they needed to simply sit quietly, and it had definitely been one of those mornings where they just sat with him and let him know they were there. Ryan's mind was busy ripping itself to pieces while he desperately searched for Brendon despite wanting to slip inside a random locker and hide until everyone was gone. He had never wanted such extreme opposites before. Part of him wanted to run away with Brendon, and part of him wanted to hide from the boy and get all the inappropriate blushing out of his system. He was used to the shyness, but not shyness brought on by the thought of someone he cared about.
Ryan hovered nervously in front of his locker and he was about to run out of ways to make himself look busy just as he felt a sharp finger in his back. He instinctively turned around and found himself staring directly into Brendon's eyes as they glowed from his smile.
There was a quiet exhale, close to a small laugh before Brendon spoke. "Good morning."
"Hey."
"Hey." Brendon looked at his feet before opening his locker and tossing his full bag inside. Only a notebook remained in his hand, and he looked up to Ryan. "Thanks for last night."
"Did you wake up at all?"
"Last thing I remember is you sayin' you'd stay on the phone 'til I fell asleep."
"That's good."
"Then I woke up with my phone still laying on my ear."
"Bren, you were so tired." Ryan took a discreet deep breath before closing his eyes and awkwardly placing both arms around Brendon's body, quickly laying his mouth against his friend's neck and holding it against the skin with no motion. He had to let go before the situation moved past looking only 'incredibly weird,' so Ryan pulled away, smiling at the face that he could not push out of his mind.
"I was, but I slept for a long time."
"You don't know how much you scared me last night."
"I'm sorry. You don't know how much you helped even if you weren't with me."
"I'm glad I helped. I'll be with you for a while tonight."
"So you're still coming over?"
"Of course."
Brendon smiled, and Ryan let himself feel the certain kind of happiness that he had been hiding from himself. Brendon's smile illuminated Ryan's feelings enough for him to start to make sense of where his mind was leading him. These silent smiles pulled the two of them along, wordless but never empty of emotion. Neither of them had much of a reason for the lack of conversation, but it only seemed appropriate that their mutual understanding be allowed to draw them into a series of short lived glances and quiet laughs that were able to accomplish much more than their words ever could. Even after they parted ways for separate classes, a brush of the shoulder signaling a temporary goodbye, Ryan hoped that his eyes had been able to tell Brendon to keep holding on. In Ryan's mind, he was quiet most of the morning because he knew he had no words that could show Brendon just how scared he was for him. He knew he had to use his silence and his face to tell Brendon that he didn't have to be alone anymore, and the smile on Brendon's face as Ryan said "see you later" let Ryan know that he understood completely.
"Ryface, you never cease to amaze me, you know that?" Ellen sat her books down on top of Ryan's head before sliding them down onto the table.
"What did I do now?"
"I saw Brendon in the hallway."
"That's uh... nice?"
"He had his jacket unzipped."
"Okay... so?"
"I understood the Blink shirt but what he's wearing today is what you wore yesterday." Ellen poked Ryan in the shoulder and grabbed a bit of the loose sleeve that was draped over it. "You've had that ugly thing for years."
"Oh. That."
"And yeah, I know you, and I know you're convinced that you look terrible in red. I also happen to know that you don't own any red shirts."
"Yeah well I know I don't but he said I looked fine in it and I—" Ryan caught the beaming grin on Ellen's face as she rolled her eyes and shoved him gently. He tried to force a pout through his own smirk, fully aware that she was completely right. "Oh I hate you guys so much. Leave me alone."
Art class passed smoothly with Ellen mocking Ryan every chance she could get, continuing only because Ryan's embarrassed reaction was almost too cute for her to handle. Ryan knew he would have ended up throwing chairs had the endless jokes and giggles come from anyone else, but Ellen was just barely allowed to slip by on a technicality: being friends with someone for as long as you can remember tends to give them the right to find bits of humor in your personal life, especially in situations like Ryan's.
Stephanie was another story, though, as she showed an uncharacteristic detachment from her phone while favoring random, pixelated games on her graphing calculator. Ryan hoped that the lack of obsessive writing on his part would keep her fairly uninterested in his presence, but thirty minutes into the monotonous class, his streak of uninterrupted thinking was ended. Part of him didn't mind, but it had been hard enough carrying on a conversation of half truths the day before, and Ryan wasn't entirely in the mood to do it again.
"So did you tell her she's beautiful?"
Ryan connected the words in his mind and gave his most honest answer. "Yeah I did."
"Was I right?"
"About what?"
"Did it work, did she like it?"
"Oh, uh... yeah, I think it did, I mean... seem, seemed to like it and all."
"You think? She either loved you for it or got totally creeped out by it!"
"Well, not creeped out..."
"So she liked it?"
Ryan couldn't step around any more questions. "Yeah."
"So did everything work out how you wanted?"
It hadn't worked out how Ryan wanted in the sense that he wasn't sure of what he had been aiming for in the first place, but he knew it had worked out for the better. "Pretty much, yeah."
"So you got yourself a girlfriend."
"Yeah... well, no, not... I don't know yet."
"You just said it worked out, though."
"Yeah. I... okay, I guess I do, I don't know." Ryan laughed to try to cover up the fact that he wanted to slide underneath the table and never resurface. "It's still a bit new though, we're just taking it easy I guess."
"I see. You just don't want to talk commitment. That's understandable in the first few days 'til you can't get enough of each other." Stephanie's lighthearted way of being nice while poking fun at Ryan's obvious insecurities reminded him of Ellen, although he hoped this girl didn't have Ellen's flawless ability to see right through him. "Bringing her to the dance this weekend, I hope?"
"Oh, I don't know, maybe... if she wants to go or whatever, yeah."
"Of course she wants to go. I better see you there. Who is she? I swear I'm gonna know her and I'll be able to make sure she knows she has a boyfriend."
Ryan thought he felt himself have a small heart attack and he wasn't sure what to think about the fact that he was still conscious. Three minutes earlier would have been the perfect time to tell Stephanie that whatever person was in question happens to attend a different school, but Ryan knew he destroyed those chances with the comment about attending the dance. "I doubt you really know..."
"Oh I have friends. And they have friends. Tell me?"
"Um... I don't, I don't know... how about if we see you at the dance, you'll know... I mean, I don't wanna say anything without even knowing for sure if we're together, or whatever..."
"This isn't meant to kill ya! I'm just bored and nosy, really."
"Oh I can tell." Ryan gave her his best 'no hard feelings' smile, and it worked.
"It's actually nice that you have enough respect for her to not run around school and tell everyone you're together if you really aren't sure of what she wants, you know?"
"I guess."
Ryan wasn't entirely comfortable with the way he had to avoid certain words and names, or the way it made him start to question everything all over again, even though he had previously started to feel calm about the fact that he knew that there was something about him and Brendon that required at least some protection. Lunch came before his nerves were able to make him sick and every small smile and subtle glance for the rest of the day took his mind off the uneasiness. Every bump of the shoulder or brush of the hand made him wonder what he was even worrying about. Contact and small talk lasted throughout the rest of the day, letting Ryan know that Brendon had not let himself fall back down to the place he had been the night before. Ryan spent the rest of the school day feeling useful and he knew that any amount of awkward conversation or question dodging with acquaintances was worth it to be able to keep seeing Brendon's witty, sarcastic side.
Ryan kept catching grins from Ellen as she stared at him by looking into the rear view mirror on the side of the car. He returned them shyly, usually looking down to his lap or over to Spencer while his friend drove and rambled on about one thing or another in order to fill some of the awkward silence. Brendon once again sat toward the middle of the seat, instead of directly behind the driver's seat, and this time Ryan was not able to attribute this to Brendon simply being afraid of his brother. Ryan's hand sat halfway underneath his leg with his little finger sticking out, sometimes latched with Brendon's, but most of the trip to Brendon's house was spent with Ryan focusing on the path that the boy's finger happened to be tracing up and down the side of his hand. Neither of them acknowledged the contact that lasted the whole short trip, but it went on long enough to make the side of Ryan's hand feel almost numb from the repetitive friction.
"I'm guessin' I won't hear much from you tonight so what's the plan for tomorrow?" Spencer shut the engine off and slouched back in his seat a bit.
"Um, I guess I planned on you guys all coming over for a while tomorrow. Watch a movie or something, I don't know. Figure out what we're wearing for Saturday." Ryan adjusted himself in his seat and he ended up tilted toward Brendon a little, resting against his arm.
"We can do that. You just want us to bring stuff tomorrow?"
"What kinda stuff?"
"Clothes, movies, whatever. Shit to do."
"Sure. Do whatever, we'll find something to do."
Ellen turned around and leaned on the center armrest. "So you joining us, Brendon? You're still on for the dance, right?"
"Oh, yeah, I'm actually staying at Ryan's this weekend, so... yeah, I'll be there."
"Staying at Ryan's?"
"Yeah. I'm pretty sure."
"The whole weekend?"
"Yeah."
"Right." Ellen couldn't stop a small, audible laugh from escaping as she turned back around to face forward. "Well, you guys have fun tonight. What are you doing, by the way?"
"I don't know. Stuff."
Ryan figured he could handle this one a bit better. "Brendon's mom thinks we're working on a project, so we'll be pretending to do that while we listen to music and probably end up falling asleep."
"Oh, sounds like a blast, too bad we can't be there. Send me a postcard, wouldja?" Spencer straightened himself out and messed with his car keys in preparation to use them.
"Shut up, you know we're all boring, Spence." Ryan positioned his hand on the door handle and glanced toward Brendon with a silent signal to tell him to get ready to move.
"Yeah, you got me there. Every time we plan on doing things, we just end up falling asleep." Spencer turned the keys and the old engine roared into action. "Just don't end up wearing any more of each other's clothes, alright? That could get a little messy. Just stick with those shirts for now, maybe some socks..."
Ryan caught Spencer's wink in the mirror and he rolled his eyes. Spencer recognized the disgusted, albeit amused laugh that Ryan gave him and he shook his head, partially in disbelief because he knew he was probably right, and this suspicion was almost totally confirmed as Ellen smacked his leg to make him stop kidding.
Ryan quickly found himself being pushed sideways and he let the door open so he could get out of the car. He barely had time to grab his bag that had sat by his feet because Brendon's hand on his arm was propelling him so quickly that there might as well have been a fire inside the vehicle. Ryan gained his balance as he heard the car door slam shut with horrible force and he saw Brendon storm past him with his own bag clenched tightly to his chest. Confused, Ryan stepped back toward the car, and subsequently, Ellen's now lowered window.
Ellen poked Ryan's chest with a grin. "I think Spencer's little comment made him mad."
"What comment? He just pushed me out of the car, and..." Ryan quickly turned around to see Brendon standing impatiently halfway between the car and the house. "Yeah."
"The one about the clothes."
"Oh. I thought it was funny. Well, not funny, 'cause I'm sorry Spence but you're kind of hit or miss with jokes, but... yeah, I don't know why he's all upset. Looks like I have to clean it up now."
Spencer leaned over a little bit. "Sorry, man... I didn't think it would offend anyone."
"Neither did I. It's not like you're full of shit or anything, we obviously traded shirts."
"Well just talk to him and give me a call if he changes his mind about Saturday or whatever, alright?"
"Will do. Pick me up tomorrow morning?"
"Sure."
"Alright." Ryan stood up and threw his bag over his shoulder. "Love you guys."
"You done yet?" Brendon had acquired a key from somewhere and he stepped a little closer to the front door.
"Yes Brendon, I'm done." Ryan couldn't help the bit of bitterness that saturated his tone as he waved goodbye to his friends and walked closer to Brendon. This negative emotion was instantly picked up by Brendon, who ended all eye contact and remained silent while opening the door.
"I'm here, Mom." Brendon pointed to the staircase and followed through with an even stronger motion for Ryan to hurry up and go, but his mom was too quick to respond.
"How was today?"
"Fine."
She took Brendon's bag from him and hugged him before handing the bag back, something Ryan found a little peculiar. "Is this Ryan?"
"Yeah. Ryan, my mom. Call her Grace."
"Grace?" Ryan extended his hand, which was accepted with a warm smile and nod. Somehow, she remained elegant despite her yellowed teeth and the strong smell of cigarette smoke that Ryan was used to from his father. "Nice to meet you." He knew he had to play up the sweetness if he were to remain on her good side.
"I don't meet many of Brendon's friends, so this is a real treat. He spends so much time with school that I didn't think he had many friends outside all those things he's in." Grace ruffled Brendon's hair and he cringed in typical teenage boy fashion. "I guess you guys have work to do so I will let you be on your way. I'll bring some dinner up when the time comes. You like pizza, right?"
"Oh of course." Ryan had already become comfortable with the fact that with school in session, pizza was more than likely going to count for 95% of his food intake.
"Excellent. Go do whatever you had planned, then. And Brendon, I might have a couple things for you to do later, but it shouldn't take long, understand?"
"Yes."
Brendon pushed Ryan, for the second time in less than three minutes, and they both headed up the stairs. Since he was the first one up the stairs, Ryan headed into the only room that could possibly belong to Brendon. On one side of this room was a closed door, covered in stickers and muffling some moderately loud metal music coming from inside, and Ryan immediately wrote it off as belonging to Seth. On the other side of Brendon's room, at the end of the hall, was a large, nicely decorated bedroom with a large bed, undoubtedly where Brendon's parents slept. Ryan was instantly annoyed with how Brendon seemed to be trapped between people who made him miserable.
Brendon's bed was pushed against the far wall, underneath a window, just like Ryan's. A single Nine Inch Nails poster clung to the ceiling above the bed and Jimmy Eat World was stuck to the wall space above Brendon's pillow, and once the door was closed, Ryan noticed random clippings from music magazines that were plastered to the door. The room was rather plain, much more suited for someone who simply slept in it as opposed to lived most of his life in there, and Ryan was very uncomfortable with the fact that Brendon's bedroom smelled so strongly of cigarette smoke.
"Put your shit down and do something, I don't care." Brendon was busy shedding his small jacket and replacing it with a much larger hooded sweatshirt, something that was almost needed due to the cold temperature of the house.
"What's wrong?  If you're just going to talk to me like that, I might as well head home."
Brendon shook his head and laid down on the bed, curling up underneath his blanket without even taking off his shoes. "Spencer really didn't have to be a fucking asshole."
"Oh shit, he was just joking around... Bren, you know Spence isn't an asshole, he just jokes around a lot. I know he's not always that funny, but really, now..."
"So all this is just one big fucking joke?"
"What?" Ryan sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled the blanket away from Brendon's face to make it impossible for him to avoid the situation.
"He's just gonna make fun of everything and you're going to laugh right along with him."
"He's not making fun of anything, Brendon."
"Yes he was. I can't even do something that makes me happy without him making fun of it."
"I don't think he has ever said anything like this before, and what's making you happy? I am so lost right now, Bren. I'm sorry but I don't see what the big deal is."
"This whole fucking thing is a big deal! I pretty much fucking admitted that I wanted your shirt because it smelled like you and I wanted to have part of you with me and all Spencer can do is fucking laugh at me for it and tell me to keep my goddamn pants on and to be honest I'm not too happy that you think it's just as funny as he does."
Ryan was frozen and he found that Brendon's words were beginning to sting a little. He forced his mind to stay rational and he was able to remember one of the few conclusions he had already made about Brendon, and he knew what he had to do. "Bren, Spencer likes us, okay? That kid has been my best friend since forever, and he is really glad that me and you are close now. I don't—" Ryan realized that he didn't know where he was going, so he took a deep breath to slow himself down. "Okay. I don't think you took what he said in the right way, and I'm sorry about that, alright?  Spencer just jokes about things and yesterday he started to do that, and it was bothering me so I told him to stop. He stopped, and it was fine. Bren, I promise he wasn't making fun of you or me or us or anything else. He likes to make people smile, he didn't mean to do this to you." Ryan looked down to Brendon, who was glaring at the nightstand and refusing to make eye contact, or even respond, for that matter. He kicked his shoes off and laid down to face Brendon with his left arm underneath his head, bringing his hand down to touch Brendon's hair. "I know this is a big deal and there's... there's no reason for Spencer to make fun of you, and he wasn't. I promise, Bren. Have I lied to you yet?"
Brendon closed his eyes and shook his head.
"Look, you did this yesterday after Seth made you mad. Do you remember what I said?"
Brendon's defiant silence confirmed that what Ryan said the previous day was still very much relevant.
"I said you needed to relax a little and not everyone is out to get you, Bren. Especially Spencer. He's on our side, you know. I'm sorry if you're used to things like that being said by people who mean it the wrong way, but Spencer wasn't trying to hurt you." Ryan noticed that Brendon had moved a little closer to him so he put his arm around him and started to rub the back of Brendon's head.
"Why do I have to do this all the time?"
"Do what?"
"Explode at every little thing."
"Because you're you. It's just how you are. We can work on it, though, because it's not healthy."
"I don't like how I am."
"I like how you are. I don't like that you get upset so easily, but I think people's flaws make them perfect." With his sleeve over his hand, Ryan pressed the back of his hand gently against Brendon's eye. "I think you feel too much, Kid. I don't want you to stop feeling, but you just need to do it in the right way."
"I wouldn't mind not feeling anything."
"Well, you wouldn't be feeling this, then." Ryan moved his hand down and wrapped it around one of Brendon's hands. "You just need to stop letting yourself be bothered by so many things so much. Now, what happened? Today was so good."
"Other people were around."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know. I had your shirt, and I saw you a lot, and I guess I was happy... I couldn't get like this with other people around, though."
"What if Spencer had said that at lunch?"
"Probably would have just gone and hid in the bathroom."
"But wouldn't people be in there, too? They would have heard you."
Brendon shook his head. "Not when I'm quiet."
"How can you be quiet enough to keep people from knowing?"
"I don't know, I just can be. I have to be quiet with these people sleeping on both sides. You'd be surprised with how loudly a person can scream without making any sound at all."
Ryan cringed and he slipped his left arm underneath Brendon's neck, finding it appropriate to hold his friend closer to him than he ever had. "I'm sorry—" Ryan felt himself starting to choke up and he had to make himself relax enough to remain coherent. "I'm sorry you can't let anyone hear you."
"I can let you."
"I know, and I want you to... just... you trust me enough for this?"
"Ryan, you're so strong I trust you more than I trust myself."
"Don't say that."
"It's true. If it wasn't, what you're saying would make no sense."
"I'm not that strong. I just know how to keep myself going."
"Well, you're still ahead of me, then. Do you remember what you said in the first letter you wrote me?"
"I said a lot, I know."
"You said something about how beautiful the world really is, and all day I've been trying to see it."
"How's that been?"
"I see it now. But I just know this is going to stop, because everything does. You said something else to me, too."
"What's that?"
"Something about my eyes not saying enough. Why do you want to know so much about me?"
"I'm not sure. Do I need a reason?"
"Not as long as I don't need a reason for wanting to tell you everything."
"Of course not."
"Alright." Brendon inhaled sharply through his nose and he sat up against the wall, forcing Ryan to move with him. The two of them were shoved together, side by side, just barely fitting on the bed. Brendon pulled the blanket up over their legs and he searched for Ryan's hand underneath, finding it and lacing their fingers together quickly before pretending to ignore it. "Can I tell you something I've never told anyone before?"
"Anything."
"It's kind of strange."
"I don't mind."
"All the time, like, I don't know, just randomly... I'll be sitting here and all of a sudden I just think, 'I will be dead someday,' and it's just like... I don't know, Ry, I can't help it. I feel like I shouldn't even bother trying for anything because I know that once I'm gone, it's over, and then I just get really mad because everything here hurts so fucking much and I hate knowing that once everything's over, it'll be like none of this ever happened, so why do I have to feel like this now since it won't matter later? I mean, I'd understand if something was affected by how I felt, but the only thing that is affected is me, and if I don't matter, why can't anything just feel good sometimes?"
Ryan was trying desperately not to beg. He didn't want to break down and plead with Brendon, and keeping himself under control at that moment was his hardest task yet. "Bren." Ryan shook his head and squeezed Brendon's hand with almost painful force. "I never want you to say you don't matter. If you don't matter, I don't matter, because you matter to me. Am I worthless?"
"You're everything."
"Then so are you. Never, ever say you don't matter."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. I want you to tell me everything."
"I don't know, it's weird... I just wonder how worth it everything is, you know? Like you only want to put effort into something if it's going to matter, and sometimes I just feel like regardless of if I'm happy or if I'm sitting here alone burning my arm off, the end result is going to be the same. One day, I will be dead, and everything I've ever thought will die with me."
"You're destroying me right about now, Bren." Ryan tried to hide his intense sadness with a light chuckle.
"I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest."
"I understand. I want that. I just... I can't believe you feel like this. I do know what you mean, because I have thought like this before... you're just so quiet, Bren, and when I first met you? You were funny. You almost fell coming into homeroom and you laughed and made fun of yourself like anyone would have, and you were just... I don't know, you seemed so average, and if it hadn't been for what I saw of your arms while you were at your locker that morning, I would have thought you were totally average. I would have never known that there were these thoughts inside of you or anything."
"I try to keep it that way. I like it when nobody asks questions. I'd rather everyone think I'm fine."
Ryan placed his other hand on top of Brendon's in order to hold it between both of his hands. "I wish you were, though."
"I guess I've kinda got used to it. I'm not so sure now, though."
"What do you mean?"
"You, really. You make me like myself sometimes, you know? Just some things you say. I have tried to think about what makes you care about me so much, and all I can come up with is that there has to be something good about me that I just don't see. As long as you're here, though, I'll know it's there."
"You'll always know it's there."
"I like this, you know?"
"What, exactly?"
"Freezing my ass off in here, warm on one side 'cause you're so close to me, just talking to you... it feels so good, you know, just like... I don't know, with our hands like this, it's like they fit together like some sort of fucked up puzzle that everyone got bored with and stopped working on, but someone finally decided that they cared enough to just put it all together, so here we are... I don't know, Ry, everything just feels like it is supposed to happen like this. I don't know."
"I don't know either, but you're absolutely right." At this moment, Ryan noticed the beauty in Brendon's lips, even when they were not curled into a smile. He watched them move as Brendon spoke and Ryan was almost angry at them for staying so beautiful even when they had to hold back so much emotion. Ryan moved his hand up Brendon's arm, stopping at his elbow and wrapping his hand around it, careful to not squeeze too hard. "And it's like the two pieces were part of the background, like some solid colored part and nobody could figure it out."
"But we did."
"Yeah, we did." Ryan slid down a couple inches and he rested his head on Brendon's upper arm, still not untangling his fingers from Brendon's. He closed his eyes and he could have sworn that he felt Brendon press his mouth against the top of his head for a brief moment until the music in the next room suddenly grew louder.
"Fucking hell, I'm going to kill him. Give me a shoe."
Ryan was confused, but he didn't ask questions. He ignored the extremely awkward position that the two of them were in as he refused to let go of Brendon's hand while leaning down to grab one of his shoes off of the floor.
Brendon took the shoe and licked his lips as he lifted his arm and aimed, releasing it and sending the footwear flying into the wall with a rattling thud. The music died down a few seconds later, and everything was quiet enough that Ryan could hear his heart beating wildly in his ears.
"That's better." Brendon squirmed a little bit and ended up sliding down slightly more than he had been before. Only his head and upper back were pressed against the wall.
Ryan finally separated their hands in order to slide his arm underneath Brendon's back. He supported most of his own weight with his elbow and he laid his head back down on Brendon's shoulder. He waited for a few seconds for any reaction from Brendon, anything to tell him what to do next, and Brendon didn't move—he just sat there comfortably and gradually let his neck relax, which slowly allowed his head to lean against Ryan's. Ryan took this as a sign and he slid his right arm across Brendon's stomach, latching both of his own hands together as they pulled Brendon closer to him.
"Ryan?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm glad you're here."
"So am I."
"I needed this last night."
"I know, I'm sorry."
"You did all you could. It's more than anyone else would have done."
"But still. You needed me."
"I had you, Ry. You stayed with me 'til I fell asleep. No one else would have done that, especially after how I was acting."
"And how was that?"
"I was a fucking disaster last night, you know that."
"No you weren't. You were just upset."
"I'm just glad you didn't tell me to shut up. I'm lucky you didn't hang up on me."
"I would never do that to you." Ryan cringed at the thought of what may have happened if he had not stayed on the phone the night before.
"I remember one time a while ago, I think sometime this summer, I fucked up pretty bad by getting a little too loud in here after my dad was done saying some shit to me, so I was laying in here and he was in their room getting ready for bed and he heard me crying and he just screamed for me to shut the fuck up. I guess I deserved it though because I was too stupid to keep myself quiet."
"I'm sorry."
"Not your fault."
"I would have let you scream."
"I want to sometimes."
"You need to. You can't keep everything quiet all the time."
"That's what the river's for. I can be loud when I go there. Or I can at least not have to be completely silent."
"I want you to know something, Bren."
"Yeah?"
"I hate that you have to live like this, but I swear to God I'm going to fix it."
"You already have. As much as you can, anyway, because me and you... I don't know, we just... you make everything worth it, really. I know I have something now. Before this, I was completely alone. I like knowing there's someone that just... wants to be here."
"I wanna make everything work, you know, just to... I don't know, I don't know what I'm saying, just... I do want to be here, Bren. I just feel like I need to make up for last night when we couldn't do this."
"Ry, last night was fine. You talked to me, and... shh, just a second, listen..." Brendon lifted his head when the music in Seth's room stopped and his door creaked open. Within seconds, there was a thud on Brendon's door and he brushed his hand across Ryan's cheek as he started to quickly pull himself up. "Sit up, keep the blanket here."
Ryan returned to his original position, and once again, they were in the only slightly less awkward position of leaning against the wall, pushed together with their hands clenched tightly under the blanket. Brendon wiped his face and searched himself for an annoyed glare. "What the fuck do you want?"
"Dude, chill. Can I come in?" Seth was already proving that he was still capable of not being a dick if he didn't want to be.
"Whatever." Brendon dug his fingers into Ryan's hand.
Ryan turned to Brendon to quickly whisper. "Just relax."
"Dude, I just want to talk to you. Oh, hey..." Seth gave Ryan a rather confused look as he studied their position, the blanket, and their red eyes, Brendon's eyes more red and sad than Ryan's. "What's with you guys?"
"What? Nothing, why are you in here?" Brendon was struggling to keep his level of anger down.
"Just... whatever, I don't care. You guys cold?"
"That's usually why one uses a blanket." Usually. "You know Mom and Dad like to live in a meat freezer."
"Yeah, you're telling me. Then they bitch that we use too much electricity."
"And that they hate seeing me in the same sweatshirts all the time."
"Well you know why you do that."
"Not now, Seth."
"Am I interrupting something?" Seth pretended to care, but the fact that he found a place to sit along the wall showed that he didn't really plan on leaving.
"No, I just don't feel like talking."
Ryan squeezed Brendon's hand. It was a 'now or never' kind of thing, and Ryan knew Brendon just had to get it over with.
"B, I know I'm a fucking loser and I really fucked things up for you, but I am admitting this and I want to know what's wrong with you."
"There's nothing wrong with me."
"Yeah, because I know at least six people who burn the shit out of their arms for fun."
"You think it's fun?"
"That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying I think you have some sort of problem or whatever, and I am your brother and I want to know what it is."
"Dude, if you wanted to be my brother, you would have been. You would already know. Fuck, Ryan already knows more than you do."
"Well, that's to be expected."
"Why?"
"Nothing. Dude, B, why the hell do you do this? I'm not trying to be an ass here, I just want to know what makes you so damn upset all the time."
"You don't think I get sick of Mom and Dad giving me shit all the time? And don't even get me started on all your bullshit, Seth."
"Mom and Dad suck sometimes, but you're their little angel, I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is that I'm not three and I don't need them babysitting me and making me do every fucking thing around here."
"You don't put up much of a fight. I would have told the bitch off years ago."
"They stop yelling if I just do what they want."
"So? That's bullshit. If they want you to do something, make them ask you. You're not fucking deaf or anything, they don't need to scream. Trust me, I get sick of hearing it."
"I'm just sick of everything. You want to know why I burn myself?"
"Uh yeah, the question's kind of been on my mind."
"You know how much Mom and Dad hate me. They want to fucking kill me and they still refuse to even touch me. I'm so fucking repulsive that they can't even stand to come near me."
"Where the hell do you get that from? Nobody wants to kill you."
"They do. I figure if they're not gonna beat the shit out of me like they want to, I'll just do it to myself. It works."
"It doesn't work."
"You don't know that."
"Yes, Brendon, I do. It does not work, and it's total bullshit anyways, they don't hit you because they don't want to."
"I'd rather them just do that instead of give me so much shit. I get so sick of being compared to you."
"That one's my fault, and I'm sorry. It's my fault that they have all these standards for you."
"Well, yeah, it is."
"You, Kid. You're quiet. Speak up." Seth sent Ryan a quick glance.
"I'm not in this." Ryan squeezed Brendon's hand at the same time Brendon squeezed his.
"Sure you are. What do you think's wrong with B?"
"I..." Ryan looked at Brendon, preparing to talk about him while looking him in the face. "There's nothing wrong with him, it's just other people... and his way of dealing with them, I guess. I don't know, I'm not in this." Another squeeze from Brendon told Ryan that he didn't want him to stop talking.
"Of course you are, Keep going, maybe he'll listen to you because I don't blame him for ignoring me. With all I've done, I deserve to be ignored."
"I just think... I've told him he's bothered by little things too much, you know? I don't... I don't know, he knows what I think."
"Well, I don't. What do you think?"
"I think your brother's a better person than you really want to admit."
"He's not bad. You're right, though, I shouldn't have been such a dick."
"Maybe he would talk to you more if you weren't."
A small sound came from the bottom of the stairs. "BRENDON get down here and take this out." His mom's voice held more anger than Ryan thought was really necessary.
"Hold on, I'll be there in a minute."
"I don't have a minute, get down here right now or I'm coming up there."
Brendon flung his head back into the wall and closed his eyes, deciding to not put up much more of a fight. "See what I fucking mean?"
Ryan leaned over slightly and talked quietly, close to Brendon's ear. "Just go see what she wants, don't make it worse."
"No, fuck no, dude..." Seth pushed himself to his feet. "Tell her to shove it."
"No, Seth, I don't feel like being screamed at anymore."
"Whatever. Just keep being their bitch, then."
"Don't fucking say that to him." Ryan squeezed Brendon's hand and glared at Seth.
"Woah, what? He has a bodyguard now or something?"
"Shut up, Seth. You're just not used to anyone actually caring about me." Brendon reluctantly let go of Ryan's hand and kicked the blanket away from their legs. "I'll be right back, Ry. Hold on." He didn't try to avoid brushing his body against Ryan's as he crawled over Ryan to get off of the bed. He straightened his clothes and ran down the stairs, leaving Ryan to sit in bed and deal with Seth.
"So B actually does have friends?"
"Uh, yeah, he does."
"Well, that's good, really... I'm being serious, too. I never thought he did and I guess I shouldn't have given him shit for it, but I always wished people liked him a little more."
"People like him. He's just never really had close friends. I guess it's a new development."
"Well, he obviously likes you, so just... I don't know, like I said yesterday, take care of the kid, would you? I lost my chance to do that and I just fucked it up even more, but I guess since you... he's talked to you a lot, hasn't he?"
"Yeah."
"He tell you a lot of stuff?"
"Quite a bit."
"He doesn't talk much, and for him to do that... I don't know, he sees something in you. I know this sounds completely awful and hypocritical of me, but I'm going to say it anyways because it's my job. Just don't hurt the kid, okay?"
"I'm not going to." Ryan unzipped his jacket, momentarily exposing himself to the cold air, but he planned on getting under the blanket.
"I hope not. You're the first person he's brought around here that I can even remember, so just... try to help him, I guess. Don't let him do this shit to himself. I can't let the kid turn into me."
Ryan knew that there was absolutely no way he would ever let Brendon become even remotely similar to his brother. "I am helping him." He finished removing his jacket and he tossed it to the floor before he slid down on the bed and pulled the blanket up to his neck.
Seth started to leave the room, but he turned around right before preparing to shut the door. "Do you see what I see, though? I think he's so fucking sensitive that it's going to kill him."
"I know. I'm trying to find a way to tell him."
"I don't know why he's like that." Seth pulled the door shut with a click and Ryan curled up underneath the blanket, closing his eyes. For obvious reasons, the bed smelled so strongly of Brendon that it was entirely too easy for Ryan to comfortably doze off after another long day at school, but not before wishing he had been in that bed the previous night. It made him sick to his stomach to know the things that Brendon had surely done and thought while laying in this very same place, and Ryan wished he could have just taken it all at that moment. He wanted to erase everything that had happened to Brendon and just experience it himself, in order to save his friend from ever needing to go through it. Despite the amount of pain that had been felt in that bed, Ryan drifted off to sleep easily with the warmth of the blanket and image of his friend in his head. Controlling himself around Seth, and Brendon for that matter, was proving to be a very exhausting task.